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Alienation continues, but DH stood his ground

Hastings's picture

SS13 has been extra annoying lately, but some things seemed to get better. Then this week:

1) We have a rule that all electronics are handed over at bedtime. This week, we discovered he'd snuck something in and was keeping it. DH confiscated everything and he could only have his phone for school (DH wants him to have it in case there's a bus problem -- they have to put them in lockers during the day.)

2) He violated the no food in the room rule -- again. DH chewed him out and locked up all the Christmas candy. DH said "Do you realize the dogs could get something like that and get sick?" SS (shrugging): Yeah.

3) A couple of days a week, SS goes to BM's after school to go to the gym with her. DH doesn't mind as he thinks it's good he's exercising-- as long as he's here in time for a shower and dinner. Last night DH was picking up something for dinner. SS finally texted what he wanted. Then he barely touched it. (Hey, a good leftover meal for me!) Then, an hour or so later, he asked DH if he could get dessert. DH replied "No. Uoh didn't eat dinner. If you're hungry, go eat your dinner or get some leftovers from last night. You don't get to pick at your food and fill up on candy." Cue scowling and red-faced borderline crying.

He went back to BM's today as DH had to go out of town. SS didn't say a single word after asking for dessert to drop off this morning.

I'm glad DH doesn't just roll over and play Disney dad for his spawn, but I doubt the consequences do any good. To SS, DH and I are just mean hardasses who don't let him do whatever he wants. Maybe someday he'll realize DH was trying to teach him things? I have my doubts. This kid is so spoiled and selfish and has no apparent sense of guilt, responsibility or empathy.


JRI's picture

Your DH wad actIng like (gasp!) a real dad!  The nerve!  lol.

Your SS is rebelling against him cuz 1) he's a teen and 2) DH is strong enough to rebel agsinst.  I hate to tell you but it will go on awhile.  Stay strong, dad.

Hastings's picture

Very true.

I will say, though, it's not all teen rebellion. This kid has been sneaking and lying and acting out when he doesn't get what he wants as long as I've known him -- since he was 5 at the very least.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

My SO's son is almost 14 and seems to be correcting himself, maybe due to peer pressure. But, back when he was a victim of bad parenting, his outbursts usually involved food. He kicked and hit me over an ice cream cone (he wanted a second one after finishing his first but it was time to go.) Your SS is 13 and crying over candy. Jeez. Good on DH for not caving. 

Harry's picture

Parenting.  We all go through it.  By the time they reach 40 it's all good.  You get to fill up the  GK  with red dye and send them back to SS 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

If your husband continues, SS13 will stop coming over. Its very likely that your husband will change his parenting once SS13 pulls the blackmail card of never coming around again

Thats been my experience with all the soon as parenting is involved, they want to run home to BM and cut off their father. The father quickly retracts and goes back to being permissive so he can keep the relationship going

Hastings's picture

Yeah, we're kind of anticipating SS refusing to come. We both realize it's probably coming.

I don't know what DH's response will be. The way he talks, half the time he's ready to just send SS to BM and be done with it. But if really faced with SS's rejection, I don't know. He also acknowledges how much it hurts that his kid doesn't want to be with him. But he's also been dealing with this for years and mostly refuses to back away from actual parenting.

We'll see, I guess.

TrueNorth77's picture

This is EXACTLY what we are dealing with. DH parents SD14- bedtime, (very menial and mostly because I'm not a maid) chores, expectations of grades and treating others well, going to school, and he doesn't allow her to just eat fast food or junk all the time. It's really what parents should be doing. But it's exactly the opposite at Crazy's- there are zero rules, lots of coddling, no chores, and all you can eat junk food. We also anticipated that SD would someday turn on DH in favor of Crazy, but it happened really suddenly with no catalyst, and now she will be staying there for 4 wks since she "hates DH". He is sad, but also changed his attitude a bit and is mad and thinks she is super ungrateful and being a complete brat. He's not wrong. I think he's accepted it, and we'll see where we land after the 4wks. He said the expectations of her will be the same- this will not be a tool for her to try to manipulate him into just letting her do what she wants here. I do believe him, because he wants her to do well in life and he knows if he acted like Crazy, SD would be a high school dropout working fast food for the rest of her life...

I can't say I don't hate the idea of 4 SD-free weeks...

Lillywy00's picture

I might be in the minority but if my kids or step kids said they refused to come over because I enforce reasonable rules then .... GOOD RIDDENS! Stay with the other parent then. 

I refuse to be emotionally blackmailed by some crumbsnatchers that I gotta provide and pay for ?!? 

No and NO!!!!


My house -> My money -> My Rules .... PERIOD!!!

TrueNorth77's picture

The audacity of some of these kids. That's exactly what they are trying to do- emotionally blackmail one parent to get what they want, which is coddling/lax treatment. I am fairly certain that is what SD14 is trying to do with my DH, but he is of the same mindset of you thankfully, so it ain't gonna work SD....



Lillywy00's picture

This is actually refreshing to hear 

a dad who actually acts like a dad vs a peer who is desperate to be liked by people he provides for

Glad your DH is in the rare minority of men who parent their kids properly. 

SS will sulk now but he will thank y'all later once he realizes he has developed into a person people want to be around, future spouse would want to marry long term all because you all helped him be responsible for himself and considerate of others. 

Well done!