First Time Poster, First Time Step Parent, Beyond Lost and Exhausted

Hello to everyone who reads this. I had to google "Free Step-Parent Support Group" and I found this site. I have literally hit that point. I don't know how to not make this a long read, but for anyone who does read this, thank you for taking the time out of your day.

Over the last almost 2 years, I have taken on the role of "step-mom". I have an almost 5 year old son from a prior relationship, my ex husband was abusive and signed off on everything and isn't around. My boyfriend's daugther is almost 8. My boyfriend had a 1 night stand and it resulted in her coming to be. Boyfriend tried to make a relationship with her Mom work for the sake of SD. It 100% did not work, will never work ever. Boyfriend became apart of SD life when she was close to 7-8monts old (complicated story). They tried for about a year.

Mother is extremely unstable and very emotional. She is quick to flip out, she is quick to make threats, she is quick to say things that are upsetting. After a few days, without fail, she will apologize and attempts to operate as if nothing happened (really?) After she apologiez, noone is allowed to be upset over her behavior.

Mother and BF have no legal custody/child support orders. For almost all of SD's life, they have maintained the same schedule. Monday & Wednesday until 8 and every other weekend until Sunday at 4. She has gotten a clost to equal child support amount by calculator standards, 2x a month.

Over the years, he now realizes their situation was beyond messed up and unhealthy. They had a "friendship" that had no rules, no restrictions, nothing off limits, constant communication, constant interaction. She was included in family functions SD was involved in, to keep her at bay and to stop her from getting upset so SD could experience things. Over this time period, she got the wrong impression and created a delusion in her mind that this was all something that it wasnt. She is inlove with him and he cant stand her. She thinks that eventually he'll wake up and they will be a family. She has yet to get another boyfriend since SD was born. BF was, promiscuous to say the least. However, he never introduced any girls to SD because the knew they would not be around.

When I came into the picture, we waited atleast 6 months to reintroduce our children to eachother. They had met 1x when we were still in a friend status. Once we got into a relationship, we waited. We kept our relationship exclusively private. (was still legally married). But by the time the cover was blown, the flood gates opened and its been impossible to stop the flood.

Since that moment, BM has been consistently off her hinges. She could not get over the fact that BF actually has a girlfriend for once, only girl that has lived with him, only girl that has met SD. The fact that everything and BF has changed sent her off the deep end. There have literally been fights for things like, him supporting me using essential oils to deal with issues, eating healthier. It always was "you would never do that for me". There would be no reason that he would, they were not in a relationship.

She sent me a message last May apologizing for her gross behavior and made some points I could see. This was all a first for her, a day she knew was going to come eventually but wasnt ready. We had met up for drinks that night so she could meet me and ask me anything she'd like. It ended on a very good note. After a brief time, she flew back off her handle and things went to crap. I eventually lost my cool and went off on her. She ended up getting carrier blocked and an email put into effect where it was the only way she could contact us, with specific points as to what she could message about. Before, it was a meltdown everyday over anything.

That worked great for awhile. I cant remember how long it was in place and how it unhinged and she creeped back in but she did. Apologies were again made, we spent a night together painting and hanging out. She told me how happy she was I was in SD's life, BF and I are together and that we really should get married and even have more kids. Said if we plan to go the distance, dont wait, get married. Again, ended on a high note. Took 1 month for it fall apart.

Without dragging this out and getting super detailed, my phone accidentally sent her a 13min audio clip where I was extremely upset and talking to BF about current situation about SD eating out everyday. Nothing bad was said. I made a comment of I wished SD was here fulltime because I think she would be happier. BM took this and ran with it. Said that SD was not safe with me. Said she questioned my sanity. She for the upteenth time threatened court, said that SD could not be here if BF is not, our days start at a certain time etc.

Fast forward a week of this very serious battle of her telling people SD is not safe with me, she sends an email last night saying that if we wanted since SD is still on Spring Break, she could spend Wednesday with me if we still wanted. She literally 24hrs prior, said I was unsafe around SD, not trust worthy etc.

I have been dealing with this for so long I am breaking down and reaching my breaking point. I love my kids and BF but I am breaking. BF has not taken her to court yet for fear of what she will do and the negative effects to SD, also $500+ in filing fees. We have decided that it is beyond necessary at this point but I am barely holding on.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Glyziniex's blog
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Comments

You need a court order. If

You need a court order. If you have an established pattern of custody little is likely to change, but it could change. $500 is totally worth your sanity. Treat it like "Oh we just want to get loose ends tied up, what if something happened to one of us, blah, blah, blah."

This sounds a lot like my deal, but there is a court order so we can always fall back on it. (step parenting) and about to get one in my situation with my own child.

Does your BF have any type of

Does your BF have any type of CO for visitation?

If not, and it doesn't sound like he does, he really needs to bite to bullet and get the visitation schedule in writing and into the court system. It sounds like right now she can withhold SD from him.

The other thing that really needs to happen is communication needs to only pertain to SD and only through email. Keeping everything in writing and admissible in court will be important.

Lastly, you can't be friends with crazy. It sounds like BM is still hung up on what could have been with your BF and her. You wouldn't be friends with someone who was trying to steal him away from you, right? Sometimes SM's and BM's can be friendly- I have that relationship with my kids step mom. We share recipes, pictures of the kids, a great coupon code- LOL. However, this woman does not want that, not really. Just steer clear of her and let your BF handle all communication.

Official

I'm sorry that you are going through so many ups and downs. As a generic statement, I'll say that anyone who doesn't have some sort of court order for CS and visitation, allows others to control you. Your SO has been living to keep BM happy, does not stand up to her, so he gives her control. With that said, how do you think a situation like this will end up? Do you really feel like its going to work for the long term? Only you and he can answer this question.

As far as being friends with her, everyone wants that nice happy blended thing, but don't be unrealistic.

Boundaries, boundaries,

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. As you've figured out, this BM is unbalanced to say the least. She is never going to just be the "nice" BM, she is always going to be "The BM who flies off the handle periodically and makes our lives miserable in between periods of niceness". She is not your friend. Block her from your phone. Do not try to be her pal or interact with her at all. She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

BF does need a custody and Child Support arrangement but I'd suggest he try to work it out with her (during a nice phase), rather than drag it into court to fight it out. Court triggers this type of BM and they go scorched earth, trying to take all the custody and get all the money, because they see things in a very black/white way. So if he can get her to agree to a schedule (framed as being in her own best interests), that they can then get approved by the court, that's the best plan. Offer her the maximum child support she would get to sweeten the deal.

You are in for a long haul if you decide to stay, but boundaries are key to survival.

First off wow, I didnt expect

First off wow, I didnt expect any comments, let alone 4, so thank you.

Definitely agree with everything that was said. We do plan on going to court when we have the money. I have accepted a work from home job with a good salary to allow me to be more available the the kids, and he is changing jobs in his profession for more money.

They had a parenting plan drafted many years ago and was only changed recently in the sense that things needed to be amended due to the change in dynamic. (obviously). It however was never filed with the courts and they just used it as their guideline.

It was foolish for me to think that we could be friends or she could be included with things. This is a 1st for me and I didnt know what to expect or what was right or what was wrong. Boy do I know know though.

There is an email in place that we set up back in early September after she was carrier blocked that outlined the only reasons that she is allowed to contact. She was reminded several times she continued to go outside the bounds etc. It has been a battle because that she thinks she is exempt. She has been threatened with no contact orders in the past.

The goal is to get her to agree in email that Mon & Wed are days and not visitation times. If she is able to outline that, then we can take it to court and then situation will turn into a 50/50 situation rather than the 28% the calculator and then game over. Itll be 50/50 across the board.

I agree with the other

I agree with the other posters that he should get a custody agreement. It would be best to keep things amicable with the BM and not go to court, but at some point it may be unavoidable. She has a personality disorder, so she won't always act rationally. A court issued agreement is best because It'll ensure that she can't randomly decide to withhold his child from him out of anger, jealousy or some other negative emotion. My BF's ex got pissed when he left her and she refused to let him see their 2 kids for months. She uses the kids as pawns to control him with, it's very sad.

You definitely need to stop contacting her and hanging out with her. I know my BF's ex still has feelings for him and she tries so hard to stay relevant in his life. Your BF's ex could be using you to stay close to him. I had thoughts about trying to befriend my BF's ex but he quickly killed those thoughts. He hates her and would understandably probably start to resent me too if I became friends with her. Just like your BF's ex, she has unpredictable behaviors. One minute she's being sweet as pie giving me gifts for my baby, the next she's pissed because BF refuses to take the kids on HER weekend, then she threatens to tell his kids lies to make them think he doesn't care about them which is why he won't take them, when in reality he has plans and she waited till the last minute to ask.

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