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What do you need to think about? (a slightly OT vent)

DeeDeeTX's picture

So, after my blog yesterday, I was motivated to call around for marriage counselors, which SO already agreed we should go. In fact, I even had a referral to someone earlier this year, but she had an emergency and couldn't take us.

So I called a bunch of people, spoke with the ones who got back with me, told him about the conversations and their philosophies, offered to share the phone number so he could call them if he had any additional questions or concerns....

And all he says is could he please have a little time to think about it...think about what?

I guarantee you, all that's going to happen is he's going to take five days, never call anyone or do any research, and go with the one I recommended.

Although if we wait another five days to make an appointment, we won't get in till the end of April

DH just does this crap all the time. Think about things he's already told me he's decided on. I mean, I can understand if he's never agreed to go to a counselor or if he wants the time to ask around or do research on these people...but he doesn't and won't. It's like he just needs a delay before making a decision....even a decision he already know he's going to make. It's bizarre.


imjustthemaid's picture

I would make the appointment and not tell him. Then when he says lets go with your choice just say Ok I will make an appt. Then you don't have to wait so long and he does not need to know you made the appt before he decided. My DH is a procrastinator. It drives me insane. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Sometimes I feel like I am a single mother.

imjustthemaid's picture

Sometimes with men you have to be one step ahead of the game. I realized with my DH that I just need to do things to get it done. By the time he gets around to agreeing with me its done!

DeeDeeTX's picture

I have done that in the past, but if DH finds out, he gets very offended at me for going behind his back before he's committed to it. So now I don't do it anymore as it isn't worth the argument. Just very irritating and baffling.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Thank you for the kind words....I have already seen two counselors on my own. Neither of them can really do much for me as regards my marriage. I don't want to put words in their mouths, but it basically boiled down to what was bothering me was the way my husband treated me, how I felt we could not have productive discussions and compromises (too much was his way or the highway.). The counselors validated my feelings that this was unacceptable, but had very little to suggest I had not already tried, except for disengagement.

For example, my one counselor suggested that when my husband and I started fighting and yelling, tell him something like, "I will step away from this conversation until we have both calmed down."

Problem was, I have tried that already, and my husband's response was to follow me from room to room, trying to reinstate the argument and telling me it was bullshit that I got to determine when we talked and when we didn't. If I tried to face away from me, he would get in front of me, or pick me up to where I had to look at him.

The counselor was like, "uhm, I don't know what to tell you then. It actually sounds a little abusive."

The abuse word scared me a little when she said it. I don't know if my husband is per se emotionally/verbally abusive. I've taken the questionnaires and it's definitely borderline. But he needs to be called on this behavior by someone other than me if that makes any sense.

Of course, this is all from my perspective, and I know I'm no angel, but both counselors really didn't know what to tell me I had not already tried.