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How to handle an out of control 14 year old bipolar girl

Islandamy's picture

OMG I'm so happy to have found this. I've been seriously thinking to myself - is this worth it.

I'm engaged, going to be married in 6 months to my soul mate. The problem, his kids - not all of them, just one. His two youngest (Daughter - 7 and son -12) are good. We're good, they are respectful and I enjoy spending time with them.

The oldest (daughter - 14) is the devil.
Complains that I bought her pants and only her mom buys her pants - because I buy things from thrift stores and she doesn't wear "gross" used clothing. Doesn't want her dad to tell me anything... why because she has been sexting men and getting penis pics sent to her - it had to be reported to the police. She did it three separate times. Then her mom got her a cell and she started texting her cousins 24 year old husband and it turned into a relationship with him. She randomly calls her father to tell him he's ruined her life. She even lied to the police and said her dad abused her so she could keep her siblings away from him for 9 months.

She is literally evil at 14. And I can't stand her. I don't want to be around her - ever. The eye rolling and deep sighing and refusal to follow the house rules - I don't know if I can take it. He's my soul mate and I love him so much when we don't have the kids. But when we do... he says she's still his kid and he has to be the good dad. I think she should be put in military school. He just agrees with me and does nothing. Idk if I can do this...

notasm3's picture

Military school would not have her. She probably should be sent to juvie with a one way ticket.

Noidea's picture

I completely agree with the clothes thing. Sometimes we have the best intentions, but we will go extra hard trying to bond and it usually back fires then our feeling get hurt. Relationships are a two way street and I believe in putting effort where its reciprocated.

Harry's picture

Answer, you can not do anything. She is bipolar, that does not get fixed. Does not go away with age. Only get crazier with age. Most likely any special school will not deal with this and will not except her ( that always fun ) You can punish them because that the way they are, nothing you will not stop any of there behavior. The whole mental health system is a joke.

Islandamy's picture

So all good food for thought, thank you!

Hopefully I can answer all th questions, fill I the holes...

Last January, the oldest daughter (13 at the time) was grounded from her kindle. My fiancé gets his kids every other weekend and tries to let her have her space. So she was in her bedroom alone. He knocked on the door and went in to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie in the living room, saw the power cord and took her kindle. He's a 350 lb guy so usually there isn't any challenging him, but she lost it. She got up (she's 220 lbs at 13 years old) and started hitting and scratching to get the kindle back. He called his ex while she was still attacking him. He put his hand out to push her away and she kept coming at him... with palm flat out she pressed her upper chest/lower neck against it so hard, it left a bruise. So many problems stemmed from that bruise.
After she calmed down, my fiancé saw she had been talking to adult MEN on an app called kik. He sat her down (and his son who didn't understand what was going on and tried to step in the middle of it) and explained online sexual predators and how men will say anything to get pictures and more... it was a long, very descriptive talk. That was a Saturday. Sat night everything was fine, Sunday everything was fine - and we dropped them off sun night. He then got a call sun night from the mom saying there were bruises and he explained what happened.
Long story short, the kid lied and said her dad choked her - because she was mad she didn't get her kindle back. The crazy ex believed her even though he'd never done anything like that before and filed child abuse charges against him. And filed an order of protection for him to not see or contact any of his kids. The courts sided with her and he didn't see any of his kids for 9 months. We were in court a lot fighting this. The charges against him were dropped and the detective told him "off the record" he could tell that the ex was very manipulative.
After 9 months of fighting in court, we got them back and the very first weekend, the oldest asked for her kindle back. He gave it to her willingly, and for Xmas we got her a new one. Just hours after giving her the new one, he texted the ex telling her what we gave all three kids and she said to take it back that the oldest was not allowed anything that goes online and she'd explain later. So my fiancé takes the kindle away, no fight this time. He looks at it and she's downloaded kik again and has 17 different conversations going with men several sent dick pics and asked for pics of her. He had the talk again, and took the kindle to the police station to report the men for sexual misconduct with a minor. The ex called him later that night and told him that she had gotten the three kids one iPhone to share and the oldest had been caught texting her cousins husband and apparently their texting turned into a relationship. The ex said charges we filed but when my fiancé asked more questions the ex said she didn't want to talk anymore about it. This all happened during the time we weren't able to see the kids. And the ex isn't forthcoming with info, doesn't answer her phone, and isn't there when we pick up or drop offf the kids to ask more info. So we literally have no idea if the guy is in jail or not (irony is he was a corrections officer in a jail). The ex told us about a month after Xmas that the oldest found her kindle in the garage and did it AGAIN. Seriously this kid does not learn. The ex said she was in therapy but I have no idea if she still is.
He's worried she'll get mad at him again and say he did something he didn't do and won't get to see any of the kids again. So that's why he's so lax now.

The oldest randomly decides to not come over on his weekends - and it is so pleasant when she's not here. The kids clothes didn't fit them - their mom (the ex) spoils the oldest and doesn't buy the kids new clothes. I second hand shop for financial reasons so we brought the younger two (7year old girl and 12 year old boy) shopping to get them some clothes. We did second hand shops and some clearance shopping at Jc penny. I picked up two pairs of pants while shopping for the oldest who didn't come that weekend. Both were from second hand, both were name brand, one was new with tags from lane Bryant. I really didn't think it was that big of deal, I was trying to include her even though she was not wanting to be there.

A little more background - the ex lived with her parents until this year (the exs parents bought her a house this year but the ex won't tell us where she lives and we pick up and drop off at the grandparents house still). The ex was in a bedroom with the oldest daughter, the youngest daughter and a fourth child she got preggers with while still married but doesn't know who the father is - it's a different race so obvious it isn't my fiancés. But that poor fourth kid doesn't have a father who visits him and I feel so bad for him. My fiancés son had to sleep on the floor in the living room in his exs parents house because the grandparents each needed their own bedroom and so no bedroom for the 12 year old boy. Ridiculous - they wouldn't even let him sleep on the couch because they didn't want him sweating on it. They lived with them for 2 or 3 years like this. CPS was called but the kids were told to lie or their mom would get in trouble so they lied for their mom.

The oldest daughter is very bipolar and every day is different. Because she wants a friend to spend the night tonight, she's acting like a great kid... as soon as it's over I'm sure she'll be back to being hateful.

I love this man so much and he treats me so great and I can't imagine being without him. His daughter though... I can't believe she would be willing to lie to the police and have his rights taken away from him (and possibly ruin his life with the child abuse charges as he's going to school to be a teacher) just because she can't have her kindle back. That is pure evil.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Has she been diagnosed by a doctor as bi-polar? Is she on medication? Bi-polar does not manifest as being "different every day." That describes a teenager. Bi-polar is a psychiatric illness that includes sustained periods of "highs" and "lows."

The girl is severely troubled. Her weight issue and her behavior issues suggest she may have been sexually abused in the past - in addition to whatever happened with the cousin's husband.

As far as the cousin's husband - if they were sexually involved it was not a "relationship." If an adult man has sex with a teenage girl it is sexual assault. (I know in some states the age of consent varies.) Your fiance is her father and can easily find out what happened by contacting the court system. I can't believe he hasn't followed through to find out if his daughter was sexually assaulted and what happened to the suspect.

You are going to keep seeing this man because you love him so much. But for dog's sake please don't marry him. If you aren't married, it will be much easier to walk away when this situation implodes.

Islandamy's picture

I don't know if she's been diagnosed or even if she's still in therapy. My fiancé doesn't get any info from his ex and hasn't pushed the topic because he's afraid she'll take away his kids again.

Acratopotes's picture

All I can say - do not get married yet, postpone it.... till SD is 21... this will never stop

but we all know you are still going to get married in 6 months time, so stop buying anything for SD, she's not your daughter and not your responsibility, ignore her like she's not there... do not ask her anything and do not do anything for her, You are not responsible for the adult she will be one day.

Make it clear to SO you want nothing to do with her, she's his and her BM's responsibility, and the next one of his children treating you like this, you will also cut off... then go on with your life ignoring SD....