SD/adopted child dynamic
My husband has a 21 yr old daughter. When she was younger (from about 8-13), she was close to us and enjoyed spending time at our house. BM has always been extremely overly controlling and made things miserable for SD if she showed any signs of enjoying being with us. BM would threaten to not let her see her 1/2 siblings if she attended functions with us, etc. BM is VERY vindictive. As SD got older, we could see her pull away out of fear of her mother's retaliations. BM would contact her friends parents and try to bash us schedule whatever events she could on our time. Over time, SD quit telling my husband about functions at school, which he always used to attend. We believe her mom made things very difficult for her- she would barely say hello to her dad after the functions. As for her senior year in high school, my husband was basically excluded. She received awards at 2 different banquets that my husband found out about each a week after the events. Her mom pushes her step-dad to be the "father figure" at these events, even though my husband is an amazing, normally very involved father. SD hasn't been to visit at our house in 3 1/2 years, although she talks to DH on the phone and says she wants to come around more and "be part of the family". She just never shows up. Or she makes my husband believe they will meet or spend time together and something always seems to come up.
My dilemma is that we have a 6 year old adopted child. He knew her as his sister when he was about 2-3. Since he's had no contact with her since then, he doesn't realize her role in the family. He says he has 1 sister and 1 brother (my bio children). I know DH wants her around more, so I've considered trying to reach out to her. Since she doesn't come around and doesn't call, I've asked DH to ask her that if she comes, to please not tell our adopted son right away that she is his "sister". I feel he will have a lot of questions about his being adopted and who belongs in his life in what way. Once I know SD will make attempts to have a relationship, I have no issue with it. I just don't want her to pop in one day, tell him this, and disappear again. I don't want him feeling that she walked out because of him-I'm sure he will have some normal similar feeling towards his birth mom.
Again, I'm not against her being in his life- I just want to be sure there will be some effort before she tells him things that may confuse him. DH sees no problem with it. Am I asking too much??
Actually, yes, there are
Actually, yes, there are several photos. He knows her name, but still doesn't associate the name with the photos in the house-he just doesn't ask. And as far as talking about her, we do, but it's very hurtful to my husband so he doesn't like to discuss it much. For example: he talked to her 2 weeks ago and she said she was staying in her college town for the holidays, until Christmas Eve, because she got a new job. We live in a very small community, and 2 days later, her car showed up at her mom's house. My husband feels she has to be ready for a relationship with him- she told him she wouldn't be in town for a reason, whatever it was.
I'm not saying that I don't want them to have a relationship....I do. He used to ask a lot about her when she quit coming around when he was smaller and why she quit coming. I'm all for more family- my child's biological family is all involved in his life as well. I just don't want my son feeling like it's fault if she decides to not come around again-Her mom's house is on a major road, so he would ask why every time we passed for months. No one wants to see their child hurting :O
Actually, yes, there are
Actually, yes, there are several photos. He knows her name, but still doesn't associate the name with the photos in the house-he just doesn't ask. And as far as talking about her, we do, but it's very hurtful to my husband so he doesn't like to discuss it much. For example: he talked to her 2 weeks ago and she said she was staying in her college town for the holidays, until Christmas Eve, because she got a new job. We live in a very small community, and 2 days later, her car showed up at her mom's house. My husband feels she has to be ready for a relationship with him- she told him she wouldn't be in town for a reason, whatever it was.
I'm not saying that I don't want them to have a relationship....I do. He used to ask a lot about her when she quit coming around when he was smaller and why she quit coming. I'm all for more family- my child's biological family is all involved in his life as well. I just don't want my son feeling like it's fault if she decides to not come around again-Her mom's house is on a major road, so he would ask why every time we passed for months. No one wants to see their child hurting :O
Don't sweat it. Siblings
Don't sweat it. Siblings come and go, no big deal. Tell the kid the truth. It'll be easier all the way round. And for god sake don't put the thought in his head by telling him he's not the reason she doesn't come around. If he asks tell him you don't know.
Yes you are asking for too
Yes you are asking for too much. The dynamic with SD was in place before you adopted your son. SD is an adult and it's normal for an adult child to be sporadically involved in their younger siblings lives. Shielding him from his sister will only cause more harm and confusion.
I would start talking to him about her now, show him photos of her now and when she was younger. Tell positive stories about her and what she's studying in college. She can be someone for him to look up to. A cool successful older sister in college.
Secrets only breed resentment.
^^^THIS^^^ The only thing
^^^THIS^^^ The only thing that secrecy will accomplish is confusion and misunderstanding. As an adopted child, he will have enough questions and 'mysteries' to figure out without adding another one into the mix. He needs as much 'gentle' honesty as you can provide.
I'm sorry.... but why are you
I'm sorry.... but why are you placing this failed relationship on SD? On one hand you say DH missed major school events and ceremonies, and on the other you say he "is normally a very involved parent".
No. It can't be both ways. An INVOLVED father would call the school, find out what clubs and extracurriculars his daughter participated in and attend EVEN IF she failed to tell him herself, because that is what parents do. A GOOD FATHER would know his child was receiving honors, and would be there, even if SD failed to invite him.
Lets be honest- he was a (less than)half involved Dad who only did as much as SD was willing to extend to him. He never held up his half of the bargain, which was extending to her as well. And now you want to blame a failed parental relationship on THE CHILD???? Come on!!!! He was the adult! HE is the one who failed, not her!
No wonder she keeps her distance. I would too.
Because I didn't want to
Because I didn't want to write a book here, maybe I wasn't completely clear. First, let me say, I don't blame my SD for the problems with their relationship. As far as her activities in HS, my husband went to meet all of her teachers and brought self addressed stamped envelopes to all of them asking for progress reports, report cards, flyers with event info, etc to be mailed. He checked the school website regularly. He did attend school events, and SD would would barely say hello and look uncomfortable doing so. The banquets I mentioned were both events that had nothing to do with school, so my husband had no way of knowing about them without being told/invited.
Most of the phone calls are a result of birthdays or holiday wishes that end in empty promises.
I didn't come here to bash my SD. I wanted some truthful advice on how to handle things with the relationship, or lack thereof, with her and my 6 year old. I want them to have a positive relationship when the time is right. I was just concerned since he asked why she didn't come around the last time she quit coming.
Thank you!!
Thank you!!