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GOOD ARTICLE-THANKS KESS

godess-clueless's picture

The article that was suggested by KES about disengaging got me really thinking. Added much insight to the depth of adult stepchildren problems.

I met my DH after all children were adults. I thought we could be one large family and then wondered why that pipe dream did not pan out no matter how hard I tried. My DH's marriage ended over 32 years ago and the normal roles of each parent fulfilling what would be their area of preparing a child for family life as a unit ended. The girls were between 2- 8 years old. The lessons they learned were very different then the lessons they would have learned as an intact bio family.

As a bio family---mom would have taught the girls the social skills needed. Respect for each family member, respect for self,manners, etc.
Dad would have felt pride in his family, refused to tolerate disrespect towards mom, and backed her expectations of maintaining set standards for their family. Testing the authority of the adults in the household would be met with a swift lesson on rank and order of the household. In most cases his wife's decisions would not be challenged because of what the children WANTED.

As steps these kids missed out on lots of very valuable life lessons. Since mom and dad both went on to have several marriages they learned other skills. They learned how to obtain POWER.
When this new female said 'NO" he said "YES" Before long it did not even require words to reach an understanding that they and dad had the freedom to behave in a manner that would never been acceptable with his first marriage.

I have disengaged for quite some time. Since they were adults already it was just a matter of getting my head out of the fairy tale clouds. I stopped hosting parties to bring the family together, stopped raising their grandchildren, stopped loaning out my money. And soon found there was minimal effort on dad's or their part to have much relationship.
I still have days when I feel anger over it all. I can not imagine how some of these posters deal with the issues of younger steps. My gratitude to the 2 ex wives that tolerated the steps shananigans prior to me. I only deal with a small amount of residual .

Comments

Doubletakex3's picture

I can relate as well. My BM was killed when I was 6. My dad remarried when I was 8. Disrespect of my SM was not tolerated. My father abdicated responsibility for raising me to my SM and, in return, she got to call all the shots...set the rules, discipline, etc. It was not ideal and I hated it but, at the end of the day, disrespect of her was not tolerated and there were consequences. My father did not give me the power to rule the family. Period.

And while my SM may disagree, I just don't recall my parents' working their lives around MY schedule, needs & desires. It was definitely the other way around. In fact, I had to arrange permission to do or go places 24 hours in advance to give them plenty of notice to discuss, decide and work out logistics. Permission was not a given...I was asking, not informing them. No notice, no go. Period.

Money and extras were not handed out just because I wanted something. I had to earn it with hard labor.

In retrospect by parents were there to protect and provide (the basics plus a little extra). Not to continuously serve me.

I'm a product of a stepfamily. Granted, I didn't have two household or another bio parent in the mix, and maybe that's the denominator for disaster. Who knows.

I agree that this generation has WAY too much POWER. Power run amuck is never a good thing, much less in the hands of children. It's as if we're purposely creating a generation of narcissists. And it's very scary.

Doubletakex3's picture

Out of curiosity, did his kids respect him and his decisions before the divorce?

godess-clueless's picture

stepaside---yet another thing to add to the mix. When dad confides his dissatisfactions about a wife to the children. Sends a clear message that if he is unhappy with her they can be also. Anything negative toward the wife that he shares with them can create an "us against the enemy" attitude. It is true in many other relationships as well.

The reason adults should not be quick to run to their own parents with the arguments about their spouse. If you have run your mouth and given your parents the attitude that your spouse is crap they may believe it. True or not it can be difficult to change.
It is the reason divorced parents should not be badmouthing their ex to the children. Especially when the kids initiate the badmouthing because they are upset with a parent at the time. Besides those same kids will be badmouthing you next week to the other parent.

sterlingsilver's picture

This is an interesting topic for me and it got me to looking back over my 2 1/2 years with my SO and his kids. Every little negative thing I have said about SO and skids my own kids seem to react in a protective way toward me in different ways and my ex who stalks me on-line uses any little negative thing I have said on here to "rub it in with glee" that I am not doing well. They don't realize that things I go through with my SO and skids has nothing to do with them or that I am not doing well, it's just me on this forum talking about my struggles or maybe making a statement about something, but they interpret it as me not doing well and my oldest son gets very protective of me. So I just have to be more vigilant about not being negative. I changed my identity on this forum so hopefully I have shaken ex off my trail, but I still need to watch what I say when my boys are over visiting.