Wanting To Get Back To A Healthy Place...Any Advice?
We have been dealing with a huge assortment of drama from BM for over 4 years now. All of this drama has caused a lot of turmoil in my home from problems with DH to problems with SK's and even problems with my biodaughter. We have finally gotten to a point where things are good between DH and I and have managed to keep my biodaughter fairly protected from the aftermath. One problem still remains...the step daughters 6 and 10.
DH and I both try as hard as we can to get them to feel at home in our home as we have them 60% of the time. We coach and voulunteer at their school, go to all their events, make sure we are there for them, give them everything they need...etc. No matter how I drive myself nuts trying to do whats best for the kids, they are never happy. They tell me that they dont want to spend the weekend with us becuase they would rather be with mom...the oldest blows up at us when we are going through her homework, accusing us of blaming her mother for her bad grades when we dont even say a word about BM. She has even started marking her homework assignments with "moms" house and "dads" house. She constantly feels the need to defend BM...we cant even ask them simple questions about what they wore school or homework assignments without them feeling like we are blaming BM for something and we NEVER bring up BM. I even get blamed for doing their hair because "mom doesnt like the way you do our hair". We always get "its not moms fault" or "mom didnt know she was suppose to do that", etc.
To add to the problems with SK's EVERY TIME DH calls BM about something I get blamed. She calls me ugly, tells DH that I am jealous of her, says Im mean to the kids, tells everyone that I have turned DH in to an A**hole, etc. Im really depressed...I want to move on and get back to a healthy place with the kids but I am constantly in defense mode because of the way BM and SK's act. Any advice?
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Thanks for the advice, Kat.
Thanks for the advice, Kat. Im just getting to the point where I am exhausted from being the better person. I go to bed in tears nearly every night because nothing I do works. I can hardly function in the appropriate positive female role that I should be for them. I dont know why they feel the need to defend her, my guess is that she is talking to them in an inappropriate manner but she swears she has never said a negative thing to them?!?!
I have tried to project positive feelings about BM when she does positive things but that doesnt seem to be working either. I almost feel like I dont want to be in the relationship anymore...even though it isnt DH's fault and he has tried hard to improve the problems with the marriage, its just so hard to get beat up on every day in my own home.
The best advice I can offer
The best advice I can offer you is this... You should never have to hear anything that BM says about you. WHY oh why would your husband tell you that BM said you were ugly?!?! I told my DH years ago that I didn't marry, procreate with, divorce, or parent with that nut. Therefore, she needs to impact my life as little as possible. BM is DH's problem to deal with completely. If she calls DH to complain, he can deal with it. If he feels she has a legitimate complaint HE can address it with me from HIS perspective. Never is he allowed to tell me it came from BM. Because frankly, I don't care.
When the kids say "well, mom said..." just reply, "if your mom has a problem she needs to talk to your dad about it". Eventually they'll quit telling you about it. Refocus their attention to the task at hand. If the skid blows up at homework time and says you're blaming mom, just say "that's ridiculous, quit getting distracted and get back to your homework". Or better yet, put DH in charge of homework.
Good luck, I know how hard that is!
Kat, you are an inspiration!
Kat, you are an inspiration! I will try the list thing...sounds like a great idea! I hope to gain only half the insight that you have as time goes by!
Thanks to you as well Abalyn. The reason DH tells me these things is because he kept them all from me for 3 years...UNTIL we ended up in court and I had to hear all of these things for the first time from the lawyers. You cant even imagine my shock at having to defend myself against allegations that I didnt even know existed! I made him promise that he wouldnt keep those things from me, even if it is meant to protect me, because Im sure we will end up back in court and I dont want to be put it that position ever again!