Advice? Anyone?
Oh such a story.... Ok. I have Myknown my husband since Jr. High. He was so cool. I liked him a lot. After High School, he left for the military and we lost touch.
He has been married now 3 times. I'm the 3rd.
His 1st is the mother of his children. She has some diagnosed mental health issues that she is on medication for... When she feels like she needs them... Because "really... she's fine... The doctor says she's all better and she feels stable so she doesn't need them anymore". My husband served in the military when he was married to her. He gained custody while still serving because she's just that... unhealthy (because coo coo bananas isn't a polite way to talk about someone's mental illness). But he was still serving. So the children (3 of them. 3! Why for the love of all things holy you KEEP GOING when you are unhappy with a person who makes you so miserable that you can't wait to go back to war... I will never understand. And 3 is such a selfish number when you know you don't intend to stick around and make a marriage work. It leave 0 room for any relationship after to really thrive.) were raised by their mother while he was deployed. From what I understand is that her parenting method is very... Lord of the Flies. So you have 3 damaged kids, a mentally unstable mother, and a father with LARGE amounts of daddy guilt. Divorce eventually happened.
Enter wife number 2. Never wanted kids. Also military. Is abusive toward the kids. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Somehow, this managed to last 4 years during which time both father and 2nd wife retired from the military. And SOMEHOW, someone thought moving the mother into the home to be with the kids would solve the issue of this new wife not wanting kids and being awful. So now you have children that are even more damaged and a sister-wife looking situation that is probably the least healthy thing I've ever heard of. But the mother and the new wife are "besties" (who super hate each other behind their backs. Like still... to this day... they keep in contact and are bff who talk hatefully about each other behind backs. I'm sorry, but someone that abuses my kids is more likely to wind up in my trunk than on my bar tab. And what kind of deranged, messed up mindset do you have to have to keep that kind of unhealthy "friendship". Ew.) and everything was "great"... or something. Finally after the 4 years of whatever you call that mess, that ended in divorce.
Enter wife number 3. Me. We got back in touch, started dating. He lived in a different state so he would come visit me a lot. I knew he had kids. I have 1 of my own. I knew the basics. I had no idea just how deep the rabbit hole went though. I didn't think I needed AAALLLLLLL the details. Then I met his kids. They were kids. They had just been in a rough situation and needed something stable and healthy. I love their dad. He moved the kids into a new house which was local, then moved down their mother, because she was their mom. The plan was to get her set up there, then he'd move out to his own place, then he'd move the kids in with him when he got stable. This was in process. Then... The mother got jealous. I had healthy boundaries, which was "so un-inclusionary" and "hateful". She actively tried to break up our relationship. When she finally realized that it wasn't going to work, she attempted suicide... with the oldest child in the house with her. Luckily she had thrown a huge fit so that the father/my now husband would get worried about his son being around her in her then current state and knew that he would go get him... Luckily. Luckily, he went in the house when she didn't answer the door and found her. Luckily. This fast tracked everything for us. Him and the kids all moved in with me because he didn't have time to carry out his step by step plan. We got a bigger house, I got the kids into therapy and made sure they had nice things, we made an effort to do a lot of family things to start giving them something more healthy. Things got difficult. I had to file harassment against the mother. After she posted my name and number in a very descriptive "call for a good time" on fliers around town, keyed my car, and showed up on my lawn at 2am being hysterical (but don't worry "she would never actually harm anyone but herself" says my husband). And the kids got more difficult. But they're kids. Kids that got handed some bad situations. You can't hate kids for something that isn't their fault. Right? And their dad... He didn't know how to parent. He's been military their whole lives. So I helped him find healthy boundaries with the childrens' mother and put house rules and expectations down that were easy to be consistent with and I encouraged him to be more present... I had it in the bag. Right? I thought so.
Skip forward a couple years. Well... The kids are awful.
The oldest (18) is a mouth breather who reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite. Has no drive or willpower or goals. Couldn't pass high school and uses every crutch he can find to add to his victim card closet to manipulate anyone he can. He just became a legal adult. Because he has made ZERO effort in life, he now, after 3 years of giving everything I had to give, lives back at his mom's.
The middle (16) harms himself and breaks things. But he's his dad's favorite because he is the most manageable. So he's pretty much untouchable.
The youngest (12)... I just can't. She displays all the characteristics of her mother's mental illnesses. She has leached onto my son, seeks attention however she can get it at home and especially at school, lies... OMG the lies and manipulation... and boy, does she know how to act like a kicked puppy when it suits her needs. And she's his youngest. And the only girl.
Did I mention the daddy guilt from being in the military yet?
I have a son (11). He misses when it was just me and him. It's very difficult not to sympathize with those feelings.
He likes the other kids to a degree. He plays well with the younger 2. But he also recognizes their damage. The middle plays too rough and gets angry too easily and uses put downs regularly. And the youngest is suffocating. She has no sense of self at all and latches on to his likes and friends and anything that defines him as hers (What?! She likes it because SHE likes it! How dare I imply otherwise.)
Since I've come into the picture 4 years ago now, there have been drastic improvements. The children's behaviors as described above my are post improvement. Not to toot my own horn or anything. My husband is more present with his kids, we have structure in our home and everyone knows what their expectations are, the childrens' mother has been given consistent boundaries for long enough that she follows them. I should be happy about all of this. I kind of just feel resentful for missing time with my son to fix what i had no business fixing.
My husband is grateful for what I've done. He tells me that I've given his kids more than anyone. He openly adds that this statement includes himself. The kids respect and understand that I look out for their best interests and make judgement calls that are fair and reasonable even if not in their favor. They don't love me. The youngest one says she does, but she doesn't. And that's ok. I don't need them to. They are allowed not to. I don't love them. I LOVE my husband. I don't love his kids. I take care of them as I would and do my own, but I don't love them. And I think that's ok too. I don't think it's a point my husband would understand. Honestly... I don't even like them. But I take good care of them.
It's gotten more difficult recently. We accidentally got pregnant. My birth control failed. The will of the universe I suppose. So my patience has grown even thinner and the energy I have to give is completely depleted. My resentment for having to fix them, teach him how to parent and set boundaries, and missed time with my own son has grown. A LOT. It shows in my actions. I know it does. So I've been asking him to step in with his kids even more. Allow me to disengage a little for my own sanity. He's not the best at paying attention. The TV will usually take over. So I get mad. I try to redirect him. Which offends him. So I try to correct behavior, but I have no patience for it right now so I'm a little more blunt than I should be and definitely not as sympathetic. The kids have picked up on this. His youngest has started using it to her advantage. Now my husband scolds me in front of her when I speak too abrasively. Which causes fights. He tells me that I need to take my son off of his pedestal because he's not perfect either and stop treating his kids differently than my own. Which REALLY gets under my skin... because 1) how DARE he after everything I've done... I don't need a cookie, but how DARE he ...and 2) his kids have experienced trauma that my son hasn't experienced... It's not a "my son is better that your kids" thing... even though he just IS better... maybe Less Difficult would be easier to swallow?.
Anyway, the fights are happening more and more. I've completely disengaged from his kids. I've even secretly looked at 2 bedroom homes. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husband. But I don't know how much longer I can go on with this resentment and dislike. I've tried talking to him. He just gets defensive. He's trying real hard to be a good dad... Now. And I respect that that means putting your kids first. I just..... I don't know what to do. Leave? Are there other options? Am I the one who is being ridiculous... I mean... I really don't think so, but I'm open to the idea that ridiculous people don't necessarily know that they are ridiculous.
I could use some advice.
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I have also looked for my own
I have also looked for my own place due to the exhaustion and frustrations that step-life brings. It sounds like your SD12 is exactly like my SD9. She has signs of mental illness (which runs in her family), she is attention-seeking, dishonest, and manipulative. She is a pro at throwing pity parties for herself, too. The worst part is that she lives with us full-time and her BM stays away as much as possible. You are not being ridiculous at all. I can hardly stand staying and I only have one step-child to deal with while you have three. I wish I had advice, but I don't. I have no intention of staying in my relationship if SD continues down the path that she is on. She only gets worse as time goes by, so walking away is going to be the best option for me... and maybe it's the best option for you, too. You'll figure it all out. Keep your head up!
I appreciate knowing I'm not
I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this even if you don't have advice, it's nice to have someone who has the same battle.
We have all the skids full time. It's a battle. I totally hear you.
The BM was very absent after her suicide attempt. Going out to bars regularly, shopping way beyond her means, arguing about having to spend time with her kids after we started allowing visitation. We put a foot down with it. Made her be involved by giving her an ultimatum which she still throws fits about.
I worry for my SD. She does not make healthy decisions, seeks negative attention at every turn, and keeps unhealthy friendships that will give her the negative attention she craves so much. She wants her life to be so dramatic. But more than I am worried for her or any of the skids, I worry about my own child and the negative impacts this all has on him.
You're right though. We will figure it out and make decisions that are the most healthy for us... when we are ready to cross that bridge. I only hope I am given the opportunity to make the decision to see it through with healthy outcomes for all the kids and my marriage. We'll see I guess.
I completely understand! It's
I completely understand! It's crazy how similar your SD is to mine. I worry about her, too. She's a terrible decision maker. She will do what she wants to do even if she knows that she shouldn't. She wants attention all the time, whether it's positive or negative. She acts just like her BM and her grandmother. Imagining what she is going to be like as a teenager is a scary thought. As for worrying about your son... don't stress out too much about that. Be a good mom and teach him what he needs to know. My children are older than SD and they are fully aware of how she is. They just shake their heads at her bad behavior and do their own thing. They are smart enough to know that she is not someone to emulate. Hopefully, your son will know better, too!
My resentment reached its
My resentment reached its boiling point while I was pregnant. His teens were being major assholes and he was a weak parent.
You are feeling very protective and territorial right now. You feel even more bothered by the fact that your husband isn't willing to protect you from the added stress his choices have caused you.
My advice would be to find a therapist for yourself and to not make any permanent decisions at this time. I still want to hug his throat a little too tight now and then, but I simmered way down once my hormones went back to normal.
It was a really long, rough pregnancy though. Good luck!
Therapy is definitely my next
Therapy is definitely my next step. I'm willing to go the distance for him if he is willing for me. Our new little one is a month old and I fully recognize that I am not in a head space to make such a large decision right at this moment. I think more than anything, I just needed to hear that I'm not completely overreacting and that my need for a mediator is probably a good idea. Thank you.
I think this is the danger of
I think this is the danger of coming in and fixing everything up - unconsciously, you think that when you need HIS help, he will gratefully be there, but it turns out, he didn't agree to that part of the contract. He agreed to the part where you helped HIM, but not the part where he'd be there for you when you needed it. So now he feels resentful that you no longer want to do all of that lovely parenting that you did, which prevented him from having to do it himself.
I say back off and let HIM deal with his broken kids. You focus on yourself and your son and let the chips fall where they may. The reality is that, just like the oldest one, the younger ones will probably return to BM's house to fail at life too, regardless of how much effort you put in.
It's true. It's difficult,
It's true. It's difficult, but it's true. I've taken control and tried beyond what I'm truly capable of. I do need to step back. Thank you.
Many of us women are fixers,
Many of us women are fixers, and some men are good at acting helpless, which brings that out.
I'm noticing that his
I'm noticing that his marriages seem to have a 4-6 year cycle. Coincidence? Maybe. But if it quacks like a duck...
Here's the actual root of the problem. It's not BM. It's not the XW. They are/were problems, but they aren't the root of YOUR problems. The root is your DH not doing ANY of the work to become a better father and husband.
Sure, he's coachable, but that's not "work". Work involves digging deep down inside and figuring out why you do the things you do and modify the things you do that cause harm. When you can't identify those things yourself, or you can't correct those things when they are pointed out to you, you have to seek professional help like a therapist.
Your DH has caused his own misery. He chose BM as the mother of not one, but THREE kids. He chose his second wife and allowed her to not only be abusive, but to include the abusive BM in their throuple. He is INSTRUMENTAL in the issues that his children have, and it goes far, far deeper than just being a Disney Dad riddled with guilt.
You can't fix something this fundamentally broken. You don't have the slightest idea why he has chosen to be married to two women that hurt his kids. You have no idea why he decided to bury his head in the sand and let his kids take the abuse - why he was willing to take WAR AND DEATH over the treatment of his exes but be okay with subjecting his kids to something he wasn't willing to endure himself.
I'm not sure what you find to love about him, if I'm being honest. That all may sound very, very harsh, but what exactly has HE done to make your life better, especially considering how much you've given to make his life tolerable at great expense to yourself.
You have options. You can choose to not continue your pregnancy. You can choose to put your child up for adoption. You can choose to separate from your husband and seek primary custody. You can move out and remain a couple but completely disengage from his kids. You can stay and disengage. You can stay and maintain the status quo.
Which option is the best for you? I have no idea. I don't think I could deal with the level of guilt and disrespect that your DH displays (and yes, your DH can still be disrespectful while telling you that he appreciates you - him not putting in the work to better himself for your benefit is disrespect). I personally wouldn't bring another child into this, but that's my pro-choice stance. But I'm not you, and what I would do may not work for you.
No, you're not crazy, or unreasonable. Even if you are hormonal, your concerns and frustrations are very valid. You may love your DH with every fiber of your being, but that doesn't make this a good relationship.
The big question I think you need to ask yourself is whether you are modeling the kind of relationship that you would want your son to have with his future spouse. If this wouldn't be good enough for him, why is it good enough for you?
You're right on so many
You're right on so many levels. His issues are beyond what he's dug through to find and he's pointed his finger in the simplest directions to justify his actions and feelings. I really think he AND we need therapy.
Our new little is a month old. I am with you on the pro-choice except for myself. I am the only person I can make that kind of decision for. And I don't think you were too harsh. I think you were honest and I appreciate that.
He does have his pros. His patience with me, the way he attempts to find a common ground and compromise. In every way except his ability to parent he makes me happy and safe. I've been a single mother before. For a WHILE.I quite enjoyed it. I think therapy is our next step. I'm willing to try if he is. But I'm not afraid to walk away if that's what it comes to.
Thank you so much for answering this. You've given me some things to consider and I feel stronger in hearing that I'm not being a drama queen.
I can appreciate the patience
I can appreciate the patience part. I have to drive my DH batty. I just have to. I know myself well enough to know that I'm difficult to live with, so that patience is a gift.
Regarding compromise, though, be careful that you don't confuse compromise with negotiations. Compromise is about finding the best of both worlds and getting to a solution that is mutually beneficial for you both while also fixing whatever problem that has come up. Negotiations, on the other hand, are selfish and designed for each person to get the most out of the situations, regardless of the perils it puts the other party in, and doesn't necessarily fix the problem at hand.
It's a fine distinction between the two, but the major difference is whether you come out of these talks feeling like you, as a couple, have benefited and found a common ground, or if you come out still feeling like you've somehow agreed to something that makes you uncomfortable, you feel like you've "lost", or you feel like you've made a decision that doesn't actually help the situation.
Negotiations can kill a marriage because someone always feels like they're losing and the problems continue to persist.
See I worry that I will just
See I worry that I will just become more resentful if we continue the way we have been.
I have disengaged. I have started telling the kids to "go ask their dad" more. I have gotten some push back, but I have communicated that I need to rely on him more. He makes an effort, but still sinks back into bad habits with the TV. Oh I hate tv. When I was on my own with my son, movie night was special as the TV was never on otherwise. And it was always something for my son. I never watched what I wanted and just allowed him to be in the same room. It was always for him. I'm getting back to that. Separately from the rest of my house now. My husband says I'm just caudling my son and says I need to back off as he's becoming a young man now. I have been a little more over protective with him lately, but I'm not upset with myself over it. If anything, I feel much better about the mom I am to him more recently.
Thank you for your words. They've given me some strength where I was feeling weak.
Military men are used to giving orders to women and they must
Comply. There is no room for negotiation or compromise. I say this from a family that has quite a few military people of various positions and they are all the same.
He can’t take criticism no matter how hurtful and true because it hurts his ego.
like others said, they were messed up before you, he sugarcoated things and blamed the women as the problem but you can’t be onto wife #3 and blame it on the women being of poor standards...there comes a point where you are an issue too..
i wouldn’t tolerate my husband shouting at me when i told him off about skid crap behaviour...
He's actually the opposite.
He's actually the opposite. He's been told when to brush his teeth and how to poop for the majority of his adult life. Lol. He says he needs a direction to run in and he will follow that. It makes it difficult because I'm a very "I'll just do it if it needs to be done" type of person since I've been on my own for so long. "I shouldn't have to" comes out of my mouth a lot. He's not used to being with someone as independent as I am am he has a hard time with it. He needs me to ask him for things more.
There is also the issue with him being taught that working/deploying IS being there for your family. While I grew up with the idea that I work so that I can be with my family. Creating a boundary with this one has been tough. For him, when he gets down time, he wants it to stay HIS time because in his mind, all he's been doing is things for the family by going to work. I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe it does since you've had first hand experience with military.
He IS working on it. There HAVE been improvements. But some hurdles are just VERY VERY steep for him. Especially those that require him to unlearn everything that has been driven into the core of him.
i could have written word for word
"3 of them. 3! Why for the love of all things holy you KEEP GOING when you are unhappy with a person who makes you so miserable that you can't wait to go back to war... I will never understand. And 3 is such a selfish number when you know you don't intend to stick around and make a marriage work. It leave 0 room for any relationship after to really thrive.) were raised by their mother while he was deployed. From what I understand is that her parenting method is very... Lord of the Flies. So you have 3 damaged kids, a mentally unstable mother, and a father with LARGE amounts of daddy guilt. Divorce eventually"
Chef did the exact same thing. He knew the marriage to the Girhippo was a huge mistake after she aborted his first child but kept on breeding with her anyway to the tune of three ferals.
I'm sorry to say but your
I'm sorry to say but your husband has failed his kids in many different ways for a long time now. He needs to hear that being a guilty daddy will screw up his kids more. If he can't hear this from you, then I would recommend a counsellor. He needs to correct the past by working hard with his kids in the future. He needs to set them up for a positive life. He has a lot of work to do. This is NOT on you. Youve done your bit.
Update
We had a few really hard conversations lately. We got into it over him blowing up at me. I asked a question out of concern about one of the kids and he ran in a completely abscure direction with it with such anger that it forced some things to open up. Then we got to talk about them. I asked him to be mindful of his compulsion to get defensive and listen. I told him that if he needed to take a break to process, to please say so, but that I would like to set a 2 hour time limit on it so that we can actually get this conversation out of the way. It went really well. I said a lot of things I needed to say that were not easy for him to digest, but he worked through them and then came back to discuss them further... It took a while to get through it all, but things are going SOOOO much better. He's agreed to see a therapist to work through his personal stuff. And a couples counselor after he has a few sessions with his therapist... because if he can't start to unpack his personal stuff, we won't be able to progress in couple's therapy. It's not perfect. We actually got into a discussion today about how work does not equal family time like he's been taught it does by the military. That one is going to take some time. It's been pretty drilled into him. I'm sure the military does this to keep their soldiers' moral up while deployed. But I do see him actively trying every day. Which I will gladly take. He's started pausing his game or TV show to pay attention to his kids when they want his attention... Which is pretty huge. He's been more of a leader than a boss with his boys, getting up and showing them how instead of giving commands. He's actively trying to do more with me. Which isn't easy with a newborn, but like we go on walks before work (at 6am) around the neighborhood and talk about things. Some important, some just casual BS. It's been nice. And he's kept it up for a couple weeks now. He's even been the one to motivate me on a couple mornings when 5am to get ready for a walk at 6 just seemed difficult. He gets up and makes us coffee and puts a bottle on the warmer and helps me start my day now. It's a work in progress, but it's progress.
As for the kids... It's going to take time for them, but he's taken some of it off my shoulders. And I have disengaged to let him... or make him... whatever. Lol. They have issues and having him be more open and aware and setting boundaries for them and himself with them. Being present and not letting his guilt and their manipulative tendencies run how he parents hasn't shown a lot of pay off yet since it hasn't been enough time, but I can finally see a chance for growth there. For him and for the kids. I don't know that I would call it a light at the end of the tunnel just yet, but a new door has been opened.
Thank you all for everything you've shared with me. It really helped me through. I'll probably have more to talk about in the future, but I'm grateful for you all seeing me through this.