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Possibly an Unusual Step Parenting Situation

amandarm26's picture

My situation may not be very typical and sometimes it concerns me. My husband has primary custody so my 13 year old step son lives with us primarily. He goes to see his mother on the weekends, but of course both sides are flexible. I have been married for 3 1/2 years and get along withmy husband's ex very well (they have been divorced for like 12 years and she is married and has 2 other kids).

My role with my step son is just as active as his father. I love and treat him as if he is my own. My husband works a lot so I am the "mommy figure" for him the majority of the time. I pack his lunches, take him to Basketball practice, pick him up from practice, make sure he does his chores, deal with his grades and homework, go to parent teacher conferences, and so on. He respects and loves me very much and truly values my opinions. It really upsets him if he dissappoints me or if I get after him for something.

I love my role and I love my relationship with my step son but it does concern me a bit. I wonder if this is healthy for him. I wonder if it is healthy for him to see me in this role, but not his own mother. I find it very sad that his mother isn't actively involved in his life. I feel like he should have his biological mother just as involved. I mean he had his first game of the basketball season and his mother couldn't go and he didin't even seem to care. He was just happy that his father and I were there.

I guess I am just wondering if anyone has a similar situation to me. Will this affect him in any way as he continues to get older? Am I doing the right thing by being such an active part of his life?


RedWingsFan's picture

I think it's amazing and wonderful that you've taken such an active role in your SS's life! I wish I could've done the same with SD14 but she rejected me from day one since she's so hung up on her parents reconciling.

Anyhow, I don't have a similar situation obviously, but if everyone's getting along, the stepson is respecting and loving you as a mother figure, DH is on board, BM is on board - why change anything? If it's working well for you, don't fix it right? I can't see how being a positive role model in this boy's life could ever harm him in any way and boy do I wish I could say I have the same relationship with my SD as you have with your SS.

Congrats on what sounds like the perfect blended family!

amandarm26's picture

Thanks that is very reassuring! I guess what I am also wondering is if his mother's lack of involvement will hurt him in any way? She devotes her time to her other 2 younger children but sometimes it seems that my step son doesn't get the same devotion. I don't ever want him to feel sad or feel a lack of love in any way.

RedWingsFan's picture

You can't control what his mother does, so please don't allow this to affect the way you are with him. You're showing him what a true mother is like. He'll only benefit from that. It's his prerogative to take it up with his mother if he's feeling neglected or slighted by her.

Unfreakingreal's picture

You are absolutely doing the right thing and I commend you for it. If BM was more involved you might not have such a good relationship with him. Don't change a thing and let sleeping dogs lie. Don't worry about things that aren't an issue.

amandarm26's picture

Thanks everyone and I have absolutely no intention of changing anything. I will just always wish that his BM was more involved. I am truly blessed myself to have such a wonderful step son and I truly love being actively involved in his life.

StickAFork's picture

I was in your shoes for many years with my SD. Her BM didn't even see her every weekend... it was (if she felt like it) 48 hours a month. Sad

SD and I had and continue to have a very close, loving relationship and she is 22. She is still struggling to have a decent relationship with her mom, but they are mostly trying. (Her father is now MIA, so she has been trying to connect with *A* parent.)

I have no regrets.

Just two days ago, we spoke and ended the conversation with "I love you."

Were there times I think she may have wished it was her mom doing the "mom stuff?" Sure, I think so, and I think that's normal. I mean, I bought her first bras, her first dress for a dance, taught her to drive, etc.

hismineandours's picture

I was in a similar situatin and i dont mean to be a voice of negativity but it turned out horribly for me. I met my ss when he was just turning two. Dh had full custody,bm eowe. Dh worked out of town often. I did everything for the kid that i did for my own kids. It seemed ok at first. He seemed to love me and care for me and I felt that we had a bond. By age 6-he started becoming very oppositional, having lots of tantrums, doing weird things. By age 9, he was blatantly telling me he hated me, had hated me for years, but had no reason why. Also at 9, he had a detailed plan to murder my son. At 9, he went back to live with his bm where he remained until she kicked him out at 13 for growing weed in her yard. At 14, he moved back in and stole mine and my dd15s panties. He lives with my inlaws now, 15 minutes away. I've not spoken to him in 6 months, the day he moved out. My dh has spoken to him once in the last 3 months.

I really feel that he grew to resent me because I was doing all the parental things with the kids instead of his own parents-they both did some things with and for him, but it was primarily me. I was a good stepparent to him, but I wasnt HIS parent and ultimately I think it pissed him off and he also really grew to resent MY kids who obviously had their REAL mother parenting them everyday. He was angry at his parents for not doing more with/for him, and it was far easier to take it out on me than on them.

The kid now has no real attachement to anyone. Last I heard, his bm was not speaking to him and had "washed her hands" of him. Dh is willing to see him and speak to him, but he is not interested.

imjustthemaid's picture

I married DH when SD was 10. He has full custody and no visitation for BM because she is a loser. Since I married him I quit my job to be a SAHM (I have a DD10 and together we have BD4.) I have basically been SD's mother for the last 6 years. I take her to dr appts, haircuts, shopping, drive her all around town, help her with school work, go to school functions for her. She does not appreciate anything I do for her. She would see BM here and there but BM really couldn't be bothered with her at all.

This past summer BM decides she needs a friend and who better than SD16!! Now SD sticks up for her mother like she is MOTY. This is a woman who spends 7 nights a week at the bar, brings home strange men, is a drug addict, has never done a damn thing for her daughter at all. I tried but SD is just too jealous of me and the kids to see past it. She is a mean, selfish, greedy kid.

She resented me for trying to be her parent. I tried to treat her like I treat the other kids. Now I do as little as possible for her. I don't tell her to clean her room or do homework. I give up!