Late Night Thoughts/Conviction
So I'm doing my casual late-night Facebook scrolling when I see a post by someone I don't know. I'm one of those people that unless I've met you, I will not accept your friend request. So I clicked on the profile to figure out who it was. It turns out that it's SS's grandmother (BMs mom). I'm not sure when or how we became fb friends, but curiosity got the better of me and I started scrolling down her feed. She doesn't post much and everything she does post is about SS, but most of her stuff was from 4 years ago back when SS was just a baby.
There were some videos. The more recent ones had SS in them and he was being the terror I know him to be. Yelling and screaming, throwing things, just being obnoxious. But the further down I scrolled, the smaller he got until I found myself watching videos of him saying his first words and learning to crawl. I saw pictures of him the day he came home from the hospital. He was so small. I got a lump in my throat and I felt like crying. I felt so ashamed and convicted for how I've thought of him and how cold I've been towards him. I know he's not that sweet innocent baby anymore and is now so spoiled and disrespectful, but it just struck a chord seeing SS as a baby and watching him struggling to crawl. Maybe it's the postpartum hormones. I just had my daughter a month ago and she's just a little thing like he was (well not that little. Shes only 6 weeks old and is already 10.5 lbs!)
Anyway, I've always looked at him as a nuisance who's standing in the way of me having the life I want with DH. I've never put myself in BM's shoes or even looked at this through a mother's perspective. I've also never thought about how SS never asked for any of this. He was born innocent and is now the way that he is because of the adults in his life. **sidenote--DH was not around during the time SS was a baby. DH didnt know SS was his until SS was 17 months old bc/BM told him it was someone else's.
I don't think I have a point; this is just a vent session. But maybe I was supposed to see those pictures and videos. I've been praying about it a lot lately because I have felt so guilty for not liking SS. So maybe during his next visit in 2 weeks I'll be able to approach him a little more warmly. Maybe I'll start looking at him in a more human way instead of with resentment. Maybe. We'll see.