7 year old SD won't eat what we do and is so messy - I'm so angry and sad right now that I'm in tears typing this out ...
I am 37 years old and have fought my weight all of my life - right now, I have allowed the past year's stress to conquer me and I'm over 200 pounds again and I had got down to 180 .. my kids are overweight (13 and 9 year old girls). Not badly, just to the point that we're 'watching it' with the kids (and I am on a exercise and nutrition plan). My boyfriend and his 4 kids are skinny, skinny, no matter what they eat. Right now, 3 of his kids won't come to see him - that is from marriage #1 and that's been so stressful and another topic entirely ... but his 4th daughter from a second marriage is coming every other weekend, certain holidays and in 2 week blocks over the summer.
Our general household rule of thumb is to eat as well as we can afford; we are eating local, in season veggies and fruit, buy anything we can organic and whole grain. We do our best to stay away from refined sugar and processed foods. My boyfriend is a really yummy cook ... we grill our meat a lot in the summer; he does things like make homemade bbq sauce, or marinades. Food is never boring and my kids and I eat everything he cooks. My 13 year old and I are counting calories and I'm watching carbs for my 2 daughters and myself.
However, feeding his daughter (7 years old) has been a challenge. At her mom's house (which is her primary residence), she told me that she has "chicken-donalds" (McDonalds) every day for breakfast on the way to school/daycare; she says that they don't eat vegetables and have dessert every night. She gets cookies as her afternoon snack (showed me which package at the grocery store). They eat white bread, their peanut butter "tastes good" (compared to ours which is Adams, no High Fructose Corn Syrup, added sugar or transfats), she gets to put sugar on her cereal, adds ranch dressing to things like pizza, corndogs, etc. She gets to drink coke and sprite and says that she eats mac and cheese, spaghetti and chicken nuggets. The only fruit she will eat comes from a can or little serving tub ... in syrup. 2 years ago, when we made salmon for dinner, and boyfriend told her she had to at least try it, after one bite, she threw up on her plate. Not spit it out ... threw it up along with whatever else was in her tummy. I put fresh green salads on plates almost every night for my kids, byfriend and I, but she usually loads it up with dressing, stirs it up, takes one or two bites and then is done.
So, my boyfriend and I We are in our first summer of 2 week blocks and 2 days ago (day 5), after trying to feed her what our family eats normally, she was so hungry that she didn't have any energy to play at the park and then started complaining of being nauseous. She was whiney all morning before I tried to take the kids to the park where she cried when I told her to hop up on her scooter and then wouldn't stop. So, the 'she'll eat when she's hungry' statement won't work with this kid.
Yesterday, because I'm so frustrated, I broke down and gave her whatever I thought she might eat. Got bologna and made her a white break sandwich loaded with mayo and cheese and bologna and she ate the whole thing. Fed her store bought potato salad. Then, she wanted a hot dog for a snack ... sour cream and onion chips and she wanted fruit punch. For dinner, my boyfriend made hamburger helper and the kid said "this dinner is YUMMY daddy." Meanwhile, my daughter had a wholesome sandwich and sliced cucumbers on her plate, but I couldn't help but notice her being jealous of the junk food.
I am ANGRY about all of this, and I'm afraid that my attitude is leaking into the home at a toxic level. I'm angry because the only way for this kid to not be cranky, whiney and crying is to feed her crap while I have to figure out a way to feed my kids healthy stuff! I'm angry because we were fighting her mom for custody but lost. Her mom thinks she's the worlds' best mom ... despite the fact that I had to take the kid to the dentist (never had been at age 5) and she had two on the spot root canals and filling because her teeth were so decayed. Meanwhile, we are paying child support out the ying-yang, have NO spare money (so when I see the salad going down the garbage disposal night after night it makes me mad), etc.
I'm also frustrated because this 7 year old is psychologically and developmentally more like a 5 year old and with me working from home, I am having challenges ... things like reading, the fact she doesn't know her address or phone number for either parent, she can't brush her own hair and 'forgets' to brush her teeth. I can only give one instruction at a time (so can't say go upstairs, get dressed, put your pjs in the hamper, brush your teeth and come back so we can go to the post office - she'll get dressed and then start to play) ...
I'm so angry because I'm so sick of fighting the battles between the households and my boyfriend acting like the disneyland dad when he's stressed out (no bedtimes, so we have no time together at night, no routines) and that he doesn't' do anything about the extra work she's creating (to get a shirt out of her drawers, the drawer is now empty and all of her clean shirts are thrown around the room - no exaggeration - some inside out, some still folded, some just rolled into a ball). He does help out with a lot of the household (one of the things I left my first marriage about - he does help with dishes, laundry, there is a 'division of labor' with us - my compliant is that she's creating extra and his answer is for me to send her up to clean it up, but she is not capable). Right now I feel like a maid and a babysitter.
Our house rules are pretty simple about cleaning up ... we ask the kids to pick up after themselves (things like coats on hooks, towels on racks, dirty clothes in hampers, toys away), no shoes on the carpet and to not leave anything not being played with at that moment in the mid-level of the house (3 stories) because I work at home and have clients / board members drop by occasionally and pretty much always unannounced or with a 10 minute warning. I never ever ask the kids to CLEAN - as far as the vacuuming, dishes, toilets, windexing the table, windows, etc ... because asking them to pick up after themselves is a battle enough.
Last night I snapped about her wearing shoes in the house (she said she FORGOT - it's been 6 days since she cycled back to our house and the weekend cycles started 2 1/2 years ago, so she forgot????) ... he got angry at me, told me I was catty and that he thinks I treat her like this all the time during the day.
I don't know where to go with this. First the food, then the messes and dealing with the fact that I'm now a babysitter? Chaotic house = personal stress for me. When my home is clean, I feel at peace. Right now, it's trashed and if a client or board member came along today, I'd die and I'm trying to figure out what to do with her all day while I work ... my kids do art, read, play with toys - all she wants to do is watch disney and nick jr...
Help? Advice? Can I get some peace? How can I get her dad involved?
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Is this something you want to
Is this something you want to be dealing with forever? The disneyland daddies are very tough to deal with as they try to compensate with their children over the guilt they feel. Have you tried the approach of setting chores/schedules with the children? Tell dh since they're all staying in this house, it's fair to divide the housework and make sure it's done adequately. Turn this around and tell him how he's favoring his daughter and not being fair to your children. How fair is it that your kids are well behaved and she doesn't have to clean or go to bed. This is your life too and you should have say as well. Sit down with DH with the schedule so he can see it is fairly written out about kids responsibilities. At this time, the kids will do this chore: DD will wash dishes, DS will vacuum front room, SD will wipe counters, so on and so forth. After chores are done, make sure rooms are clean. YOU do the walk through for all the kids rooms. If stuff is still on the floor, sit in the room with her, and point out every item she needs to pick up. I have to do this with SD6 sometimes bc she gets lazy. It's a pain in the ass but I feel it is fair. Try to agree on a bedtime if you can. Explain that you have a long day and that children require more rest so he's not doing anyone favors. Parents are to be PARENTS, and parent their children... not be their friend. They have enough of those at school. You can even set a time for tv... at 6pm after dinner, ya'll may watch a movie (or tv for an hr- whatever works).
As for SDs eating habits, I still think you shouldn't budge. I see nothing wrong with a response such as, you are not leaving this table or watching tv until the food on your plate is eaten. My SDs originally did not want to eat their food but eventually gave in. Their mother feeds them junk and I make home healthy meals... and guess what? Now they LOVE my food. Don't get me wrong, they love their chicken nuggets on occassion but they're happy when I make grilled tilapia with seasoned veggies. LOL Sometimes they get hungry to a point that they eat salad too. Ideas to get her to eat btw, maybe she can dip her food in ketchup, ranch, or bbq sauce. I find it surprising she likes potatoe salad? That makes most kids gag. Maybe you can start switching her over from the crap by starting with subway kids meals? Anway these are just ideas.
I know it's hard trying to get a foot in when it comes to a SOs children. It just takes time and effort but try not to lose heart.
I don't have advise because I
I don't have advise because I haven't found a cure myself, except the possible exception of trying to find her friends/summer activities to keep her busy during the day and possibly if you have them over for dinner shame her into eating normally. Our local recreation center do lots of childrens art, gymnastics, tap, tennis, etc...classes for free to very little money. You may want to look into those.
It's not advise but if it helps I completly understand. I am also naturally large as is my child and DH (now that he's aged) and understanding the importance of health I too stock our home with fresh, healthy food at all times. SS 10 also, literally threw up on my floor the first time he had whole grain bread in my home. Both SS's drink water at my house now because my juice tastes funny (no sugar, additives, etc) and they both know that they hate all fruits and veggies despite not having tried them ever! Mine won't even eat Hamburger helper - McDonald's Chiken Nuggets (shh...don't say they are chicken or they cry) and Pizza Hut pizza only! If it's encouraging at all as they age, I am getting them to atleast try new things, even if they won't eat them. SS 8 recently tried a grape and a carrot and discovered that both "aren't bad", he had seen them at school but never ate them before because his mommy told him he wouldn't like them.
I understand your
I understand your frustration. BUT you also have to remember she is only 7. Some children can multi-task very young, and some can not!!!I am sure it is very hard to come to your house, eat the food you like that she is not used to eating and be away from her mom and share her dad. I am a bio mom and step mom and I understand it can be very frustrating and hard. But try to remember she is a kid. its two weeks..... and every other weekend. I know its stressful for everyone...but i am sure your boyfriend feels very torn, and I know as a mom if i am made to make a choice between my kids and my husband i can tell you who would loose....and it would not be my kids......I do not know how far away her mother lives but maybe you guys can make other arrangements for during the week, since its so hard for you to have her and work from home...or let her watch tv all day...at this point what do you care? You want her to not make a mess and be quiet, that would do the trick for you right? I feel bad for you but I also feel bad for sd....try putting yourself in her shoes when you were 7. I never want to be one of those step moms that my sks have to get theropy later in life because how horrible i treated them...Some of it comes down to being insecure I think and sharing you SO. just my thoughts...like I said I know it can be stessful and hard on everyone...but give her a break........she is 7.....
First of all, you're doing
First of all, you're doing such a great job w/yourself and your daughters, watching what you eat, so congratulations!
I can relate to A LOT of what you're talking about. I've always been very diet-conscious, and although my daughters and I don't struggle w/our weight, I consider myself responsible for giving them the tools they need for making a lifelong habit of healthy food choices. Therefore, they've been eating fresh fruits and veggies, lean meats, whole grains, etc. all their lives. Meanwhile, my SO's kids are accustomed to crap, crap and more crap. He says, "Oh, they love salad..." Their idea of salad is a few pieces of iceberg lettuce drowning in ranch w/a couple croutons floating on top. Ummm... that's not a salad. They dip bacon in ketchup for God's sake.
I've had a lot of anxiety about the fact that they waste my food. Simple shit like bagels that I never would have DREAMED a kid could have a problem with. I realize that a lot of kids don't like the crust of a sandwich, but I raised my kids such that they need to eat it, so it even irks me to see THAT getting thrown out. Listen, I cannot afford to pay for food that gets thrown away. To top it all off, they whine and complain non-stop about what I offer them to eat. For example, I try to limit choices, because there are 6 kids total, and I'm not a short-order chef. So if I say, "We're having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch," that is a statement, not a request. So why is his 7-y.o. DD asking if I have sandwich pepperoni???? And then why is HE asking ME if I have any lunchmeat, actually catering to her refusal to cooperate???? And then why is SHE bitching b/c I only have strawberry jelly, not grape???? And then why is HE interrogating me about why I don't have grape, as if it's un-American for cripes sake????
Part of this whole thing for me is the Daddy-guilt shit. I remember shortly after we got together, he and I got into a blow-out b/c I wouldn't allow one of his kids seconds of whatever it was we had for our main dinner course (I think it was pot roast.) HELLO, there are 8 of us! A pot roast only goes so far, and if there's not enough for EVERYBODY to have 2nds, especially the adults, then NOBODY is getting 2nds. My oldest daughter especially could eat any of his kids under the TABLE, probably eat the whole damn pot roast herself, she has such a big appetite, haha. HOWEVER, when somebody is still hungry after their first dinner helping, I ALWAYS am willing to say, "Well, there's no more of (whatever) left, but there are still some veggies. Or you can have (any one of 400 different kinds of fresh fruit I keep in my house at all times) or a yogurt." My boyfriend said in that particular situation, he knows his kids don't eat right all the time, "so it KILLS me to see them have to go hungry." EXCUSE ME???? I have never let a child go hungry a day in my LIFE! And furthermore, he and their b*tch BM are the ones on food stamps, not me, so BY ALL MEANS, if you have to worry that your kids are gonna "go hungry" in my home, BRING EXTRA FOOD.
Okay, well I think I surpassed the "helpful" component of responding to your blog and went straight to the "venting" component, LOL... For that reason, I'm gonna steer clear of even getting into the cleaning up around the house/emotionally stunted/SO paying child support out the nose parts, or you could be reading my "comment" all day, LOL! I hope at least you can see that you're not alone; I am commiserating RIGHT THERE with you!
HAH! I still remember to this
HAH! I still remember to this day being about 6y.o., sitting at the table at 9PM with maybe 4 cold Brussels sprouts on my plate, not being allowed to move until they were gone. I can still imagine the taste of putting a whole one in my mouth, chewing it all of twice then washing it down almost whole with a gulp of (now warm) milk.
I still won't eat Brussels sprouts to this day, but I WILL eat everything else on God's green earth that doesn't eat me first, LOL. Kids these days are way too spoiled with dictating their own diets-- parents had it right in the '80s.
Way to go Mom! If it was up
Way to go Mom!
If it was up to me, when I was little, I'd have a mouth full of cavities and over-weight. Thank God my mom "punished" me when I didn't eat.
I did find rewarding with a healthy dessert helpful. After skids plates are decently cleared off, I give them options of pudding, a popsicle, a cookie... whatever else I feel like being nice with for that evening. Trust that little kids will do it for a little sweet. If they don't eat, then it's to bed without dessert.
LOL my parents (BM and SD) would send me straight to bed if I didn't eat. What kid wants to go to bed at 7???
Exactly! GG would REWARD the
Exactly! GG would REWARD the skids with TWO desserts if they didn't touch their homemade healthful meal.
I told him he was sending the WRONG message to which he responded with his patented "BAH!" and a hand wave off.
Ahhh You're giving me flash
Ahhh You're giving me flash backs!!!
GG (biodad) would make special junk food "kid friendly" (GOD i hate that term; there was NOTHING "kid friendly" when I was coming up) "meals."
At first he would expect ME to make them their special junk food "meals." And I did until I started to disengage as I was becoming merely an "entitlement session (that's code for visitation) facilitator"
Here was the list for ALL THREE SKIDS:
1. no grill marks to be on any hotdogs or hamburgs
2. brand name doritos only
3. oreos
4. M&Ms (plain)
5. Reeces peanut butter cups
6. brand name hot dog/hamburg rolls only
7. crusts to be cut off brand name white bread at all times
8. chicken mcnuggets
9. mcdonald's french fries (called mick and donals in baby talk by the
10. chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles
11. chocolate chip pancakes
12. dunkin donut brand or timmy's donuts
13. sugar sweetened "kid" cereals
14. frozen cheese pizza
15. kraft dinner (brand name mac N cheese)
16. all sandwiches must be with either plain balogna or plain turkey with mayo only.
17. diet coke
18. chocolate milk, heavy on the chocolate syrup
19. s'mores
Nice diet, eh? They wouldn't touch a home made meal or vegetable. The Behemoth (BM; a six foot 250+ lb giant herself and ironically a CPS worker) ate out all the time and had nothing but fast food or frozen crap out of a microwave box.
Nice list. It look familiar
Nice list. It look familiar but I must swap out DIET Coke for Mt. DEW. Don't you just love the term "kid friendly". I'm still not sure what's kid friendly about filling a growing body with nothing but sugar, salt and processed foods.
Not to hijack the thread, but
Not to hijack the thread, but what is it with those abominable "Kids Kuisine" frozen tv dinners "for kids?"
GG used to buy those things by the SKID load (pun intended)
NO F'N way!
I remember the first and last time I got to play "Nanny 911" with Prince Hygiene (SS 8 1/2 at the time stb 7)
PH: (running down the frozen food aisle almost bashing into someone) "Mom gets THESE for us!!"
Auteur: "Well you're with me and I don't"
(should have seen the utter SHOCK as no one has EVER told these skids "no.")
PH: "Can we get some CAAANNNDYY???!"
Auteur: "No, because you didn't eat your oatmeal this morning."
WOW two "nos" in one day when this kid hadn't heard one "no" in a lifetime!
By the end of the day he was actually self-entertaining! Something he had NEVER EVER done before!!
Oh give me a break! Who in
Oh give me a break! Who in their right mind lets their kids eat like that? NOT ok. I just can't understand why the parents wouldn't want them eating healthy. They are prone to get sick more often among a long list of things.
Remember, these aren't
Remember, these aren't parents in their right minds! They are at war with each other to see who can be their child's BESTEST BUDDY and not their parent. A true PARENT would never allow this, but someone who is trying to please and be BFF to their kid WOULD do this.
These are "free rangers" who would rather pacify their children than bring them up right b/c it seems to be EASIER that way and "more fun" for Junior/Princess.
Pure Parental Laziness.
These are also the very SAME parents who couldn't care less if their children are FAILING school and have zero ability to read and write well into their teens!
I can tell you that GG has never even bothered finding out his youngest son's grades and that kid is going into third grade (that I know of; he too has been socially and developmentally stunted b/c of coddling and pampering on the part of the Behemoth AND GG)
It was ME who *used* to write on behalf of GG to get his older two grades. When it dawned on me that it wasn't appreciated, that I would get yelled at for "usurping" and that both of them couldn't care less that their children were failing, I stopped.
^^AGREE. AGREE. AGREE. One
^^AGREE. AGREE. AGREE.
One more thing I'm not looking forward to-- being the ONLY person concerned w/skids' academic success. *eyeroll*
Then serves either BP that
Then serves either BP that CPS takes the kids away. They will have more rules in a state funded home. I'd like to see that with the OPs SD... how does governement food taste little one???
I wanted to thank you all for
I wanted to thank you all for the responses. WOW! I'm going to hang out here a lot more and post more (have been lurking for a bit).
I have to say, it feels really good to know that I'm not alone ... and that my feelings are a bit validated....it sucks for everyone involved ..
SD is at camp for 3 days ... then we get her back for another 9 days, I believe, so I'll be on round two of trying to cope. I'll post an update.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Breathe I get it you're not wrong
As im reading im crying because I understand you. I am reading and you're describing my life currently. I feel your stress.
I know you want to love this kid and you're trying your best and its appreciated valued or understood.
Its not fucking fair not right you deserve better.
I'm here anytime you want to chat im so sorry you're going through this