Guilt & resentment but also not?
New to all of this so not really up to date with all of the lingo. After 3 years I decided to reach out and see if I'm alone, after reading things I now don't feel so alone. Anyways....
For the last 3 years it has just been my spouse and I with occasional weekends and the occasional weekdays with his three kids from his first marriage. The kids live 10 minutes down the road, their mother doesn't work by choice and depends 100% on his child support when she is low on funds she will withhold the kids from seeing their father unless he buys what she wants/ needs. She is the full time care-giver because every time they go for a custody hearing they hold the fact that he is a Career Firefighter who has to work two departments to afford the child support ($1,800) against him.
It's always been nice to have them come over and spend time with us and I've never complained and have happily adjusted my schedule to accommodate them and go out of my way to make sure that every time we see them there is learning, hands on activities and that what-ever we do is memorable because we never know if their mother will withhold them from us again (longest spout was 5 months when she didnt even let him talk to the kids on the phone). It has always been a fluid adjustment with him due to working two Fire Schedules, my career schedule and random times with the kids with their ever changing schedules included, so I would say this has never been "a walk in the park." I chose him and I chose them.
This is where I start to feel guilty, as of late their mother has started seeing someone new and randomly calls him to "come get your kids" and we have had the kids for 2 days on and 1 day she has them (he has to work so she HAS to take them). This means that in the last few weeks, between his job and me being a CPA (yay tax extension) we have had a grand total of 2 hours alone together not counting time spent sleeping. That one night we DON'T have the kids, I spend it cleaning up the house.... He won't clean during the day because "well they will just mess it back up and he wants every moment with them not cleaning." Yes I understand this but I feel guilty for wanting time with him WITHOUT the kids, guilty for not wanting to constantly clean the mess of children that are not mine, and for our entire relationship Ive adjusted to be the spouse to a first responder... so I feel absolutely guilty that i'm no longer "excited" about seeing the kids.
To top it off, her leaving the kids with us more and more just "magically" started when we announced we were going to try for one of our own. It makes me feel like now I'm becoming a secondary figure in this life we've built up and makes me worry what will happen if we actually do get pregnant.
This is mostly a rant because I feel guilty. I did get with a man who had kids... but I got with a man who only had his kids SOMETIMES. (Previously I had avoided dating men with kids for this exact reason). We built a life together, not knowing when or how long we would have the kids and despite loving them I'm hating that all of a sudden a third party is dictating our lives and I feel so guilty for wanting the "us time" back. Has anyone else ever dealt with trying to start "our family" but having it dictated by the step kids mother? Bonus points if you come from a first responder home because well that adds in a whole new hurdle.
Am I being selfish for wanting the "us time?" Am I selfish for not wanting to be the only one to clean up after someone elses kids and to want some form of stability SOMEWHERE? Am I selfish for second guessing bringing another child into all of this even though all I've ever wanted was to be a m
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My DH served in the military,
My DH served in the military, so I get that added layer of hardship. It sucks.
However, he made damn sure to make time for US, especially in those early years. I may have helped with laundry now and then, but I never cleaned up their messes. That's the parent's job unless the kids are old enough (3 and up) to clean up their own messes.
Bm never dictated when we had our own child because my dh never LET her. Your BF has far more power in this situation than he's even bothered to use and bm being shitty is just an excuse.
You aren't selfish at all to be rethinking this entire situation. You are smart.
Your DH
He can still get a custody order that will hold the BM in contempt if she "withholds". Thats kind of the point of having them in the first place, is to prevent that kind of thing. Most courts want both parents to have a relationship with their children. But, Ive heard stories of courts not doing much more than a slap on the hand if BM withholds. Its almost like they still want to blame the father for being a "deadbeat dad".
Also, it is very common for things to be more flexible when the bio parent starts dating. I used to see that happen, when Bm starts dating someone new, we start taking kids more, and at odd days. Im 6 years in this, and over time things smoothed out. We went from a 2 day on/off schedule to a 5 day on/off schedule and are now on a week on/off schedule.
Either hire a cleaning person or get the kids involved. Its best for them anyway to learn household cleaning tasks.
I dont think that you are selfish, but more naive about what stepparenting 3 skids and getting into a relationship with a bio parent entails.
NONE of us really knew what we were "signing up for". Dont let anyone tell you this without speaking up about the fact that no one can possibly know what is in store. Randome custody schedules. Toxic BM drama. Bio parents that want to be the Disney Parent (the fun one with no chores or bedtimes).
I understand that as someone who is on a full schedule and a first responder (Im in California and we consider fire fighters to be heroes out here...) but he still needs to parent his children. Perhaps use the cleaning and household tasks as a bonding time.
You are not selfish
I hope you won't feel selfish or guilty about having negative feelings about some aspects of steplife. It is good that you are in touch with your feelings. You sound like you 've done whatever you can to make the experience positive for all.
I agree with the other posters that something should happen to firm up his rights. The younger posters here on ST will know what's best, firming up the CO, husband taking a stronger line with BM, etc
To me, what I'm hearing is that it is a chaotic situation with a wildly fluctuating schedule. No wonder you are frustrated. Of course you want one-on-one time with DH. I'd think hard, myself, about what would calm things down, more defined visitation, kids taking on more clean up, or whatever. Then have a long talk with your DH and see if the two of you can come up with a plan.
That time alone with DH is crucial. When I went to counseling 40+ years ago when near to separation over the chaos of 5 kids, my counselor told me to schedule more time with my DH. When I made excuses, he said, "I don't care if all you do is take a walk each evening, do it". Good luck!
So are you saying everytime
So are you saying everytime they go for a custody order the courts won't grant one because he's a career firefighter? That seems absurd.
Yeah, this can't be the full
Yeah, this can't be the full story. My DH got standard EOWE and EOW in the summers even through DEPLOYMENT. Being a firefighter isn't a reason to be denied custody.
It is insane and infuriating.
It is insane and infuriating. But her lawyer point out that he is only home for 24ish hours at a time and the judges then look at her schedule that she is available to them 24/7. Usually it's brought up at some point that she left him due to "emotional neglect" and she pulls out the tears saying she doesnt want to subject her children to that. He started working the 2nd station because of her spending habbits driving them into the negative bank accounts the last 6 months they lived together so that upped his pay (upping child support) and upped the time away from the house that she used to claim the neglect when she left.
*They only have had 2 custody hearings at this point, they were supposed to have another day in court back in February when Covid started so that's contributed to the massive delay and I've not brought up if/when the rescheduling will be in the last few months*
Wait so are they still
Wait so are they still married? Or this is just for custody issues? If he was smart he should quit one of the jobs and state that he did this so that he can be more available to his children, this should also help drive his CS down.
This particular issue is
This particular issue is custody issues. Sadly if he quits one job then he cant afford the child support and that opens a whole new can of worms. He has reduced his time as much as possible but sadly COVID has meant MASSIVE OT, so if he pushes for anything with cs now they will up how much he owes. Sadly even with a full time job my paycheck doesnt even equil half of one of his.
I find that strange. I was
I find that strange. I was under the impression that CS should not be more than a certain percentage of a NCP"s salary, certainly less than 50%. When was the last time you ran your numbers through your state's CS calculator?