Lying, food, clothes, attitude — UGH!!!
I'm getting really sick of SS11 and all the little associated issues. I'm working on disengaging, which is fine, but the problems remain and some do impact me. Thing is, DH is fed up, too, and keeps trying things: lectures, additional chores, taking away privileges. No effect.
1) Food/drink upstairs. Yep, still an issue. Every day, DH tells SS he can get a snack after school and reminds him "it stays in the kitchen." DH and I both work from home and I'm usually downstairs. The other day, I heard SS getting something and he disappeared. Too much else going on but DH and I checked his room the next day. Candy wrappers and an empty soda can.
That afternoon, before DH could address it (he had a wrk call) I went into the kitchen for some water and SS mumbled something about taking his jacket upstairs. "Whoa there. Are you taking something?" He turned bright red and stormed back to put the Coke can back. He doesn't know it yet but he's losing his electronics again and spending the afternoon cleaning his room and bathroom.
When DH confronted him, SS just stood there. No answers for why he did it. Blank stare. Then, "is my uniform ready?" (For baseball.) I'm surprised DH didn't put him through the wall. I would have grounded him from the game but the team was already down players and DH didn't want them to have to forfeit. Fine.
2) The SMELL. The kid stinks. Big part of the problem? He refuses to wear socks with his tennis shoes and even brand new ones reek within a couple of days. DH (super sensitive to smells) makes him spray them daily and orders him to wear socks, but every day, SS tries to get by him. And as far as we can tell his mom doesn't make him (doesn't make him do anything really). When we pick him up we practically have to roll the windows down.
4) Lies about stupid stuff. Kept insisting he didn't know where his uniform belt was. Well, we found it in plain sight in his room. He also flat-out lies about homework. DH can see if he's done something or not and he'll hold him to the fire to make him do it. On BM weeks, she lets it go because she believes every word he says - despite all evidence to the contrary.
5) We have a VERY old dog. Every time SS is with his mom, he asks about him. Not in a concerned way. More like he's curious if he's still alive because he wants another dog. Lovely. Now, SS isn't attached to this dog and I don't blame him because he's always been a cranky little jerk, really. I could barely tolerate him until he got so old he mellowed and became kind of pitiful. But, seriously? And just because your mom lets you collect animals (four dogs and two cats at last count) doesn't mean that any new dog we get is going to be "yours."
6) The stuff. Every time he comes over, he has something new. Glasses (he has 20/20 vision). Sqooshy pillows. Shoes. A kindle. His mom and grandparents are constantly buying him stuff.
7) Attitude. Nothing we do is any good. He doesn't like my scrambled eggs - only DH's (what he doesn't know is that they're all made by me). He cops attitude at DH every time he picks him up. Probably because on BM weeks, her parents get him and take him for treats or shopping.
Whatever. Every day I like this kid less. Sometimes something makes me think he's not so bad and then, bam. Like I said. Disengaging. But when it's stuff that impacts me (food, stench), it's not easy! At least DH is finally seeing the extent of the problem, though it remains to be seen if he can make a difference.
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Comments
First, 11yo is prime swat to the ass discipline age. Use it.
1) Swat to the ass. He knows the rules, he violates, his ass stings.
2) Introduce him to the back yard, dawn dishwashing liquid, the garden hose, and a scrub brush. The perfect method for de-stinking an odiferous stench beast.
3) You skipped 3.
4) Swat to the ass. The one absolute in my parents home was liars can't sit for quite a whilel due to cherry red stinging butt cheeks. Lather.... rinse.... repeat. The same applied to our kid.
5) Meh. Just make sure the little shit isn't harming or disturbing the old dog. If he does, see #1 and #4.
6) He brings nothing with him on visitaiton. If he does, lock it in the trunk of the car and he can get it when he leaves to return to BM's. End of problem.
7) Disrespectful behavior from an 11yo.... See #1, #4 and #5 above for an appropriate consequence.
It may seem that my brothers and I spent a lot of time with stinging swatted asses while growing up. Reality is that it was extremely rare because the standards were clearly presented and consistently enforced. For that reason, we were rarely in trouble.
IMHO rather than go down the path of continually liking this kid less, you separate the behaviors from emotion. He perpetrates the behaviors, he chooses the consequences. Once that absolute truth is established in your home/family, change will start, and so will improved behaviors. As will how much you dislike this kid.
Take away any benefit he may get from his chosen unacceptable behaviors, replace it with escalating abject misery, and good things start to happen. Either by actual behavioral improvements, or by him being isolated away from you. Either way, you win.
IMHO parents, particularly parents in blended family adult relationships, way over complicate these things.
Keep It Stupid Simple (KISS) and even the most stupid and stubborn kid will get it. The same applies to the most inept parent of a prior failed family breeding blended family partner. Eventually.
Good luck.
Heh, I used to be able to
Heh, I used to be able to count.
I agree with you -- tough approach and make it very uncomfortable for him to do anything but the right thing. While DH is trying, I don't think he'd agree to really toughen up on him. Familiar song around here and soooo frustrating.
Is your SS on the spectrum or
Is your SS on the spectrum or have ADHD? Not trying to be an armchair doctor, but he sounds so much like my SS, and my SS has both of those things.
it could be DH explains to SS so hard to SS Why his behavior is not okay, and he would just ask "can I go now?" This response has been improving with DH but not with me though (possibly because I don't yell)
Hate to say this, because his two parents aren't on the same page, it's (almost) never going to easy. The bright side though, your DH seems to be very on top of things, so perhaps there is still a chance.
And, if he doesn't like the food you cook, he can make his own. I don't cook for SS only and specifically. If I cook, he's free to choose to eat my food or not, but I will not take his critique unless I specifically ask for his opinion. This helps with my sanity haha.
He's not on the spectrum and
He's not on the spectrum and doesn't appear to have ADHD. DH has suspected before that he has it and has asked the doctor but was told no. He's perfectly capable of listening, following instructions, etc. It just appears he doesn't always want to (and has learned there are no real consequences if he doesn't).
As for food, he never says anything about it -- other than asking DH if he's making the eggs when we do breakfast for dinner. DH tells him yes, then I make them. SS happily ate them until this last time when he saw me cooking them. Barely touched them. That's fine by me. I know I'm a good cook and don't need his approval. But it drives me nuts that he doesn't eat dinner but is then allowed to get dessert. A healthy snack would be more appropriate but not my call.
Well, he sounds like a
Well, he sounds like a spoiled brat. We can try to explain or explore the reason why he's being stupid about YOU making the food for him, but that won't change the fact that his behavior was ungrateful. Your DH should have made it clear no dinner no dessert but unfortuanatly it's not our call as you said
I can't stand bio parent not understanding why their commands don't work with their kids when they are the one not imposing consequence or follow through. I love my DH very much but this always have me roll my eyes.
11 is a painful age
Firstly, sorry you're going through this and feeling so frustrated, everything you've said is entirely valid!
How often do you have SS?
hygeine and children is the most painful subject but if he's that bad, I'd be concerned that bullying could start - perhaps an honest conversation with him, level with him, sit somewhere calm and on the same level (literally) and talk calm, coach him to find the right answers "buddy, can you smell anything?"
"okay and what do you think might be causing it?"
"okay, is there anything you could do that might make it better?"
let him find the answers, to admit it smells and then find his solution (socks/showering daily etc). If you raise it with him, without him coming to those conclusions himself, sounds like he could lash out purely from embarrassment and then his attitude overrules and nothing is achieved
for the food thing:
ask him to set a ground rule for the time he's at yours - agree that perhaps "he gets an hour of the main TV" or something, so long as he doesn't bring food/drink upstairs, explain that you will all agree to follow this rule because it's a sign of respect and it also ensures the house doesn't get mice and rats in his room! Every time he fails "okay, we had an agreement but you didn't hold up your end"
sounds like he doesn't respond to anger or frustration so I'd go down the path of calm coaching and tough love - perhaps he might reflect on guilt
hope you work something out, sounds like you're halfway there with your partner getting on board, baby steps and calm communication and you should be able to mould everyone on board step by step x
Oh and the eggs!
He's 11 - time to teach him how to make his own eggs and he can decide if they're good enough for himself or not!
The pest issue has already
The pest issue has already been discussed calmly with him or I would agree that that's the way to go. Apparently he's already created a bug problem at BM's. Nothing. Honestly, I think he lacks the capacity for guilt. I've never seen a sign that he's ever been sorry for anything. Though it's possible he covers well. His MO seems more to be "as long as I get what I want, it's all good." He just sits there for the talk and then goes back to whatever he was doing.
It's amazing how many people
It's amazing how many people complain about the skids leaving half drank pop cans all over the house. The solution is easy: Stop buying pop in cans. In fact, stop buying pop at all.
Also, stop buying candy and snacks. Or hide it all from him.
with us it was glasses of
with us it was glasses of water.. bottles of water.. cans of soda.. bottles of juice.. pretty much any drink imaginable. My YSD was and still as an adult is the worst about getting a full drink.. only drinking a half if that. of it. her money now..lol.
She drank an entire soda in the car once and I told her it must be Christmas in July because it was a Christmas Miracle she finished it.. she was... "yeah.. I know Right???"
My DH was the one buying the
My DH was the one buying the pop. It took 1) the SSs going through an entire case of pop in less than 48 hours, and
me leaving it for DH to clean up. After that, DH allowed them 1 can of pop a day.
My DH has been buying it
My DH has been buying it because he likes it too (I don't like carbonation so I couldn't care less) but after this last incident - no more soft drinks. He's also stopped buying after dinner mints (which we used to keep on hand) and candy for SS. Anything we buy for us goes on the top shelf where SS can't see or reach. That should help some, but even with healthy snacks, SS will sneak them upstairs.
To me, it's the lying and disobedience that need to be addressed most.