Yep Jam is right. I've been there, done that and we are making steps at improvements. I met my dh when my ss was around the same age as you and I thought the same stupid thing-no problems blending as he is so young (as he was even cute then!). I had no clue what I was in for. Things started out ok-but as ss got a little older (around 4) it became apparent that the kid had some behavioral issues. Well, of course I stepped in and parented just like I did my own (I also brought two kids to the marriage-one 7 months older than ss and one 13 months younger). Except, I couldnt parent exactly as I did my own as my kids would never think to do some of the things that my ss did. So I just parented as I thought I would if one of my own kids did something of that nature.

It's all the same as your story, the guilty daddy. Guilty because he thinks bm is a POS (she's not great, but not horrible either), guilty because I dont tolerate and put up with his behavior like he does, guilty because he knows that ss has problems and issues but he doesnt want to admit it. My ss is 13 now and I've grown to dislike him more and more each day. My kids (the first two as well as one we went on to have together)dont want anything to do with him-he's done some really vile things to them. SS is no longer even visiting in our house. That's what we are trying now. I told dh I tried it his way for YEARS-just sucked it up and dealt with it, encouraged my kids to suck it up and deal with it-and it only made things worse. It's almost cost us our marriage and that now he owes it to me to try it my way. He refused to give this kid consequences for years and now I am sure the kid has a reserved spot at the local juvenile detention-I hope that dh finally realizes that we've reached the critical point-HE is going to end up losing his wife and other 3 kids and ss is going to end up in jail somewhere because he still has never learned to control his behavior.

We are jsut getting ready to start this arrangement so I will have to let you know how it goes.

I have alot of the same problems you do only my skids are a little older (12 and 13) so not quite as needy or misbehaved. I have always harbored some resentment for skids because their mother's are just plain white trash, always have their hands out for something, always causing drama and unfortunately for me it has worn on me and I find that in my circular reasoning I have laid blame on the skids (i.e if it weren't for skids we wouldn't have to deal with these bitches) Is this wrong? Yes! and I KNOW it is, but I can't help the way I feel.

I have also found that since having BS1 that my resentment for skids has grown 10 thousand fold and my DH has noticed. I do as you, pretty much hide or leave when skids are there. I say hi to them, speak to them if they speak to me, but other than that I could care less about their existance. I feel like their presence takes away from my BS, I get ticked whenever DH buys something for skids because their scumbag mothers won't and BS gets nothing because (wait.. get this!) I take care of my BS' needs, I don't expect that everybody else will. I feel like DH caters to skids when they are with us and BS takes a back seat and I have seriously grown to HATE it when skids are there.. it actually makes me angry! It also makes me feel terrible, and I am actually going to start counseling soon, because I don't want to be this person... I just don't know how to fix it.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate and understand what you are going through.

I know what you are going through - for the most part. mt FSS3 is just like that. throws fits and the whole 9 yards. BM doesn't correct him at all. I told BF once that his sons were rude little brats and he agreed but didn't know what to do.

You just have to lay down some ground rules. I tried to potty train FSS3 for a month but then realized that I was the one doing all the work, BF was not helping so now at 5 or whenever BF gets home I am off duty. Either BF take him potty or BF changes his diaper.

And FSS3 had issues with hitting and pulling on people when he got mad so one day I hit back (not hard of course just enough to say hey that hurts) Also when FSS3 throws a fit I tell him to go to his room and he does. fit throwing is less affective if you can't see it.

You have the right to be comfortable in your own home. I would talk to DH about setting up some ground rules.

I was too the dumb a$$ stepmom who thought I will just parent these skids like my own and give them all the same things....and we will be one big happy family.......GAG! looking back i see what a dumb a$$ I was!!!!!
Often I told DH that HE needed to step up and TEACH SD13 (then SD3) rules and that she should feel ashamed of hurting others...how to feel for others NOT just herself...how to behave and not lie.....how to have responsabilities...all the "normal" life skills...AND so did the therapist we were taking her too.....THEY totally backed ME!!! Answer from DH: GUILTY PARENT with head up the butt of BM!!!!!!!!!!(and SD could do no wrong...although her own siblings have told dad she is a brat and is mean!!)

NOW DH is dealig with a hurt family, a failing marriage, a VERY unhappy wife AND a TOTAL OUT OF CONTROL BRATTTTTT of a selfish daughter.....PLUS he has no clue how to parent her!!!! It is just plain out sickening!!!!!! I have given so much of myself, time, money, emotions and I have been phsyically ill over her B/S (mild heart attack '09 due to excessive stress releated to step daughter's issues and I have dr's note too!lol!) DH can't get it through his thick head that I am not the problem that HE is!!!!!
Please get some parenting books and try an approach that may help with a reward system for his behavior (it will work for your bio's too) and GET DH in the same boat as you!!!!!!!! Having DH's total support is KEY...it really can be done....better now when ss is 6 and still moldable...NOT when he is an out of control teen! Good Luck it wont be easy but living like this is no party....Make it a priority it have a happy life...
BTW late potty issues seems to be a consistant problem with Skids with little bio parent structure!!!! HUMMMMM....is it just me or is there a pattern of this???....my Sd13 still uses potty issues when she doesnt get her way!!!!!!

Wow reading all this sure hits home. Am having trouble with 11 year old ss as he just came back to try living with us a week ago out of Forster care, as his bio mom can't care for him which i have issues with as she plays the poor me act. It has been so stressful in our home. We have 2 girls with us one his and one mine and they don't even want the ss there.He did mess up big time and it is hard for me and the girls too look pass it but some how we have to give a try and I feel am walking on eggshell. It is nuts for sure. Am trying to look pass what happen and give it a shot but wow it is hard. My bf is I think having hard time as well he knows we are not comfortable with the his son there but he wants to try. The thing I hate is the house was peaceful and quiet before the ss came back he ends up in fights with his dad and more am starting to feel the distance and stress with my bf now cause of this kid. I did print stuff off line and reading a book hoping it helps deal with it. The dad is getting counselor for the ss hope it helps. But it is hard to deal with guess more of us in this position then I though helps to talk about it a bit. This is a bit of advice i got today
(you might have to think I have to let it go and if in the end he screws up it will on his part and you will have tried on yours. So brush it off as much as it will kill you to do that. You have to try and look the part because if ss sees that it still bothers you he will play on that. Don't give him the benefit of winning. I know that its hard but you might not have a choice to try this way.) Good luck everyone