Women are got good at forgiving and forgetting. When its your birth child its easier to go with the flow, but when its the Sks we remember every infraction. Your wife probably is not over the past problems and now that SD is back they are magnified. You need to set a plan in place where there is going to be an improvement and the daughter is going to get her own place. Your wife will wallow in the pit unless she can see that something positive is going to happen and that she will not always be taking care of this older woman. She may be your daughter, but in your wife's mind she is old enough to move on and get a life of her own instead of acting like a little kd. Your wife needs to see that it wont always be like this.

Aside from all the things your daughter has done to screw up her life it sounds like maybe she's finally putting on her "grown up panties" and trying to repent. I can see how your wife might shy away from this but I imagine it's because she's AFRAID. Her fear of your daughter falling back into her old pattern of screwing up is making your wife build that wall higher and higher. No matter what your daughter does at this point will break that wall unless the communication improves. The fear needs to be taken care of so the wall can be removed.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

I'm glad it sounds like your daughter is finally attempting to get her life in order. It sucks that it took so long, and that it has to happen in your house.

First, I think you have to own up to your part in this problem. You allowed this situation to go WAY too far. There is no way your daughter should have been allowed to plant herself in your house for 2 1/2 years and do essentially nothing, all the while disrespecting you and your wife. You say that "X wife did not
want her daughter to take a college break but I was ok with it and looked forward to having my daughter move in with me and my new wife." Nowhere in this sentence do I see one word telling us what your CURRENT wife felt about this situation. Did she get consulted on this the first time, or did you just tell her that your daughter would be moving in? It sounds to me like you did absolutely nothing to make this situation better, and you let your daughter completely run the show. What wife wouldn't resent this situation? You gave your daughter your wife's space, time, money, allowed her to be disrespected, etc.

Fast forward to today: "About 4 months ago my daughter lost her job and one month ago she moved back with us." Once again, not one word about what your wife's opinion of this was. Did you consult her, or did you once again just tell her that your daughter was moving back in?

At this point, the fact that you had some of her family staying with you is irrelevant. Step one to making this situation better is to go to your wife, bring up all of this, and say: "I am deeply, sincerely sorry that I brought my daughter into this house, TWICE, against your will, and allowed her to disrespect you and me and our home. I am deeply sorry that I allowed her to take advantage of us for so long and essentially forced you to go along with it."

After that, you need to ask her if she will help you to find a way to help your daughter -- a way that works for YOUR WIFE as well as you and your daughter. At this point, your wife is incapable of seeing anything your daughter does as positive. But that's because you've created a situation where the two of them are on opposing teams. Your wife sees -- correctly, I think -- that so far, only one of them gets to have their way at a time. And mostly, you give it to your daughter. No wonder you don't feel like your wife is not able to see anything good about your daughter -- and she sees you on your daughter's team, not hers.

If you want to avoid divorce, you and your wife have to be on the same "team." I'm glad you can see your daughter making progress. But you have to admit, it would be tough for your wife to see anything except how many days before she's out again!?!??!!

One more thing: you say you were frustrated because your wife wanted your daughter to empty the dishwasher. You say you were mad that she asked your daughter to do something that anyone else could do. Well. In my house, when a parent asks someone to do something, "why can't X do it?" is not an acceptable answer. Likewise, it's not a mature reaction in an adult. Can you imagine, if you were at a party with friends. and someone said to you, will you please empty the dishwasher -- if there was someone closer, would you say, "Why can't HE do it? He's closer?" For gosh sakes, your daughter is an adult, and you are trying to teach her to be mature. Your wife gave her an opportunity to show herself to be an adult by helping out. Your reaction was to defend her like a helpless baby. I'm sure that's hot helping at all! First, how is that teaching your child to be a fully-contributing adult? Second, how is that helping your daughter "prove" to your wife that she's changed and is no longer the lazy person you don't want your wife to think she is?

Just my thoughts.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I have never asked and I never will ask a guest to do anything at my house. My SD also moved in with me and it took an act of congress to get her out, but we did it. It was like living with the X wife everyday. She looks like the X, acts like the X and is just as nasty as the X. Somehow then nut always falls close to the tree. Those of us that deal with adult sks are in a category all by our selves so hopefully, that group will respond to your thread.
The second time SD asked to move in after graduating from college I put my foot down. Not going to happen baby doll, luckily for me BF supported me and we told her to go stay with her mom.

devil's advocate on this one. I never read anywhere in your post (though I may have missed it) where your daughter moving back in to your home was a joint decision by you AND your wife. If you didn't discuss this with her prior to BD moving in, I can REALLY understand your wife's position.

Secondly, I think it was Sparky who said that women are harder to forgive than men. I would agree with that. Being a SM myself, I think I find it much harder than my DH to forgive my SD17 when she acts like a complete ass. Your wife just may be having a harder time letting go. Also, at least from my standpoint, I find it harder to forgive SD particularly b/c she hurts DH. I can get over the things she does to me, but it is much harder when she is hurting DH and NOT feeling bad for it.

If your daughter IS truly trying and you arent just making excuses for her lack of motivation, then I think you should sit DW down and ask her what her thoughts on the whole thing are adn then listen to her suggestions, really listen.

A good quarter of my extended family is Filipino, and I know something about how family dynamics run in such a family. What StepAside said is true, family is everything to Filipinos, and they will do anything for family. Including newcomers to the family, as long as they are respectful. Pulling on personal experience, what your wife was doing when she called on your daughter to empty the dishwasher was probably 1. an attempt to bring her into the group, or at least into the same room, and 2. avoid asking a guest in her home to empty a dishwasher. If everyone is speaking tagalog, you usually just need to remind them you're in the room. We are often loud, to the point of being obnoxious, and often talking over each other. My dad was always mumbling about getting ear plugs. It's loud because everyone is there. A lone person hiding in their room would seem very odd and borderline rude. I'm just offering this as a possible insight from your wife's perspective.

As to everything else, I am curious about why she lost her job, her license, and her car. After losing her job I can understand her losing her car if she can't pay for it, but it takes a bit of effort to lose your license too. Is she trying to get a new job? Is she moving forward with her life or is she hiding from it? You said "What [your wife] really wants if for my daughter to start taking care of herself and for her to get a job and be productive." That doesn't seem overly critical to me. You want to shelter your daughter, of course you do, you are her father and that is only natural. But your daughter is now a grown woman who needs to learn to cope with the ups and downs of life that everyone faces. It is wonderful that you are able to offer her a haven while she recoups, but it should be a temporary haven until she gets back on her feet. Yes, she had a difficult childhood as a product of divorce, but that excuse will not carry her through life. Sure, therapy might help, but that is an ongoing process that will not be solved in time for her to get a job. You said she needs help, and she could probably use some. Help such as driving her to interviews or to a temp agency. Looking at school brochures with her. You need to be proactive. Allowing her to wallow in her frustration is only making things worse.

I think you do need to open up communication with your wife. If your daughter was disrespectful in the past that is not easy to forget or forgive. Clean slates do not happen very easily. If you can speak with your wife and let her know that you want to help your daughter move forward and would like her help doing so I think that would be a good starting place.

This is just my opinion, of course. I hope things work out for you all.