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Annoyed with my DS....not so Dear right now

halo1998's picture

DS is 22, graduated college and is on the autism spectrum.  He was diagnosed at the age of 7.  That being said...enough already.

He is 22..just now got his first part time job.  His father, the VI and I had to push for that.  DS just wanted to continue to go to college.  Mmm..yea NO.

DD was suppsed to attend college the UK.  Covid crushed those dreams so she is going to her second choice, which is about 2 miles from my house.  DD asked in lieu of a dorm room two miles from the house, could be rent her an apartment using the money that would have been used for her dorm/food had she gone overseas.    Ok sure...

DS, who we (the VI and I) made him attend a local college..BECAUSE DS WOULD NOT DECIDE ON WHERE HE WANTED TO GO.  In the end he missed every flippen deadline for applications so we said..ok then community college it is for the first 2 years and then he transferred to the local big 10 college here.  Let just say...they love scarlet and gray.  Ok...DS never asked to move out into a dorm or an apartment.

DS upon hearing we would fork over money for her rent...wanted to know where his free rent came from....the free rent he never asked for.  

DH and I decided rather than spend money on rent we would buy a condo and DD and DS can live there while DD is attending college.  DD gets her freedom and DS gets to launch slowly since he definately is on the spectrum.  The kids are responsible for the utilities and their own food. That is IT...we pay the mortage and the HOA.  Pretty sweet deal....we found a really nice 2 bedroom condo with two full baths for them.

DD was packed and ready to go...DS not so much, as in NOTHING PACKED.  DD has been going back and forth with stuff and getting things set up.  DS..nada.  DD has painted, cleaned etc..DS..nada.  

It has been like pulling teeth to get this kid (I use that term lightly) to do anything.  Then the other day...he was all mopey because "you are kicking me out".  YA THINK THERE DS...Yes I am kicking you out of my house to a fully paid condo.  At 22 yes..I am kicking you out to become independent.

All DS wants to do is sit around play games and relax.  Yea...that time has passed.  You are 22 and time to start adulting..I'm even helping you do the adulting thing slowly.  

Good lord...this kid is going to drive me to drink.  I feel bad he thinks we are kicking him out but then again....he needs to start being a little indepdent.


Am I wrong here????? Help....


tog redux's picture

No, you aren't wrong. Failure to Launch can start after college and he needs to be pushed to be more independent. Set a date and off he goes. 

advice.only2's picture

So when my BS graduated he was gifted the opportunity to move out with two other roommates. BS was all gung ho ready to go until actual moving day, then he got his little panties in a twist and pretty much made the whole move really difficult. There were accusations of kicking him out, accusations of how he wasn't ready etc. Up until that day he was excited about living out on his own.

Once BS was out and settled into his new little world he was fine and was happy he did move. Sadly the roommate situation deteriorated after a year and he had to move home, but he fought moving back, he exhausted every option before he finally committed that he needed to move back.

Maybe once your BS is out he will feel differently. My BS does not have Autism, but he does have a neurological disorder that can cause issues with his processing.

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly. It's normal to be nervous about such a big change. But letting him avoid it just reinforces the fear. 

IDontCare3117's picture

Halo, I bet your son will adjust to living in the condo within a day or two of moving in.  As AO and Tog noted, change is scary.  Moving away from home is scary.  That fear quickly dissipates when a young adult starts figuring out life on his or her own.  

halo1998's picture

I mean at 22 I had a full time job..moved to a city I never lived in and bought my first brand new car.  DH was across the world on a navy ship.  We struggle between making him do stuff and giving a bit of grace due to his diagnosis. 


IDontCare3117's picture

Moving him into a condo where he pays for utilities, groceries, and his other personal expenses is hardly kicking him into the cold with only the clothes on his back.  You're giving him the opportunity to be independent, AND also save money for his future.  That's definitely not being an a-hole.

tog redux's picture

NTA at all. In fact, it's good parenting and you are doing him a favor. I was super anxious about going to college, and if my parents had let me, I'd have avoided it. But they didn't and I am forever grateful. 

IDontCare3117's picture

I was scared to move out after college.  I remember standing in the driveway with my dad, my car full of my stuff.  "I can home back home if things get tough, Daddio, right?"  My dad replied, "Hell, no, you can't!  You've got to stay gone!  Here's the number of a candy store where you can leave messages for your mother and me.  We'll check in at the store once a week to see if you've called."

My dad was, of course, joking.  I got it, though.  "Time to fly, little birdie.  Go make your own nest."

tog redux's picture

I lived at home for a year after college, and when I left for graduate school, my father said, "Make it good! You're not coming back!"  He too was kidding (but not really, I was the final kid to fly the nest).  That's how it used to go with parents, they didn't coddle you and make comfortable so you wanted to live at home forever.

still learning's picture

How times have changed. 22 seems like the new 17. Like you, at 22 I married, had a infant, was soon to have another. Worked odd jobs around then DH's schedule. Went to schoo....etc. Now just getting them away from their screens is a challenge. It is a different time and life is more expensive, but I think our expectations, and society's expectations have changed. With COVID, it's a hard time to launch but still possible.  

I have a mid 20's basement dweller who has been diagnosed with a mild ID. He does work and contributes to the expenses so I'm not actively encouraging him to launch. He will always need some kind of direction. It's harder when there is an intellectual/disability issue.  

WalkOnBy's picture

so, my DSD25, known around this site as Thing2, would certainly had been on the spectrum if such a thing was regularly diagnosed in the early 90s.  I truly believe he is an extremely high functioning Aspie.  When he was little, all the signs were there, sensory processing issues, OCD tendencies, ADHD diagnosis and on and on and on.  His twin brother, Thing1, was "normal" and I had already had one child (DD29) so I knew that this kid was different. 

Lots of struggles with medication, CBT therapy, private school, lots of love and more patience than I ever thought I could have, plus the natural maturation process taking place and today, Thing2 is a vaccine scientist, holds a Masters Degree from Kyoto University (yes, he just picked up and moved to Japan to go to grad school), living in Richmond, VA.  

All of this is to say that I worried every step along the way, just like you, drifting between making him do stuff and giving him grace because of his issues.  I believe that "kicking him out" in the loving way that you have is the perfect move and you guys are doing it right!  

Oh, and Go Blue :-) 

halo1998's picture

that said go Boilermakers....  LOL

We too have done many many therapies...had a great school district that really worked with him etc.  I knew he was different from the get go....I love him..but whew....he tries my patience.  

halo1998's picture

dream of buying a lake house in order to buy this for them to live in.  I thought we were being pretty generous.

bearcub25's picture

That was a smart move Halo and a great launching pad.  Having his sister there will make him feel safer but able to spread his wings.

I had to do that with my DS and once he started being independent, he pushed himself more.