Control Freak BM & The B-Day Cake....
So I know BM is a complete control freak who cries, pouts & whines whenever something doesn't go her way. Of course she does the whining to DH, who always finds a way to satisfy her so she doesn't make his life a complete hell for weeks. Just two weeks ago BM told DH (in an email) that she was going to try harder w/ me. This came after years of her ignoring me & telling DH I was not welcome at skids events. In the last few months I have gone to a couple of skids events because they ask me to. I am no longer working ridiculous hours at work, therefor I could no longer make up an excuse as to why I could not go w/o being obvious. The events went fine, BM & I pretty much ignored each other. I know she didn't enjoy it, but the smile I got from my oldest SD while she was singing up on stage made it all worth it. She picked me out of the crowd & was beaming a great big smile right at me, DH noticed & was pleasantly surprised.
Anyway back to current issue- my oldest SD decided she wanted to have her B-day sleepover party at DH& my house. The trying harder comment from BM came after oldest SD asked BM if she would be at party too. DH said she asked BM in way like "will you be at my party too, even though GreenEyedSM is there?" I guess it finally hit BM that oldest SD has picked up on the way she acts toward me. So BM decides she wants to play nice... sure!
So figuring SD party is at our house I figure we are responsible for food & cake. I have been asking SD what kind of cake she wants to make for a week. DH knew about this too. Today SD texts me she would like to make the Jumbo cupcake (as seen on tv). We had planned on doing a practice run this weekend to make sure it works out. I text her back, sounds great & I will get the mold at store. Two mins later DH cell rings. Its BM saying how her feelings were hurt because she planned on bringing the cake. DH explained that no one knew that & it was just assumed since party was here we were doing the cake. I overheard & didn't say a word. A few mins later DH comes upstairs & says BM is having an issue w/ the cake. DH says what BM said & I asked what am I suppose to tell SD now? So I decided fine, I'll tell her the truth, text SD sorry... misunderstood, BM bringing cake but we can still make jumbo cupcake for fun. SD was fine, but then my feelings were little hurt because now if our practice run this weekend turns out ok SD wants to take mold to BM's to make party cupcake w/her.
I know its a little silly but I was excited to help SD w/ cake & now our idea will be taken to BM's because she is a jealous control freak.
SD's party is at our house... BM wants to control everything & come into our house & do as she pleases. If I argue DH will catch hell from her. Its not in my nature to roll over & play dead, but I am constantly having to do so to make everyone else happy.
I feel so depressed. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate her BS. I only do it because I love DH... & SD's.
I have never let anyone in my life treat me the way BM does.....
- GreenEyedSM's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I hate the having to appease
I hate the having to appease everyone too. The skids are bad enough and then my own kids too. It is very stressful.
I can't stand the appeasing
I can't stand the appeasing either. As a selfish woman it's hard for me to effectively think about pleasing everyone around me outside of myself and my husband...that's where Dh comes in and overcompensates for my lack of "appease-ability". it IS stressful.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
My DH steps in also for the
My DH steps in also for the appease-ability, but I'm having a very hard time not being resentful. I resent the fact that DH apeases BM all the time but never seems to care about apeasing me. I feel like my feelings NEVER matter. Even tonight I only got a thank for bowing down to BM w/ the cake issue. DH didn't want to hear how my feelings were hurt. BM's feelings are all that matter to him. I am seriously considering calling it quits. It just never seems to get better. No- I can not change BM but I do have to put up w/ how DH handles her & I don't think I can tolerate it any longer.
Why not make TWO Huge
Why not make TWO Huge cupcakes..One chocolate, and One Vanilla? Make one at your house and one at BM's.
DID BM mention the Giant Cupcake?? Maybe she just wants to make a reg cake.??
I hate vanilla myself..So I always have two cakes OR one Half & half sheet cake for those who hate chocolate..LOL
OR you could show SD that your trying hard with her BM, by inviting BM to come bake with you & Stepdaughter?? Do it (bake together)only when DH is home.
And if you are Buying the Mold, make sure if they Borrow it , you get it back. The molds are expensive , my daughter does cake decorating. They range about 20- 30.00 or more.depending on which you want.
Here's a link, this one has the giant animal cookie cutters which are also cute!
https://www.bigtopcupcake.com/?MID=626687
You got it exactly right
You got it exactly right Mommy- BM got upset about the cake after SD was excited about it. BM can't stand the fact that I would do something great w/ her daughter. She has always been this way. All the attention has to on BM at all times. I was doing it for SD, that's it & BM has to turn it in to a tug of war. I am so sad & frustrated. SD said she wanted the party at our house, DH & I said great. BM was always suppose to come because that is how she is. She wouldn't allow a party w/o her being involved, we both knew that. I didn't think BM was going to control every aspect of party & want to take over my home. This is what it has turned into... & DH acts like I shouldn't be upset. WTF? I would just leave & not be here w/ BM but my daughter will be @ party too, since she & SD are close, & my daughter will want me to stay. I am so sick of dealing w/ this.
Does anyone elses BM sound
Does anyone elses BM sound like mine? How do you handle her? Please I seriously need help! All I can do is sit here & cry... None of my friends are remarried or SM's... I feel so alone
GreenEyedSM - I know how
GreenEyedSM - I know how frustrating it is to want to do something, or come up with an idea and have BM want to take it over.
BUT.. having said that... does it matter? In the big scheme of things? You and SD are going to make one together, and BM may or may not even try. It doesn't matter. SD told you what she wanted and you tried to make it happen. IF BM makes it happen that day... and gets all the praise and glory.... So What?? It's a hard, bitter pill to swallow. Believe me, I have had a sore throat from shit like that.
But really, this is one battle that's not worth fighting. The party, the food, everything else is at your and DH's house. That IS a big deal.
BM understands what a big deal that is, and is trying to insert herself into it a little. It's almost like you won the big battle, but lost a small fight. BM is probably feeling very hurt that SD picked your home over hers to have the party at, to begin with. So, let her have her little piece in it. You guys have much bigger battles to fight and more things to smooth out.
How you handle this could determine future events. You told SD the truth... she's old enough to know and see what is going on. Now move forward and have a FUN party!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
BMJen - Here's one for
BMJen - Here's one for you... I think that Greeneyed SM could use your viewpoint on this.
Greeneyed SM - to answer your question, Yes... BM over here is like that too. But sometimes I feel more sorry for her than get angry with her. Maybe BMJ can explain it better than I...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thank you Stick, I didn't
Thank you Stick, I didn't think of it from that perspective. You are probably right, SD is a very smart girl & probably does realize what is going on. I don't even think it is the cake thing that is bothering me. I think it's DH's reaction, his attitude towards letting BM do what she wants so as not to make her angry. It's the same thing over & over again. I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings, only BM's. So I'll let her make the cake and eat it too.... whatever.
The stepkids actually all
The stepkids actually all have different bday parties for each family. They never ask questions. They don't remember they're parents being together. It makes everything less stressful AND to top it all off they think it's awesome they get two parties and it makes it look like there are more presents. Why don't you and DH talk about this and sit down with all the kids and talk about this? That way - there is no drama and you don't have to look at eachother. I am confused about why your DH thinks it is okay for her to control your lives? The kids seem really happy from what you have posted (I have so been lurking your page and it really erks me that he is treating you like second best). Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If the kids know you love them like they were your own (which I think is great and you are awesome) then they will understand everything.
Nobody cares about the
Nobody cares about the cake.
BM isn't baking a cake because she loves baking cakes. If she really wanted to bake a cake, she'd do it for her house and not for yours.
You're not upset because you don't get to bake a cake. You can bake a cake with SD whenever you want.
You're pissed (and rightfully so) because BM has found another crack to worm through and insert herself into your life. And you're upset that DH let her. It's the same thing I deal with EVERY DAY. I have no good advice, other than the bit that finally got my husband to (sort of) see the light...
"Dear, we are making a life together and I feel like I'm in constant competition with someone that I should never have to compete with. I don't mind giving up little battles now and then when it's my choice, but I think it's unfair of you to make that choice for me. Your reasoning is because you don't want to upset her. I understand that, but the result is that you're upsetting me. Why are her feelings more important? Even though I logically know this it isn't true, it makes me feel like you care more about her than me. So please DH, let me pick my own battles - I promise I'll be reasonable, defend my rightful place as the woman of this home, and above all else, when making the decision of which woman you are going to piss off, make sure it's not the one that you sleep with."
Bake your cake anyway. Have fun with the experience. And let BM waste her time and look foolish for bringing a cake to someone else's home for a party (I mean really, would you EVER attend a birthday party and assume you were to bring the CAKE?!?!)