So I've disengaged
Sorry this is going to be long, but I'm really pissed off. I have finally had it. When FH and I got together we lived in separate states. I moved to his state because he has 2 little boys and he wanted to have custody of them and still be close enough so that they could see their BM. My "daughter" (ExBFD) was all grown up so it wasn't that she needed me all the time, but it was still very hard because we are close and she would spend weekends with me and we'd do "mom" and "daughter" things.
So here we are 2 years later and things are the same as they were before I moved here. He's always had custody of his youngest son, but made it a point that he wanted custody of his oldest because the stuff going on at BM and her parents' house was really volatile. When we were deciding where to live, in my state or his, I told him that if we lived in my state and he had custody of his youngest then we could have him spend summers with his BM and switch holidays with both kids. Plus I would still be in ExBFD life. He said he really wanted to get custody and live in his state. I gave up friends, family and my way of life to move here and things haven't changed.
We got in another fight about his OS the other night because last time OS came here (after his half of the summer with his BM - they split the summers) his hair hadn't been cut since we cut it, his clothes were filthy and his gums bled when we made him brush his teeth. I told FH "Nothing is changing at BMs so you NEED to get custody". Oh and when YS came back from his summer retreat at BMs, his hair hadn't been cut, his nails were super long and packed with dirt, his ears were packed with dirt, when we went to put him in the bath his whole body was covered in dirt and his gums bled badly when he brushed them. I asked him if he brushed his teeth that morning and he said he can't brush his teeth at mom's house because he can't reach the sink!! Anyway, back to the fight... FH says "things aren't as bad as you make them out to be. And I don't want to just yank OS out of there. I want him to feel like he has a say where he lives." So FH has BM ask OS where he wants to live and of course it's BM's house (I was seriously mad they would do that. What the hell is the kid supposed to say to his mom even if he did want to live with his dad??). OS is 12 and of course he's going to say he wants to live at BM's because she doesn't make him do anything. He has no rules, no boundaries at all (she frequently discusses her adult matters with OS... as OS says "I'm mom's therapist"), no discipline and seriously just sits in front of the TV all day and night. Then FH had the audacity to say "When OS is here he's getting to see a healthy family. You are a great mother figure for him and his BM is just lazy, nothing I can do about it." Umm EXCUSE ME?!?! Since she's lazy, it's my responsibility to show him a healthy mother figure? Yeah, I have rules, there's discipline and definitely boundaries, but to just say that she's off the hook because she's lazy. That seriously pissed me off.
On top of it all, we've gotten YS in a bunch of special programs because he's behind in his speech. We also have him in Montessori school because it was suggested by a therapist as a way that he might be able to learn easier (it is amazing how his speech has progressed since he's been there). That school costs $300 a month and WE pay for it. BM said "ehh, he's fine with public school". So yeah, I have to pick up her half because she doesn't give a shit.
I thought over the decision for days but finally realized, it's not my responsibility to be a "mother figure" to these kids. I really want to help these kids but their parents aren't going to do what is in their best interest so why am I? I told FH the deal and he got super upset and said I was breaking his heart not wanting to be involved in his kids' lives. I explained again that he chose this by expecting me to be the "mom figure" and not holding BM to the same standard and the fact that he didn't follow through on our deal that I move so he could get custody. At this point I'm not even sure he's going to be my FH anymore.
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Comments
Your FH should want what's
Your FH should want what's best for his kids and that is obviously for you guys to have custody. Good luck. You sound like a nice, reponsible, caring person.
What happens if he doesn't
What happens if he doesn't get custody? Most BD's don't even though the BM is not worth a crap. Then what would you do?
That's a definite
That's a definite possibility, but at least he should try. He hasn't even done that and his excuses are really thin as to why he hasn't.
A little back story on the household. When I first moved here there was serious drug use in BM's household by her father (she lived with her parents). FH told her either she moves out or he takes custody, so she said she was going to move. He gives her the benefit of the doubt. 6 months later, she's still there with excuse after excuse. Then there was domestic violence between the grandfather and grandmother in front of OS. They actually moved out... for a MONTH! The grandfather STALKED them! He'd park across the street at where they were staying and just watch them. OS was so hurt and upset he sent a text to his grandfather saying "F*** You!". The grandfather says he going to stop doing drugs and they all move back in together. I was just completely and utterly flabbergasted. :jawdrop:
The DD says OS can't live there because of the grandfather. FH threatens her with that, she says she's going to move again on X date. He gives her ANOTHER chance. X date passes and she's still there. FH takes no action and excuses her with "she's really broke. She can't move". We fought over and over again about it and I told him that I couldn't just stand by while all this happened and that I would call cps (at that time OS had 2 completely rotten teeth where only one side of the tooth was still there and BM just kept "forgetting" to get him dental insurance - we ended up getting his teeth taken care of). He threatens her again with going to court, so she moves into a trailer on the same property, like 10 feet from the same household. Umm... that's "moving"??? FH feels that that is a good compromise! Are you kidding me?!?! FH also believes that the grandfather is sober because BM tells him he is. I keep asking "How can you be sure? She's definitely not going to tell you if he isn't sober because you will try for custody." FH says, "I can tell when she's lying". Even if he IS sober after all he's done is that really the place you want your kid, not to mention that we see constantly that the kids are not taken care of when in her custody?
So in the end he's too weak to actually take the actions he keeps threatening her with and because she can't bother to be a good parent he EXPECTS me to be one so that his kids have a good role model. He constantly says that I'm the best "mom figure" those kids have and that BM is never going to change and he can't force her to. I say he can either force her OR do everything in his power to give BOTH those kids a better life by trying for custody, but I don't see him trying hard enough. THAT'S my issue. I'm disengaging because BOTH of these parents need to get their crap together and it's too easy for them not to if I'm doing all the "hard" stuff. And if he's this weak with his kids with her, how is he going to be if we get married and have kids? It's really depressing.