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If you have a choice of being a Full Timer or Sending skid to BM Full Time....

Frustr8d1's picture

First, I already agree with any future responses that tell me my DH is a clueless piss poor parent. Now that we got that out of the way, DH and BM have a poorly defined CS order. It's supposed to be shared custody but BM has only exercised her visitation a few times. As a result, DH and I have had SD11 full time for over 6 yrs now. DH is military so we live far far from BM and she has not once tried to seek custody of any kind for over 6 years (I don't know how a mom can not even put up a small protest for custody but that's another story). We are full timers and SD11 is a chronic liar, a master manipulator, and a very slow learner when it comes to life skills and relationships. DH and I have explained simple concepts and tried to teach but she cannot grasp the simplest of concepts. DH is so frustrated with her and I am at wits end since my role as SM is so conflicting (even as a full time SM) I have become depressed, anxious, and I'm on all types of meds for physical and mental pains.

DH said last week that he can't keep watching us be destroyed by SD and her resistance to us. He said he plans to contact BM and tell her it's her turn to be the full timer. I immediately thought that's a bad idea (as much as I would LOVE to have BM take the responsibility she has denied her whole life)

So today, DH was arguing with me about SD (our only source of argument) and he blurted out that he's trying to "improve my life, even to the extent of sending SD away." I knew right then he will blame me forever for "sending" her away even though I'm the one who keeps telling him it's a bad idea. BM is a felon who got off easy and only spent 1 night in jail. But she can't be trusted with anything, especially a child.

If any of you have foresight on this type of thing, am I right that I should talk DH out of sending SD back where she came from? I can see an endless number of things going wrong. SD hardly knows BM. BM will probably try to rape us with CS. DH will be spending all his time off flying thousands of miles for visitation and leave me and BD4 home alone. DH will become Disney Dad and buy ridiculous things for SD after he forgets what a self-centered narcissist she is.

Comments

askYOURdad's picture

WTF? BM doesn't even want the kid, has made no effort to have her and he's trying to send her away? This poor child. Geeze!

I don't know what you should do. If he sends her away you are to blame, if you talk him into not sending her away "you knew what you were getting into" so you are damned if you do and damned if you don't!

Hugs. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, you are definitely in a tough spot.

Frustr8d1's picture

I was very cautious of this man...6 freaking years ago. Not much I can do now. I should have ran when I had the chance but I screwed that one up royally.

amber3902's picture

You are right that if you send SD away that would only make things worse.

But I don't see how staying in this situation is working, either. Something has to change. I'm not trying to point the finger here, I'm sure you're trying to parent with one arm tied behind your back, but something is not right here. You have had SD full time since she was 5 years old and she still has behavior problems?

I don't know how involved DH is in her parenting, but if I were you, I wouldn't send SD away, I'd send DH away.

Okay, I know that's not the answer you want, so maybe parenting classes and marriage counseling would help.

StarStuff's picture

I'm leaning towards keeping her. We had full custody of my SD10 for nearly 3 years, and even though she annoyed the piss out of me, I tolerated her better full-time bc we had a schedule, rituals, etc. Now we're only able to see her here and there, and she annoys me exponentially more bc I'm used to not having her. And now there's always the dread of her coming. I feel like your situation would be similar.