SS is a Cereal Killer
I knew this situation was going to get worse before it gets better. I didn’t think it would get this bad though.
DW and I got into another fight last night. That’s two fights in one week. A record for us. However this time the fight started over something rather innocuous.
Cereal.
Ever since I imposed a Nutella ban, SS has been snacking on cereal. He’ll have a bowl of cereal in the morning. He’ll have another when he comes home from school and another just before he goes to bed He fixes it when I am not looking and quickly retreats into his room before I notice because that tall little lying piece of horse puckey KNOWS I disapprove. So that’s three bowls (and I mean MASSIVE bowls) of cereal he’s been scarfing every single day.
I was wondering why we were running out of milk and cereal so quickly. When I asked DW about it initially, she actually put the blame on me when I fix little BS his cereal in the morning.
“You give him too much and he ends up wasting half of it.”
There were a couple of times I refused to give BS more cereal in the mornings because of this. A couple of times he’s even cried and I would hold my ground, saying no. I try to teach him that if he eats too much now, there won’t be enough for tomorrow.
So when I found out what SS was doing, I blew my freakin’ gasket!
What does DW say?
Wait for it.
….
…….
….
“Why are you freaking out over cereal!? You just resent SS.”
Yeah, those explosions you saw in the east was not North Korea test firing missiles into the ocean….
Oh, and me confiscating SS’s electronics and bringing them to work is also “proof” that I resent SS.
So I tore DW a new one last night.
“You want to know why I took his precious electronic gadgets to work? Do you REALLY want to know why?!?!?! I took them because I don’t trust you when it comes to punishing SS and sticking to it. It happens EVERY TIME. We punish SS, but the second he pulls his Oliver Twist routine, you bend and break. He has you so wrapped around his finger it is not even funny!”
Well that little revelation stunned DW. However, my message, has morphed into something greater.
What I told DW; “I don’t trust you when it comes to disciplining SS.”
What DW heard; “I don’t trust you” Period.
*BIG sigh*
I don’t know how to bounce back from this. I pulled into work this morning and sat in my car for a few minutes just compose myself and not cry. I still managed to shed a few tears though.
I spent most of my free time this week going over SS’s homework and helping him with his math. I agree to shoulder half of the tutoring costs. I do everything in my power to raise this kid right, and the ONLY thing that my dear wife is so hung up on is me having SS’s electronic gadgets at work which MUST mean I resent him.
So yeah....I am soooooo not in a good place right now.
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Comments
I'm sorry Draco. You might
I'm sorry Draco. You might go through this merry-go-round a few more times before you really face the battle before you.
Your DW doesn't want you to 'parent' SS. She doesn't want to parent SS. If you parent SS or expect/insist that she does, you will have strife in your marriage.
I don't know what the outcomes of that will be on your BKs, on your happiness with DW, on your marriage. I definitely don't envy you figuring that out. But your DW is very clear on this point and hasn't wavered. You need to figure out how you can 'hear' her and be happy too.
IMHO ofc.
I'm sorry. Your DW needs to
I'm sorry. Your DW needs to support you. When SO punishes my BD I always support him. No child needs to see you or sense you divided. If they do they literally smell blood like a shark and go in for the kill. I have no advice here. I had to take SO to a therapist for him o understand he cannot be the good guy and leave me to be military milly in our house. We both have to discipline and stand united. Good luck.
Sorry, I had to... Serenity!
Sorry, I had to... Serenity! Ahhh!
oh dear. no bueno. sounds
oh dear. no bueno.
sounds like you and dw need a little "us time", where u can reconnect and openly discuss in a relaxed environment. also, if i were you, i'd bring home flowers and a card. not to kiss-ass, but to extend the olive branch. you love her dearly. keep reminding yourself of that.
i would say she may have just been hormonal or something, but this is her usual MO when it comes to TallBoy. i know ya'll dont want to fight, you both have your own reasons to feel as strongly as you do regarding his consequences. i wish you both the best in being able to find a middle ground where you each respect eachother's feelings AND agree and follow through on a mutually chosen course of action.
sorry drac. arguments like this, especially when it's repetitive, really make you feel low. i hope ya'll hash it out sooner rather than later.
That's what made me snap
That's what made me snap initially. Throwing me and BS under the bus to protect SS's snacking habits.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the
Thanks guys,
I appreciate the hugs and the sympathy. I really do. It helps.
Not soon after I posted this blog post, I got an email message from the tutor. She heard that I was really good with math and was actually asking me if I could share some insights on SS's problems. She seems really eager to start working with SS and a part of me wondered if I should bother responding since DW is of the belief that I "resent" SS.
But then I read your responses and said, "You know what? I am better than this." and I emailed her back. I emailed her about a page of my thoughts on where I think SS is strong and where he is weak.
Do you think its possible
Do you think its possible that she's lashing out and blaming you because she knows deep down that you are right and she would prefer to fight rather than admit her parenting problems with tall boy?
Sounds like you are trying to fight the good fight and she keeps underming you by treating him like a toddler.
Good luck and well done for being the "better man" with the math tutor.
Not to be a Debbie Downer on
Not to be a Debbie Downer on a Monday morning... BUT It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you invest your time and effort and treat skid just as you would your own, in good times AND in bad.. it's always the BAD that gets the glory and turns into "you just hate skid" So then, you do what I did and say, "fine, you don't want my help in good times AND in bad, then I shall just not help at all, the skid is ALL YOURS" and of course THAT turns into "you just hate skid"
YUP. that's just a fact of
YUP. that's just a fact of step-life. that's why it's so important to be on the same page without defensiveness, and to handle things as a team. if that's just not possible, then yes, disengage.
but it's always the stepparent's fault, that's why we're evil }:)
Teens eat like crazy. They
Teens eat like crazy. They are growing. Why do you care if he eats cereal?
Not saying it is cool that your DW tried to turn it around on you and blame you for overfeeding the little kid... but why care to begin with? It's just cereal. Unless he is obese or a burgeoning diabetic who needs to stay away from glucose or carbs I would let that one go and buy a ton of cereal.
At some point, you just gotta pick your battles.
^^^agree^^^
^^^agree^^^
THIS Teen boys eat like
THIS
Teen boys eat like crazy. My son would eat a huge bowl cereal a few hours before dinner, then eat a ton of food at dinner.
Wife was out of line, but I can understand her being about the cereal thing.
Not really because she
Not really because she actually took cereal away from her own little kid in order to protect SS--both from consequences and his right to cereal, and really from proper eating habits (why can't he have a tuna sandwich once in awhile?) and participation in the family as a group
To repeat, she took the cereal away from her own little kid in order to make sure teen boy could eat junk instead of protein which is what teen boys really need.
>Teens eat like crazy. They
>Teens eat like crazy. They are growing. Why do you care if he eats cereal? <
I didn't mention this here but I did mention it to DW last night that the doctor said that SS needs to eat more fruit and vegetables. So I bought a ton of stuff from the grocery store (at DW's request). There's apples, grapes, bananas, carrot sticks, red peppers, etc.
SS complained last night that there was "nothing to eat". DW didn't think to veer him in the right direction. She just can't say "no" to her son.
And besides, breakfast cereal is for - well - breakfast.
Bottom line is your DW
Bottom line is your DW doesn't want to parent and she doesn't want you to parent either. So STOP parenting her kid! Let her deal with him! And at age 18, when he is doing nothing with himself, you get to say "GET THE EFF OUT!"
The Cearel battle rages at my
The Cearel battle rages at my home too. My kids waste cearel. They do. Sometimes when I' m busy with the baby I will let them pour there own and they pour too much and its food down the drain and it just enrages my partner.
Oh man...I do think that you
Oh man...I do think that you guys will make up once things cool off. Unfortunately, the issue will never really be resolved. The SP is damned if you do and damned if you don't.
But it is really hard to disengage and not scream at her, "Do you WANT Tall Boy to FAIL???"
My SS15 plowed through a half
My SS15 plowed through a half gallon of milk and box of cereal, chocolate kind not the healthy ones I have, in 36 hours.
My only thought on this is I didn't have to cook.
You know.... DW is going to
You know....
DW is going to call me any moment now and ask me what we should do for supper.
I have half a mind to tell her "Gee...Since you think it is a viable alternative. Let's all have mini-wheats for supper!"
Yeah...I won't do that.
You are in a really tough
You are in a really tough spot. Like me, I don't think you could ever go the disengagement route. Unfortunately, your DW has consistently undermined any parenting of SS. I do applaud your efforts. I truly think you have the best in mind for SS.
Only once did my dh say
Only once did my dh say something with an undertone of snark/resentment/cynicism in his voice about me possibly just resenting or even being, gak, "jealous," of SD15. It was so outrageous to me I couldn't even wait for him to finish, I cut him off and said something like if you think I'm the kind of person who's capable of that pettiness and random hostility I can't understand how you can stand to be around me and don't just cast me out right now.
It took him about one beat for him to consider it and then he backed off. He apologized and actually thanked me for calling him out.
Best of luck to you, Draco. What an unhappy morning.
Maybe instead of just not
Maybe instead of just not buying cereal altogether, you can only purchase low sugar types. You know, like Kix, Wheaties, grapenuts. Not much better but at least Tall Boy won't be getting all the excess sugar. If DW complains, make sure to have a bunch of links to sites talking about how excess sugar negatively affects school performance or something like that. }:)
Wait a minute...I love Grape
Wait a minute...I love Grape Nuts!
And the are allllll mine bwahahahaha!
I don't mind them myself.
I don't mind them myself. However, my personal experience was that my DS would NOT eat me out of house and home, cereal-wise, if I didn't have the super sugary kind, complete with marshmallows, of course.
I'll have to see if BS and BD
I'll have to see if BS and BD will eat Kix. I stopped buying mini-wheats because no one liked them but I heard that BD has taken a liking to them so I might buy those again.
BS and BD are not picky at
BS and BD are not picky at all when it comes to breakfast. They do get tired of the "same old, same old" so I have to change it up every now and then.
BS is the one who is big on cereal. If he likes it, he'll have one or two bowls with milk. BD on the other hand is not that big on cereal. It depends on her moods. She's usually happy with just cheese, juice and a yogurt.
Now I can stock the fridge to the brim with cheese, juice and yogurt and SS won't touch those. He *might* gravitate towards juice if it's in a squeeze bottle that he can take out of the fridge and go but if he has to pour it into a glass, then forget it. You may as well ask him to overhaul a Mac Truck engine. Way too complicated. So really, my challenge here is to find a cereal that BS likes that SS doesn't...which shouldn't be too hard.
yeah, I don't buy chocolate
yeah, I don't buy chocolate or ice cream for SDs. Nor cheezy popcorn or anything else SDs will scarf down; this results in either "I'm not hungry for dinner" or they don't EAT dinner because they know there's treats. "Oh, I'm not really hungry," but after dinner they RUN to the fridge/cupboard for treats. DP has to buy that stuff now.
I'll supply healthier stuff like whole grain crackers, pretzels, fruit, nuts, and other things they don't think of as food.
DP asked me the other day, holding a can of Limonata, lemon soda, as I was heading to the store:
"The girls like this stuff, maybe we should get more of it?"
Me: "No. It's mostly sugar."
DP: Nods
Me: "Plus, SD11 will drink two in a sitting. Now, if she ALSO drank normal things like healthier juice or smoothies or other good tasting things, I wouldn't mind getting it for a treat now and then, but no, not buying it otherwise."
DP: Ok.
That's sorta what happens in
That's sorta what happens in my house. SS will nible at dinner and then have a full course meal as a "snack" later on just before he goes to bed.
BS and BD will have dessert after supper but the habit of "bedtime snack" eludes them and I am hoping they don't pick up that habit.
Draco - broken record here
Draco - broken record here again.
This is not your kid. He is not your responsibility. It is not up to you to raise him.
He has a mother and a father. Albeit shitty ones, but they are his parents and raising them the way they want.
So drop it. Drop it now. Save yourself a shit-ton of frustration. Bring back his electronics, let your W raise a wussy, little man-child and stop involving yourself. You are not going to change any of this and it's too late to make any significant changes in him.
Concentrate on your own bios and try and have a decent relationship with your W. If she mentions your SS, then smile, pat her on the shoulder and tell her to do what she thinks is best for SS. Then walk away. Not your kid, not your problem.
PS - the cereal thing I get and understand your frustration. The skid in my life used to plow through snacks and cereal too. But when we ran out, I kept my mouth shut. She would come to me and tell me were were out. My response was always the same, tell your Dad.
Cut 'n paste reply. I already
Cut 'n paste reply.
I already put my stick in the sand on this point. If SS goes the distance into continuing his education. Then I will continue to support him both emotionally and financially. This doesn't mean SS has to go to college after high school. He could pick up a trade, or go into the military, etc. It doesn't matter, so long as SS shows initiative and wants to make something out of himself.
If SS decides to become a high school drop out, then he gets a job and he moves out at 18. I will not support an adult living in my house who does nothing but lounge around all-day working 6 hours a week flipping burgers.
DW said that if I ever kick SS out, then she will leave too. To which I replied. "Then it is up to both you and me to ensure that that unfortunate event never comes to pass."
I'm a man of my word and I am sticking to it. I help SS out wherever I can. I am paying for half his tutoring fees, reviewing homework, etc. Everything that I would do for my own bios, I am doing for SS.
Should the day come where I am forced to throw SS out on his rear, I would rather do it saying to myself "Well at least I TRIED to help him."