Birthdays and Christmas
SD was exactly 9 years old before she received a birthday card from BM. The last time was when she was 2. That was the last actual birthday BM had been around for - she has missed every one since because she was incarcerated, in rehab, or just MIA. I'll never forget SS showing me the message from BM where she literally said "I think SD's birthday is coming up soon." You THINK it's her birthday? How is that a date you would forget? I was even there and I remember it. She proceeded to say "It's around the 29th, isn't it?" (SD's birthday is the 31st). SS didn't even respond, he just thought it was too sad. The birthday card came to her grandmother's house (BM wouldn't dare send it straight here). SS had already opened it - there was no gift inside, just a simple card that said "I love you and miss you so much. I think about you every day and pray you are doing well." She signed it "XOXO, Mom" TWICE. SS looked me dead in the eye and said, "She shouldn't have even signed it Mom." He showed me the birthday card he had received a few months earlier, and it was pretty much the same words exactly. The next few years were the same - no gift, just a card with the same message. Always sent to the grandmother's house. It wasn't until about two years ago she started sending money, and last year actual physical gifts (which, I want to mention, reeked of cigarette smoke and I had to wash the clothes twice to get the smell out .) Also, SD has not worn a single article of clothing that was chosen by BM. How sad the woman doesn't even know what kind of clothes her own daughter likes and probably had to ask someone else what size she wore. For instance, last Christmas she bought her two pairs of jeans. SD has not worn jeans in several years and practically lives in leggings. She has also bought her boots that are still in the box, unopened (SD asked for Converse sneakers, which DH and I bought). It boggled my mind, because at the very least she could have given her a gift card so she could have picked out what she wanted and liked. That is always my go-to if I'm not sure what the children might want for their own birthdays or Christmas.
No amount of birthday cards or money or gifts can ever make up for all the birthdays and Christmases and other holidays that have been missed, though. And now BM had the nerve to tell her older sister to convince SD to come over to her house this Christmas. Wouldn't it be nice, she had her say, to come over and open your gifts WITH me? You have SO many under the tree. Otherwise, SS will have to pick them up and I won't even get to see you open them. Why is this Christmas suddenly different? Because it's the first time you aren't locked up and you've lived in the same place for over a year that wasn't jail or a rehab facility? She didn't even ask to see SD on her birthday, just sent SS with the smoke-stained clothing and boots. I asked SD what she really expected - to go over there and open gifts and act like everything is okay, like they are one big happy family? She admitted that she didn't even really want to take the gifts, but didn't want to "hurt" BM's feelings. But what about YOUR feelings? I asked. Do you want to have to put on an act? You would have to ignore the fact that the last Christmas you actually spent with her you were two years old, a time you barely remember? She has made one comment since that conversation that she's considered saving Christmas for me, DH, SS and other people. But I'm still not sure.
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"she's considered saving
"she's considered saving Christmas for me, DH, SS and other people"
Remind me how old she is again? Seems to me she doesn't get to make that kind of decision if she thinks she can slink off and see BM. Time your DH put his foot down about his sister and about grandma. No visits to them over the festive season.
She is 14. I don't think that
She is 14. I don't think that she would try to sneak off because she knows she would get caught - If she lied and said she was going with her best friend or boyfriend, I could easily text their mothers and find out the truth. Also, if we suspected she went down there, it would be simple to just drive by and look through the front window (they have a huge picture window and you can pretty much see the living room). She's had me, DH, SS, SS's girlfriend, her god-parents and multiple other people tell her it's not a good idea and I get the feeling she knows it's not in her best interest. DH already told her that if BM wants to see SD so bad, then she's had plenty of time to get some kind of supervised visitation. And he hasn't agreed to anything with her because of how badly she burnt him a few years ago (that I mentioned in another blog). He even told her that if SS wanted to go over there, SD could go as well, and SS absolutely refused and said he'd rather be anywhere else in the world but inside BM's house.
Have you all talked about how
Have you all talked about how you're going to prepare SD to see her mother again, whether that be sooner or later?
She doesn't feel the same way you, DH, or even her brother does. She's going to spend time with BM whether you all want her to or not. BM has, on the surface, a pretty successful case for getting visitation with SD: a place to live, sending cards/gifts for the kids, family support, and most importantly, a kid who wants to see her. And that kid being a teenager only makes it more likely that BM would get some amount of visitation should she decide to take it to court.
It's a losing battle trying to keep SD away. Don't let her end up visiting BM without the tools to handle it. She may need to see BM in her current state to fully grasp how much the image she probably has in her head and the reality of BM are different. She doesn't remember BM being bad; she just remembers her not being around. It would be better to view this like an adopted child wanting to meet their biological parent. It answers questions that SD may not know how to properly express.