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Evil Stepmother?**Good one**Long but you want to read

Emotionallydys's picture

I am truly lost. My boyfriend has a 4 yo LG who drives me insane. She is a brat with a capital B. She disrespects and disregards what I say. She cries and whines if she does not get her way. And still throws tantrums. Her biological mother has not been in her life consistently. But she knows she exists. I have taken this LG in my home, have taken on mom responsibilities, taken her on vacations and all financial responsibilities in our household fall on me as well because my BF lost his job. Even with all I do, he says I have no say in her matters. And she has been our ONLY argument since we got together. Bedtime, at 2 yo she was going to sleep at 1 or 2 AM (NOT NORMAL.) Wanting to eat sugary snacks late at night. Having an electronic device in her face ALL DAY.  All things that are just NOT NORMAL or healthy for a child.  But because my bf has felt guilty because of her biological mothers absense he would always give in to what she wanted.  He would not take my advice.  When I gave it he said I just want to control everything.  He would always say "I'm going to raise my child the way i want." Granted on his own he has set better boundaries. But even with all that, for a while i was getting close to her.  She was my baby.  But now, for the best part.  We found out a few months ago that she is NOT his biological child. His name is NOT on the BC (dont ask me why he didn't question that) so he has absolutely NO RIGHTS to this LG. We were supposed to look into adopting her but he procrastinated. Now her biological mother has contacted to connect with her child.  Since then ive disconnected myself completely.  I cannot invest time and emotional to a child that can be taken from one day to another.  In addition, her behavior DOES NOT help at all. So now Im "evil" because have disconnected myself.  I still take care of her, take her places, buy her necessities,toys, even paid for her bday party.  But because Im not lovey dovey as I used to be, Im evil. We have constant issues over this.  I need feedback.  

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

I would end this relationship. You support a man and his daughter (who isn't even his) and he wants to tell YOU that you have NO SAY? Fine, if you have no authority, then you also have no responsibility. He can figure it all out - including financially - on his own. He knows who the mother is; he needs to be getting CS from her if he is going to take care of her child.

Seriously. He has been disrespectful to you. He's mooching off you. He's having you financially take care of a child who isn't his (and sounds like he'd have known that had he put any thought into it) while being a crap father when that's currently his FT job. His "procrastinating" is really a mask for laziness.

Absolutely not. You already know you can't allow yourself to get close to a child who will never be yours, and pulling away (which you really aren't; you're still doing a lot of the heavy lifting) is being met with verbal lashing. That's not a healthy relationship for you to be in, or a healthy one for this little girl to see. She's a brat because her mother abandoned her and her father is both not her father and a crap parent. That won't improve if you stay, but you might get beat down from it all.

Seriously consider ending this relationship.

Emotionallydys's picture

Thank you.  Ive considered it.  So much easier said than done.  I do believe he SHOULD have known but I also believe he was begging for something to call his own.  

His name is not on birth certificate and he has no legal rights to her.  Therefore, cant get CS.

When I say Im financially responsible, I do mean paying for all the household bills she lives in, paying for the food she eats, vacations, clothe etc.  The inly thing I dont pay for is daycare. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Does your BF realize that by NOT being on the BC that any medical care he signs off on saying he is the father is fraudulent? That BM could come back and say he kidnapped her? He won't be able to enroll her in school. I'm surprises he has managed to get her into daycare without proving who he is. This can become a slippery slope really quickly.

Yes, leaving is easier said than done, but as someone who has been divorced, it's not impossible. You have a lot of motivation to do it. You're harboring a child that neither you nor the other adult have legal guardianship of.

Lastly, why is there any daycare if your BF isn't working? And why isn't he paying 2/3 of the household bills since it's him and her in your home? You're being used.

You aren't the first person to come here with thw same story, and my advice is always the same. You aren't married. He is in no position to put a ring on it. Stop doing wifely things when he isn't capable of making that kind of commitment. Not your responsibility.

Emotionallydys's picture

My BF lived out in Cali when the child was born.  The biological mother had given temporary guardianship to his sister until he settled things and moved back.  So yes, the biological mother abandoned her child with a stranger.  Fortunately she was in good hands.  His sister is the one that has to do anything legal  or medical.  But there is no formal documentation. She literally has just a notarized letter.  Apparently that's acceptable.  

She is not in daycare.  Thats one thing, Im grateful I don't have to pay for.

Truth is when he had steady work, he would give me money weekly to help. But it has not been consistent and its no where near what I have put out.  He just started working again.  

I feel bad for this little girl.  She's been abandoned by her mother, has gone from one place to another.  And the stable home she has encountered was with me. Part of me feels so guilty for not wanting to be part of the mess anymore.  But its A LOT.

On top of that, my own daughter has become so close to her.  And I dont want to hurt her.  She has gone through changes herself.  (My divorce with her dad, partial custody.) Im afraid of hurting my daughter too.

SteppedOut's picture

Vacations... clothes.... Exactly how long has he been out of a job? Unemployment rates are very low right now...jobs open with nobody to fill them. There is ZERO reason he should be unemployed. 

Emotionallydys's picture

Truth is when he had steady work, he would give me money weekly to help. But it has not been consistent and its no where near what I have put out.  He just started working again.  

BlueEyez's picture

Yeah, no. I would seriously consider all that you are investing into this relationship and compare that to what you are receiving from the relationship. Your investments into it are far beyond financial.

best wishes~

Emotionallydys's picture

I KNOW. Believe me I know.  Its all emotional.  

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Would hit the road. ASAP. No way am I going to financially support a little kid AND her bum father without input into how this is going to go. 

Emotionallydys's picture

Ive known him for years. We were always good friends. He isnt a bum.  He was actually quite financially successful but things went extremely bad for him.  And he is trying to pick up the pieces.  

I wouldn't be surprised if he is trulty clinically depressed and thats whats interfering with him moving forward.  Ive seen with my own eyes how strong he is.  But things have been extremely hard on him.

Ive tried to be patient and understanding.  But the pressure and stress is getting overwhelming. 

Mandy45's picture

Seems it not your problem but your both been left holding the baby. Some women are just unbelievable how they can just dump there kids on someone else. (In this case it not even his kid) Then just pop up every now and them act like mother of the year. Throw around there weight act all high and mighty. When everyone else is doing the hard yards. I feeling frustrated for you. Because this is just bulls**t. Because of one selfish person your life and the kids being thrown upside down.  Because someone else is useless and selfish. Some people shouldnt be allowed to breed. 

thinkthrice's picture

a favour and RUN!!  You will only regret the time, money, effort, pain and suffering that you're currently putting into this situation!   Life really is too short to waste!!!!!!!

tog redux's picture

May I ask - what compels you to pay for everything for this ungrateful guy? You pay for his "daughter", help care for his "daughter" - and all you get is disrespect, no matter how you play it? If you engage you're controlling, and if you don't, you're "evil"?

I hope you can find the self-respect to leave this guy at the curb. He doesn't deserve you.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why are you financially supporting a boyfriend? Sounds like a bad idea all around. Why is he unemployed? There is zero reason for anyone to be unemployed. Every retail and fast food place hires all the time. Why are you wuth this leech? Kick him out.

How did he not know that he's not on birth certificate??? So you plan on adopting? Say wgat? What's with women lately wanting to adopt kids who already have a parent. You aren't married to him. Kid has a mom. He isn't even biological father (who is?). And you can't just go around adopting kids 

what do you mean it's hard to leave? It's your home. Give him time frame when you want him and the kid out. You aren't married so no divorce proceeding 

Emotionallydys's picture

The reason I considered adoption is because at the end it is not the childs fault.  She is innocent in all this.  And I have been the one to offer her normalcy.  But that's off the table.  The biological mother decided to pop and say she has her life together.  So I dont even know whats going to happen there.  

There are no clear lines of communication.

Livingoutloud's picture

I never said it's child's fault. You can't just legally adopt someone else's child. Like I said she has a mother even if she is uninvolved, you are not married and he isn't even on a birth certificate. 

tog redux's picture

And the minute that mother got a notice saying her rights were going to be terminated, she would have showed up.

I guess I can imagine people loosely discussing adoption, but I'd have done some research before I considered it a real option.

At this point, the SO will have to adopt the kid himself (if BM allows it). What a mess.