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Step Daughter a little too close for comfort

elcamino67's picture

Hello everyone! I am new to the site, although I have been reading others post for several weeks and let me say how good it feels to not feel alone in being pushed past the breaking point with SK. Its a breath of fresh air knowing I am not the only person who feels like this! That being said, there's a topic I haven't found much reading on and I'd like some advise so here it goes:

 

I am married (almost 2 years) to a great guy. He's a big bearded tattooed man who has a soft heart but isn't exactly the "come here and let me love on you" type. Pretty much we only "cuddle" when he wants to.... well, ya know..... He has 3 kids. One of which is a daughter who will be 16 in July. She is not your typical 16 y/o honestly she acts about 11-12. Very book smart but when it comes to your typical teen she is not one, very young for her age. My problem is (one of them) she HANGS and I mean HANGS all over her dad. She calls him daaaaadddddy and lays her head on him and rubs his hands and arms. When we go out she holds  his hand with inner locked fingers. My husband is 11 years older than me I am 29, there has been times we have been at the mall and they were holding hands and he would hold my hand at the same time and people would look at us like he had 2 wives or something. They are constantly giving each other back rubs and she plays with his hair. He has a 17 y/o son who lays his head on him and wraps his arms around him too, but not as bad as the daughter. For the last year I have tried to over look it thinking they would grow out of it, but honestly its getting worse. And now other people are noticing it. My mom and several friends have made comments like "wow they are all over him" I have tried to talk with him about it but he just gets mad. He defends every move they make in the first place and told me I was just jealous. Maybe I was feeling jealous, but mostly I feel weirded out when she's stroking his arms telling him how pretty his hair is...

 

The other day she even sent him a text that said she thinks about him all the time and when hes on her mind she cant help but smile. Maybe I've always dated the wrong men, but I dont think I have ever even had a bf talk to me like that! I really told myself for awhile I was just over reacting but remember when you were a kid and you saw your mom and dad kiss and it made it feel weird and you wanted to leave the room? Well thats how I feel every other weekend when they are there. She will literally gaze at him and smile and tell him hes pretty or how much she loves him. And shes 16!!!!!! How can you feel ok with having a 16 year old let alone your daughter rub your hairs and legs with her head on your chest?!?! I have a 13 y/o son and I couldn't imagine that! 

 

Has anyone else experienced a situation like this? If so what do I do?!? Im starting to feel like "the other woman"

Comments

Step-girlfriend's picture

It bugs me when SD9 hangs on my SO! Check out the blog called "It's me again and I have taken a stand". If you go to "blogs" and scroll down you should see it, it's new. She has a few posts about her SD11 doing this.

Not ok though!! He needs to set boundaries.

momjeans's picture

Ugh. I feel for you, elcamino67. It’s such bizarre and inappropriate behavior. What is up with these preteen/teen daughters and what appears to be an Oedipus Complex? 

there has been times we have been at the mall and they were holding hands and he would hold my hand at the same time and people would look at us like he had 2 wives or something.

I hope you quickly and instinctively let his hand go in these situations, because nope, no, nah. 

elcamino67's picture

YES 1000% I drop his hand and walk slower. I am not trying to look like some crazy sister wife... Me and his daughter look pretty close in age and Im not about to hold him or be close to him while hes with his mini wife hell no!!!!

Iamwoman's picture

You’re not jealous. Your reaction of being incredibly disturbed by this behavior is completely normal.

You yourself have said that “even other people are noticing.”

This type of behavior is sick on his part. It’s not normal.

notasm3's picture

Don't confront with anger or even reason.  Just make fun of them and ridicule them - especially publicly and on social media.

For God's sake do not let others think you are okay with this sh*t.  It will make you look like a "prevert" too.

elcamino67's picture

I have had the same thought, not get mad, not walk away when I see it just make fun!!! The only problem is when I see it I honestly dont even know what to say to make fun of them! I get so taken back I just loose words!

MoominMama's picture

No wonder he doesnt cuddle you apart from when he wants sex, he gets it all from his daughter.  

I agree with others, this is not normalor healthy, it is dysfunctional. I think you will have a big fight trying to change this and you are unlikely to win. He always defends them as you say, he must be afraid of saying no to them. 

Its hard to suggest anything but i think maybe you should speak to a family counsellor or some sort of relational expert who might be able to suggest a way for you to tackle this with him. 

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

They walk around holding hands with their fingers interlocked?! I cannot even imagine...*shok*

FedTFup's picture

SD who was at the time 11 would act so needy and wants to sit on her father's lap. I think thats too old to be sitting on a man's lap. She wants all the attention and will swear to the gods she doesnt but I see otherwise. This one time she sat on his lap. legs apart with his leg in between and she would wriggle and move around and lay back on him. And in my head Im thinking this is effing weird. Becasue anyone who as ever sat on a bench or a narrow whatever legs apart knows usually your private part is touching whatever you're sitting on. I was younger then and didnt speak up. SD is 15 now and she has somehow convinced her father to pay her cell phone bill every month even if he is struggling to pay other things. Texting little stupid hearts. I dont think Im overreacting. I honestly think something isnt right. So she is visiting now and for some odd reason her brother who is an effing adult +18 thought it was okay for him and his 15 y/o sister to sleep on a darn sofa together for 5 days straight. Even though he has a bed. He would always make a point to sit next to her. Its creepy. I dont think I will ever understand that type of sibling bond. But the father never said anything. So instead of me saying something, I told him to tell his son that was inappropriate. Now, back to when SD was 11. I remember her and her brother(different brother who at the time was maybe 15) were awake, with covers over them but not covering their entire body. He had boxers, she had only underwear(again she was 11) It fricking 2pm and theyre still in the bed. He had actually gotten into the bed with her and they were just talking. I told them to get up and get dressed. I had mentioned it to their father. But, honestly I dont think he would have mentioned anything about the weird behavior.  Currently, she is 15 and wear the shortest shorts and crop tops. Pajama short are what we would call b00ty shorts. I'm not sure if I was to actually say that this but I dont know anymore. It all seems too weird . They will just think im jealous and probably because I dont want the SK in my house anyway(mainly because SD and the other daughter are disrespectful. Please respond and tell me if you think the entire family is weird. I think I should walk away but its my house and my husband refuses to leave

elcamino67's picture

yeah i couldnt agree more it is certainly weird.... thats even more extreme than my situation that i think is weird!!! you gotta go with your gut i suppose. its hard when you love your SO so much but you have these skids that make it impossible to live a normal life. thankfully i havent had to see the SK much as of lately bc there mother hasnt been letting them come over. but me and hubby have gone to war lately over SD behavior and hes made it clear that I am the weird one for thinking they are weird... i wish i had better advise for you but im in the same weird boat you are in...

TX2step's picture

Remind her she's the child. Tell her to stop acting like she's her dad's date, its embarrassing. Remind your DH that you are his wife and she is his child. Until he can understand the difference he can sleep on the couch. Yes to posting this behavior on social media, let him see what it looks like to others. Take back your place

Stepparentksa6's picture

I m married to DH with two kids... SD 15 yrs old and SS 8 yrs old ...i can totally relate to you...my SD is like my DH mini wife...she sits on his lap... hold hands in public and my DH even buys underwear for my SD...it is very strange to me because my father was never like that..my DH cannot hear a single word against my SD...my SD acts like an angel infront of her DADDY!! but in reality she is demon!!! I really feel for all the Step mothers out there ....Good luck all!

ImaLilqtpi's picture

I’m new to this site also and I am glad I’m not alone.  My SS just got custody of his daughter 13, she is attached to his hip!!! They go everywhere together and she will sit in the middle of the seat next to her dad in the truck even when there isn’t anyone else in the truck! We were just at a bday party and instead of playing games with the other kids same age and younger she was practically on his lap on a huge (empty) couch! Then as his conversation went on with his grandma to his right he turned and made everyone uncomfortable by putting his arm around his daughter’s shoulders and she just smiled and snuggled in. Everyone turned and That’s the first time I knew others were creeped out about it also. 

We ignored it and eventually they started their father daughter complaints about his current GF whom he has been with for 11 years and has two kids 10 & 8 with, they were also at this party but the GF was not. They both started calling GF names and then his daughter called her a witch very loudly. My aunt told her that kind of talk was not very nice and then my SS got mad and said maybe he will quit showing up to these things. We ignored that also because we didn’t want to ruin the little birthday boy’s party. We knew he would leave soon because he can dish it out but can't take anything!!!  Once he gets started he talks just nasty in front of all three kids about their mom and I just can’t take it. My husband and I always made a point to try not to do that to any of the kids. My husband doesn’t talk much but when he does he chooses his words very well. I on the other hand, talk way before I think.  I get mad and I get loud.

I have not slept since the party. I feel like it’s just going to get worse. I want to call his GF and let her know about this party but I’m sure my SS will just call his dad and complaine. 

 

Greatlove's picture

My situation is similar except that we are not married but living together. SD 17 lives with BM, and it's a similar shit show, you can read my blog under Greatlove. 
I confronted him about it when we discussed going to Berlin for 3 days with my 2 badass daughter (19 and 25) who visit us from the US. I have a tendency to blow up which is counterproductive. So first, I wrote down what I was going to say, because I talk myself into a rage and veer from the topic, which was your daughter can't come with us to Berlin unless she brings a friend because I'm not dealing with the shit show. Then i memorized it. 

When he came home from work I told him I needed to discuss something and needed his full attention. He said let's lay on the bed and talk. I held his hand and started. Holding his hand kept me grounded in that I love him and that in all other aspects he's a great guy. I said my piece, stating SD can't come etc, and then asked "can you agree to that?" And he said yes. I was prepared for him to say that she will come no matter what, and I was prepared to say that he was then uninvited to findige me and my girls.

What may be helpful is that you focus on one specific incident to address, so it has to be one at a time. These kinds of dads established a sick pattern with their daughters long before we got there that takes time to undo. Mine was not aware how fucked up the shit show is.

Asking "can you agree to that?" forces him to decide, and gives you a clear answer right then. Depending on what it is you can decide for you what you want to put up with and for how long. 
 

I wish you all the best and hope you keep us updated.