The right to choose
My oldest is almost 12yrs old and in the eyes of the court has the right to say which parent he chooses to live with. I haven't offered him this option and am considering it. I'm worried that if I let him choose that I'll somehow be seen as abandoning him or kicking him out.
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I think it's a LOT of
I think it's a LOT of pressure on a kid, for them to feel like they need to choose. I'd leave it alone. If he at some point says something about wanting to make a choice, I'd deal with it then.
^^^This^^^ Please carefully
^^^This^^^ Please carefully check the law in your state. It is rare that it actually states the child can choose and the court has to do it. Most say the child's wishes will be taken into consideration, but the judge has the final say. And most work on the "best interest of the child."
I always thought this would come into play when the parent's both want the child to live with them and can't agree. I don't think it would be wise to just make the offer to the child for no reason. I think it puts the child in a horrible place by making them choose who they want to live with. If things are going smoothly, why even bring it up?
in my state it's 14, when
in my state it's 14, when they can choose. the court will only rule against their choice if it under extreme circumstances.
Why is this coming up now?
Why is this coming up now? Has the child expressed an interest in living with his father?
I'm with Tommar - why is this coming up right now?
I think it totally depends on
I think it totally depends on the maturity of the child, my parents split when I was 4-5 years old, went through the whole court battles to have me turn around at 6 and say I wanted to live with my dad.
All parties discussed it with me, what was my reasoning etc. It stayed my want for a good time period and my mothers solicitor advised her that given the fact that I could clearly communicate my wants and those reasons behind it being justified that it might be in her best interest to work with my father rather than risk going through the courts again.
At that point my parents spoke at length and decided to let me move in with my father, neither side expected it to be a permanent thing, but it was. I moved in with my father and never went back.
Now, I was brought up by parents who believe in levels of independence for their child and information was never hidden from me, though some was given in the more age appropriate sugar coating.
Looking back do I think it was wrong of them? Not sure, they went through their split, went through hell with court battles to get an outcome to have their child turn around and tell them they were unhappy. At the end of the day my parents came to hate one another but they always wanted to try to protect me and ensure my happiness.
The problem with a child knowing this is you can end up with kids bouncing back and forth, my step fathers children all did that. They'd live with their mother for like 6 months and not see their dad at all, then theyd come on visit and never leave. For about 5 years they were bouncing back and forth, a few times my step father tried to put his foot down and then found out their mother had left them alone whilst she went on holiday with no food in the house and the boiler turned off. He'd take them, file for custody changes only to have her regain when she decided to return. Now SHE could play the system.
YOU know what type of person your son is, if he is expressing a want to live with his dad, or to be spending more or less time then sit down and ask him why. If hes got good reasons and not just "I get more toys" then try to reach out with his father and make something work. But if hes one that you could see bouncing between the two then dont bother.
A lot of times, boys do want
A lot of times, boys do want to live with their dad at some point but since your son has not brought it up, neither would I.
If he has made no mention of wanting to live with his dad, I wouldn't offer it because it will look like you want to get rid of him.