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Does anyone else get blamed for this?

Harleygurl's picture

It is my general opinion that DH and BM are fairly crappy parents. Yes, they were young when they had SS7 but the kid is going to be 8 soon and any normal person would have gotten a clue by now, I would think.

SS7 has declared on many occasions that he wants to kill himself, or nobody likes him, or he's stupid. He's anything but stupid. He has been to counseling, had ADHD testing, autism testing, and now more counseling. He doesn't have anything wrong with him as far as ADHD (he's borderline for ADD) and autism.

So I, being a proactive person and a realist, ask a lot of questions. Questions that DH and BM don't think of. Half the time DH is appreciative and the other half the time he thinks I'm meddling and don't know a damn thing about raising kids. Hello? Neither one of my sons has said that they want to kill themselves!

Does anyone out there deal with getting blamed for "meddling" when they are just trying to help? Have you withdrawn your help completely then? I guess I'm tired of helping DH try to be a better parent and then getting shit on when he doesn't like what he hears.

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askYOURdad's picture

::raises hand::

I feel like you stole a page out of my journal!

I don't think DH is a crappy parent but I do think he could step up a little more sometimes. His personality is very lax and laid back. If he didn't have 50/50 it wouldn't be such a big deal.

I have stepped back a lot and pretty much only "meddle" when it affects me directly or the consequence will directly affect me.

Here is an example though. We have week on/week off starting Monday but BM is in the Bahamas so we had them Friday rather than today. Last night I was doing some extra homework with my one bio who is struggling a little and even though I normally stay out of it I said to DH "you know, SD hasn't done any homework and it's already 6" (she is notorious for "remembering" homework at bedtime. DH said "SD says she doesn't have any homework. I let that go. Ok. So this morning DH is putting lunches in their backpacks and can't zip up SDs, so I made a snarky comment "funny how she brought home all of those books yet had no homework" lol guess who was doing homework on the way to school this morning. SD asked me not to say anything, I'm thinking, don't worry I won't I said something last night and DH didn't care, why should I?

Harleygurl's picture

Exactly! I mention something and one time DH will be so grateful. Like how he begged me to go to the ADHD testing with him because I knew about the subject (my oldest son has it). And on the other hand I point out and question things BM is doing that is screwing SS7 up and I'm told I have a "personal vendetta and am that I'm obsessed with everything little thing she does." No! I care about what the two of them are doing to this poor child's psyche! Neither one of them has a filter for what they do or say in front of him.

The thing is SS7 lives with us half the month and his presence and the things he does do effect me and my son. It's sad when my BS15 tells me that DH is doing a crappy job. This is a kid noticing the things DH does wrong and he thinks BM is equally screwed up just from the things SS7 has said to him about his life at her house.

SS7 tells me more stuff than he would ever tell BM or DH. I feel sooooo sorry for this little kid. He has the weight of both his parents on his shoulders and shouldn't.

DaizyDuke's picture

Depends.... on one hand DH wants me to "act like a mother" to SD15 (i.e. play, skip, sing songs, wave rainbows, taxi her ungrateful ass around, buy her things etc) then on the other hand he wants me to "mind my own business" (i.e. don't question him about $700.00 cell phone bills, shitty grades, lying etc.)

Which is why I.do.nothing. I can't win either way, so I just don't even play.

B22S22's picture

YESSSSSS!!

It's the phenomenon I call:

"Open your heart, your home, and ESPECIALLY your wallet, but keep your damned mouth shut."

That's the game we used to play in our house all the time.

Harleygurl's picture

Well as BadFairy called it, SS7 is a hot mess! DH just got a call from the school. SS7 is probably going to get out of school suspension for his antics today. Boy do I have happiness to go home to after work!

Goincrazy40's picture

Yep. I got "reprimanded" last week for "sticking my nose where it didn't belong" when my 14 year old SS was being so loud and disrespectful that I had to explain to a customer that no one was being murdered in my office. But you know, I should just turn a blind eye and laugh that shit off.

Harleygurl's picture

He's moody but not suicidal. He repeats a lot of what he hears. Unfortunately the adults in his life (other than me) don't watch what they say on any subject. SS7 is very smart and knows how to work people. It's not his fault that he was born to two people that can't get their heads out of their asses and think about what they do BEFORE he is exposed. I mean really! Last night he recited to me how much his step-dad makes and how they can't pay bills and then looked at me and asked me how much money I make! Why would a 7 year old be worrying about these things??? He also has been allowed to play or watch every violent rated M video game out there. I think a lot of the death and destruction thoughts come from that.

farting_glitter's picture

I have been blamed for many things...by DH, BM, Inlaws, Princess Boy, BMs' Parents...etc.....blamed by everyone for everything PB related.... :sick:

Tuff Noogies's picture

glitter i almost said something this weekend was "All Glitter's Fault"- caught myself tho' as dh would wonder if i was sidestepping my sanity Wink but it did give me a good laugh }:)

QueenBeau's picture

*raises hand*

When SD7 was having a hard time adjusting to an EOWE schedule last year (before she started school she was 3 weeks here 6 weeks there) I was accused of meddling because I suggested SD NOT go on her usual 4 week summer visit to DH's parents.

First, they had to work so she was shuffled back & forth to a sitter. Second, it meant spending 3 weeks at their house 1 week at the beach 2 weeks with BM & 4 weeks at our house. Too much for her to adjust to, she was a hot mess until the last week or 2 of summer.

DH thought I was just 'messing things up'. I was just actually looking out for SD's best interest, unlike everyone else who just wanted to share' SD. She needed to feel stable & at home, but I was meddling for pointing that out.

zerostepdrama's picture

Um yes... Like hey DH I hear rumors that your 16 year old is pregnant... Oh mind my own business..I dont know what I am talking about??? Oh okay..... here comes baby 2 months later.

Oh DH I think that you should have a talk with SS. He is doing drugs and doesn't have a job and just wants to lay around. Oh I shouldnt be concerned? I should worry about my kid and you worry about yours?

Oh DH I heard rumors that your 14 year old daughter is a bully at school. And remember you have gotten 2 phone calls from parents about her bullying. Oh this is just normal teen stuff and she is fine?

NO YOUR KIDS ARE PIECES OF SHIT! You and BM think this shit is normal because you grew up in such a f'd up environment. However it's not "normal", you know its not "normal" but you act like it's normal so you dont have to parent or feel bad that you are a lazy parent.....

bulletproof's picture

Yup! And then I disengaged and now nothing can be my fault.

My SS has said all of the same stuff before, and it went ignored. BM took her to her marriage counselor, and that bimbo declared him normal despite the fact that he punched his mother in front of his school's faculty, staff, and all of the students after saying all the same stuff your SS said.

Not my bowl of crazy anymore, nor will it ever be again.