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OT: my friend needs to run!!!!

FrenchPeas's picture

I have a friend that I absolute adore. She's young and very pretty. Sweet beyond all measure. Has a cute little precocious 4 year old daughter. She's divorced from an abusive, controlling man that had women on the side. At work, she met a mutual guy friend of mine and started dating him.

While I don't work with my friend group, they all work together. Which is a bummer. I'd love to work with all of them because they are so much fun. Anyways, she starts dating 'this guy and he's truly one of my least favorites of the group. He's crass. Super inappropriate. Foul language. He can be funny but he also has a vicious temper. So much so that it basically cost him his job. Not to mention that he's diagnosed bipolar. He also attempts to say he has PTSD from his military duty. He never saw combat. He was a mechanic on a ship. Seriously never left the boat.

This girl has already been thru so much and she has chosen a worse pick this time around. (Much like myself - for those not you that remember my story). In fact, this guy is worse than nimrod. He is extremely similar to nimrod in that he has sociopathic personality traits. I could give tons of examples of how he's treated her and her daughter. He uses her and takes money from her. Uses her debit card without asking. She doesn't make much either. He's not found a job since losing his. Screaming at her and punching walls or his truck when she attempts to talk things out with him. It goes on and on.

The worst part is that her daughter is scared of him. I told her that was grounds for a break up on its own. I said you don't want this for her and she has no say. Cursing and screaming at a sick four year old is a deal breaker. Not to mention the girl flinches when he even says her name.

I've been there for her to vent and she does see she's getting that short end of things and that he isn't good for them. She has Head knowledge that she deserves better. When your four year old tells your boyfriend that it isn't nice to call mommy dirty words, something needs to end. When other girls send screenshots of Snapchat convos, things need to end.

I get that she feels for him losing his job and he's "stressed" but that is zero excuse for being stolen from, named called, used, and abused. It's more than just stress. It's a character thing. I know because I lived it and I tried everything humanly possible to fix an unfixable situation. Like I said. No one ever called me a "f***ing bitch" for standing up for myself. She hears it all the time.

Here is hoping she gets away from him sooner rather than later and she doesn't marry him like they have discussed. That would break my heart. She's too sweet for that.

It makes me wonder if name calling is off limits or acceptable? I wouldn't have accepted that.

Comments

moeilijk's picture

Of course name calling is off limits and unacceptable.

Of course being afraid is unacceptable.

I just feel so sad for your friend. Because if she isn't distancing herself from this unacceptable behaviour, it's because she doesn't know it's unacceptable, and that (in my experience) is likely because she's been around it so much.

ntm's picture

The judge in my divorce case agreed that name calling fit the definition of cruel and inhuman treatment, which is one of the categories of grounds for divorce in my state. Does your friend want her daughter growing up to believe that it's acceptable to be treated like this by a so called man?

still learning's picture

Your friend has got some serious deep issues since she keeps choosing the same kind of man over and over. It's sad that her young daughter has to suffer for her mothers bad taste in men.

WTF...REALLY's picture

So sorry your friend is repeating her pattern for men. I hope she wakes up sooner than later so she doesn’t teach her daughter to also be treated like this when she becomes a woman Sad

FrenchPeas's picture

Yea, I agree name callingbis abuse. It kills me she stays with him. Her daughter is more important than this. She said her ex didn't name call her. I said then allowing it to continue is accepting it. I told her any behavior she is dealing with now is only going to be worse and not better. She does realize he's not likely to change. I said don't keep taking this mess off him. He Is pretty typical in that he apologizes and is nice for a while. Then goes right back to the bad behavior. The standard cycle of abuse.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

The poor thing!!! like legitimately I want to give her a hug! And then slap her in the face and tell her to get away from him!!! Keep working on it and supporting her! Even if she doesn’t un, it’s bound to snap and go sour eventually, and she’s gonna need you there at that point especially! I hope she smartens up, but there’s no guarantee of that... So be there for her! You don’t want to push her away so she knows she can come to you when it goes bad later...

moving_on_again's picture

I hate reading this kind of stuff. Makes me sick that she doesn't think she deserves better.

FrenchPeas's picture

Yep. I am sticking with her so when she gets it, I can be a good friend to her. It makes me sad.