SD Does Not Accept our Bio
DH and I had our son 2 months ago. During my pregnancy, I posted pretty frequently on here about SD11 behavior. So we are 2 months in and she pretends he doesn't exist. When she does acknowledge his existence, it is always in a negative context.
DH got the obligatory "holding the baby" photo. She didn't want to, but DH pushed it. She is literally cringing in the photo and couldn't look more unhappy if she tried. I told DH on the side basically if she doesn't want to help, don't push it. I don't want him to be a "chore" to her. DH let up and isn't forcing anything anymore. She held him the one time in 8 months.
If we go ANYWHERE together, the first thing she asks "Is ____ coming with us?" At first, I was sarcastic. "No, I was just thinking of leaving the baby home alone." She didn't get it apparently. SD was still asking every. single. time. This last time I was just blunt as possible. "He will always be coming with us when we leave the house. He is a part of our family too. So you don't need to ask every time." I probably sounded like a b*tch, but the constant asking was getting unbearable.
I feel the worst is when family and friends ask about her. "Are you LOVINGGG being a big sister?" "Have you learned how to change diapers yet?" "How is _____ doing?" With close family, I tell the truth just like this post. With not-as-close friends, it's awkward. They don't understand why SD isn't in love with her "little brother", isn't helping out, etc. I DON"T have her help out, because SD is negative and acts like he is a burden.
I feel like people who aren't in a blended family, don't understand the different dynamics of adding more children. Trying to explain it feels awkward. DH will say in to me in private, he sees that SD does not accept him. DH KNOWS it's a thing, but I haven't seen him try to do anything to fix it. I also don't hear him being completely honest about his daughter when they ask. Usually the vague "She's okay..." ***What do you think DH needs to be doing with his daughter to help the situation?*** He has her in therapy... but she also has so many other issues they are focuing on too.
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Your DH still have the picture of
A Happy Family dancing in his head. Disengage from SD, she wants nothing to do with your baby. Then you want nothing to do with her. Don't cook for her, her father can do that, she not in your home unless DH is with her. You must put a stop to this craziness ASAP
I guess I'm not sure what you
I guess I'm not sure what you expect your husband to do to fix it. He can't force his daughter to love her half brother.
She needs to accept the fact that he exists and yes, he's coming with you when you go somewhere (really, what else would she expect? That's weird, she's 11, not 4) but if she doesn't want to hold him, play with him, or help out with him, I don't think it would be wise to force her.
She might feel differently as he gets a bit older. Be glad she's not throwing him down the stairs, I guess.
Is she an only child? I was less than thrilled when my sister was born when I was 4 years old. I mean, really, does she have to come home with us?
Does she ask a lot of stupid
Does she ask a lot of stupid questions? I hate that.
I'd literally tell her, "Stop asking stupid questions."
You would be amazed. I was
You would be amazed. I was holding the baby and SD walked up to me... "Is that (insert name)?" Me: No this is a new baby I traded him in for. YES who else would it be???
She's not asking legitimate
She's not asking legitimate quesitons. She's passive aggressively complaining with what she thinks is plausible deniability. Tell her she's asking stupid questions. Stop answering them.
She's old enough to accept reality. It's an important part of growing up.
THIS!!!!!
She's old enough to know what she's doing. Passive Agressive to the max with these thinly veiled "questions." My father used to say there are two sorts of questions. One is a question in which you really want to know/need to learn something. The second is rhetorical in nature and pushes an agenda.
SD11's questions are definitely the latter. She's hoping DS will disappear. I know I did not care for my younger sister (6 yrs apart) but I would never ask those type of questions to my parents, ever. Even at the age of 6.
Be careful and do not leave DS for one second alone in the company of SD11. There have been incidents chronicled on this forum of skids doing harm to bios many, many times.
I'm not sure if there is
I'm not sure if there is anything you can do as of right now other than wait and see. Maybe she will grow out of in a few months when the baby is older and more interactive or it could get worse. I wouldn't even respond to her dumb questions about if the baby is going with you. I would just walk right past and load the baby up to go. If she becomes a danger or is making life awful when the baby gets older then that is a different story and that should not be tolerated in the slightest. Your DH needs to face reality and try to fix this issue because it isn't healthy for you and your son.
My SD never accepted our bios. They weren't "real siblings" as she and BM framed it. It hurt at first but I accepted it. SD left for good when I was pregnant with my daughter. She is almost a year old and SD has never seen her. Life is 10000000x better without her and all the drama.
Congratulations on the new baby! Hope things get better for you!
YES, BM has definitely
YES, BM has definitely planted this seed in SDs mind. BM even went as far to tell SD "Your Dad never wanted a daughter and wanted you to be a boy instead. He only ever wanted a son" Talk about psychological abuse there. SD is brainwashed, but absolutely worships her mother no matter what she says/does. When SD gets older, I'm sure she will just end up living with her full time. I think that would be the best all around (as terrible as it is to say.) I simply don't see SD hanging around when she is 17/18 and DS is a little 6 y/o.
Congratulations on your bundle of joy!
Looks like everyone pretty much said everything
Just enjoy your little with everything you have
I haven’t read your prior blogs
But have you tried the reverse psychology tactic where maybe you tell her how much her brother loves her and misses her? Maybe give her something to do for the baby like fetch a bottle of milk and tell her what a great big sister she is? I know it'll probably make you cringe on the inside but I think it will make her possibly be more accepting and encourage a positive relationship between the 2. I don't like a lot of things my SS do and I was scared when DD was born if their mom would tell them to do something evil like drop the baby (which they did confess years later was something she would say) but I used those tactics and they love each other now.
Devil's advocate here
I'm going to be slightly contravertial on some points. I agree with everyone that your DH needs to shut down the stupid questions but I will defend your SD by saying some people are not that into babies. I'm definitely one of them. I have never held any of my neices, god kids when they were babies. I never fed them or changed a diaper. I have zero desire to ever do that. However, as soon as they become little people who can talk, I'm all into spending time. I'll do reading, teach them fun activities/sports/crafts and chat about their nonsense.
This is just the way I'm wired. My friends and family respect my boundaries on this point. It might be that SD is the same.