Your post made me giggle a little. My sister (just turned 40) has a step grandkid who is 14. So at 26 she was "Nana". Her husband is substanitally older and we used to tease the hell out of her over it. 

My sister and her hubs are the best together though!! They have been together for 20 years and are just perfect. BM used to be a giant pain in the ass (my sister is only a few years older than SD). However, in time, everyone got over it. SD's and SGK's come visit, they stay for a week and leave. SGK14 usually comes and spends a couple of weeks in the summer. It all works out and my sister loves them to pieces. It wasn't always easy, but in time.

I would say go. Let them do pictures the way they want and then tell your DH to tell the couple that for your home you would like a picture with the couple and you 2 - all together. Frame and hang that picture proudly! 

Did the SS specifically invite you?
If he did, I would go.
For him (SS).
Dress to the nines and be the belle of the ball: confident and fabulous!
Stuff the family politics.

If he SS kind of invited you only as a begrudging courtesy to his Dad, and you don't really want to go,  then don't.
Spend the day doing something enjoyable for you and ignore that DH has past baggage to contend with.

Oh, and let me know when I need to send you a "sexy young grandma t-shirt" 
(Life is to short to stress over all the crap step life throws your way. Go with the flow on this one.)

Hey elcamino. Was your name on the invitation? If not I wouldn't go. If it was and you feel that you would just hate to go then don't. It should be your call not your husbands.

My DH is older than me too. Not 11 years though. He may be older but I am wiser!

I wouldn’t go. Ask your DH why he wants you to go. He knows you are going to be treated like sh*t. Just make him try to give you one good reason why he wants you to be abused. Don’t let him try to tell you that you will be welcomed with open arms as that is just one big fat lie. 

If he still is trying to force you to go - just tell him that he probably doesn’t really want you there as you will leave all your filters at home.  You can totally ruin everyone’s day if they start dumping sh*t on you. Make him believe that you would do it. 

Tell him you are going to photobomb all the pictures.  Faint in the aisle as the bride is entering the church. You can make up all sorts of hideous things that you could do.  Everybody there already hates you so what do you have to lose.  You don’t actually have to do any of it, but you could have fun terrorizing your DH  with thoughts.

I agree - if your name is on the invitation, go ahead and go. Wear something that looks good AND makes you feel good. Be proud to be on your husband's arm. Be above the BS. Smile like you have a secret. And defintely ask for that picture.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go.  I don't like large parties with a lot of people I don't know.. even worse if you think you will see people you don't care for!  The temptation to skip it and enjoy a free afternoon would be tempting.

Now, your DH wants you to go because he is probably afraid that it would look badly on HIM if you didn't come.  Tongues would wag and he might be embarassed.  "where is she... are they having marital troubles.. I knew she was no good etc.."

Well,  I wouldn't go on account of your DH's feelings necessarily but I think it might be a good idea to go with regards to the SS. 

If you had a great relationship, it actually would be easier to skip out on it.  When my OSD had her showers for the wedding and her baby I talked with her and said I wasn't coming because it would be easier on her since her mother would obviously be there and in a small setting that was not going to go well.  I sent nice gifts and no damage done.

But, if you already have a somewhat strained relationship with this man and you were actually included on the invitation.. then I would go.  Look, you and his son may never have a great relationship but if he was kind enough (or open enough) to extend an invitation to you then I would accept it graciously... go to the wedding and charm the pants off of everyone with your fantastic personality and killer sense of style.  If you don't accept then that is an excuse forever that "we tried and SHE wouldn't come.. we are not going to bother". 

Now, I can understand that this may be a stressful day... but go... have a few drinks and have an exit strategy if things get to be too much.  Number one, your husband wants you by his side... Number two, you are being included which is more than many other stepparents have experienced.  Three, you never know... perhaps over time his kids will grow to appreciate how happy you make their father... even if you don't end up best friends.

Go, don't go. Totally up to you. If you'd rather stay home and drink wine, do so. You are under no obligation to go to a wedding of an adult child (an adopted one or not) if the adult child doesn't bother to even acknowledge you exist. I doubt it matters to this young man whether you show up or not. 

What you shouldn't do is hold it against this young man that his father ( an adopted father or not) may soon be a grandfather. It's not the young man's fault your husband picked a wife merely seven years older than the young man. The young man certainly isn't under any obligation to plan his future around when you deem it appropriate to think of yourself as a stepgrandmother nor when your husband becomes grandfather. Your husband selected you, not the young man. The OSS got no say (rightly so) just as you have no say when your husband is made a grandfather. You don't have to knowledge the grandchild as a stepgrandchild.... you are free to do the 'oh, that baby? He's my husbands grandkid. No one has to call you grandma or nana or anything else representative of being a grandmother. 

As to wedding photos, if you go. Yes, you should be included in some, but than again, unless your DH is paying for the photos DH has little say about who appears in them nor how many get taken. Yes, it would be rude to entirely exclude you from being any any of the assorted photos taken, but really does it matter? You don't seem to like any of these children of your husband, nor your MIL (I'm sure you have your reasons). 

Make up your mind with what you are comfortable doing (going or not) and stand to it. I can certainly think of a whole list I'd rather do than spend the day with rude, clingy people I have no use for nor personally like. Your husband is a big boy and doesn't require a babysitter or guard dog to support or protect him. 

If you stay home, select a nice wine and spend the day having a lovely quiet 'pamper me' day. 

I feel like this falls under the "worse" part of marriage vows...and that you should go, not for his kids, but to support your DH.

Do like someone else suggested and dress up, try and put the family crap aside, and make lemonade out of lemons. It's a crap sandwich, but try and have fun with your DH throughout the wedding when you can. Because sometimes we do things for our SO's despite not really wanting to, and expect the same from them. I know personally that my SO has not wanted to come with me to certain things- friends kids graduation parties, family events, and it hurts my feelings. I mean, half the reason to get married is so you no longer have to go to weddings and events alone anymore! 

Also, there should be plenty of booze at the wedding, so there's that.

I myself would not go if I knew I would not enjoy it. I personally don’t like spending time with skids. I can only take his relatives in small doses. A wedding can be akward if there is forced socializing like the last wedding I had to go to on DHs side of the family where people mingled at the open bar or two hours before dinner started. I would have preferred to stay home but DH didn’t want to go alone. 

Be honest about whether or not you want to go based on your feelings. Not on power issues or control issues or feeling left out or trying to take a stand etc. Let all that go. Life’s too short to be fighting those battles. Live for yourself. If the kid sent you an invitation go to be courteous. If your name isn’t on the invitation and DH has any self awareness he would be hurt and not go.

If you genuinely do not want to attend the wedding, don't go. Don't do anything that you are not comfortable with. Plan something that you enjoy for that day and have all the fun your heart desires. Its not about supporting your H, its not about if they invited you or not, its about how you feel and if you are not comfortable than why place yourself in that type of environment? Who cares about appearances and what these people think....they are a non-factor.

Stay home, drink your wine, go out watch a movie, visit a beach, go bike riding.....whatever! Just do you!

In my case BM was deceased before the wedding (before DH and I dated). If SD and husband could have excluded me they would have. But, DH paid for most of the wedding (everything but the wedding dress) and they knew he wouldn't pay if I were completely excluded. 

I went to support DH. I encouraged my kids to go (one drove four hours each way). The day was awkward, but we (kids and I) survived. In my case it paid off. Not with SD and husband. But with BM's relatives. We don't see them often, but when we do they are polite and gracious. And their politeness and graciousness forces SD and husband to be civil in their presence. Functions with BM's relatives are actually more pleasant than those without them.

The poor wedding photographer kept trying to get me in pictures at the reception as I was told (by SD) that I was not needed at the photo session. I finally pulled her aside and told her to stop as they wouldn't order any with me in them. And they didn't. Not even the only one with the only living grandparent in it too. If I was in it, even in the background, it didn't make the album. If you look at the album I wasn't present at the wedding.

I say if you were actually invited: Dress to the nines. Go to support your husband. Smile till your face hurts, and then smile some more. Find someone at the wedding to talk to and shun BM and her ilk.

If you weren't actually invited, stay home. The DH has a choice. He can stand with his wife or he can stand with his kids against his wife.  Or he can go to the wedding and spend the day telling everyone how miserable he is without his wife present since she was excluded.

Ask your H if he would enjoy spending time around your ex boyfriends, or with people who can't stand him. Does he enjoy placing you in situations where at best you will be ignored, and at worst snubbed and treated rudely? Give him clarity and ask him why he thinks you would enjoy yourself at the wedding. And make him actually answer you.

I just don't think it's good for the psyche to offer ourselves up for mistreatment. And there already seems to be a lot of conflict and resentment in your relationship.

If you can discuss your concerns openly with him, feel heard, and form a plan whereby your DH stays by your side and proudly introduces you to other guests, then maybe you'll feel comfortable enough to go. But if you don't trust your H to have your back at all times during the ceremony and reception, then I wouldn't subject myself to it.

OSD has been married twice. Both times DH gave the bride away, which meant long stretches of time when I was on my own. At the last wedding, I couldn't see the ceremony because I was seated behind a pillar (right where the usher put me). Even though there were people to chat with, and I had the confidence of knowing I looked my best, it was awkward, boring, and a waste of a beautiful day. 

I don't do many things I don't want to do for a man that doesn't respect my feelings. If your DH was more respectful then I would go but based on what you have written in this post and a few others I would go get a hotel room and treat myself to a great time away from the house. Going away will allow him all weekend to spend time with his delightful family.

My half sister were pregnant at the same time! So my mom had a six month old and a newborn grandson. And yes, all three of my sister's kids call my mom grandma. My sister also has a child only a year younger than my mom's middle child and one a few years younger than the youngest, so we were stairsteps. Mom also babysat all three of the kids and people assumed all six of us belonged to my parents. 

I am older than my husband and had my son young. We became grandparents 3 years ago and again three months ago. The older grandchild's favorite person is his "step" grandpa. Dh was 32 when the grandbaby was born. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.  

Never, ever underestimate the SM bashing that can go on at a wedding.  And, especially never underestimate the deep feelings of pain and rejection that can so easily come along with that, no matter how prepared you may think you are! 

I’ve had my own experiences, but I’ll never forget reading about one strong, intelligent SM who stated that the experiences at her SKs’ weddings hit her harder than the death of her own father.  Fortunately, my dad is still alive, but given what I went through, I can easily see where that could be the case.  I expect my father to pass at some point, hopefully due to old age, but when I attend a wedding with my husband, the last thing I (anyone) would expect is to be treated like a worthless ho, even by my own DH—he was too busy trying to cover his own a$$. 

I don’t get any of this, it matters who pays, either.  It doesn’t.  Weddings are, or should be about honoring relationships and in the present, especially about placing married couples like married couples—just as the newly married couple expect for themselves, I’m sure.  Weddings are not about whomever pays the photographer the most gets to hog the camera, for instance, and deny photo access to anyone they so choose.

So, no, a SM does not have to go to a wedding, any wedding with her DH if she so chooses.  Doesn’t matter if she was invited or not.