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Undermining all.the.time

Cover1W's picture

So anyway, YSD18 will be at our home Mon - Weds this week, then not again until early August due to DH's and BM's schedule, then she goes to college mid-August.

First Item;  DH and I discussed the freaking trampoline and YSD is supposed to have an answer for us whether or not to sell NOW, before she leaves for college or not. If we sell it, she pockets the cash. If she doesn't sell and DH won't agree to sell it I'm moving the entire thing to the very, very back of the property and hope it rots over the winter. And I will either sell or get rid of it next summer. I'm ok with this option for myself. Done and dusted and I don't have any more decisions to make about it. I will not prompt YSD or DH about it. So I know it'll move to the very back in August.

Second item: Cleaning up (note not cleaning out) YSDs room. She is a pack rat, a neat one, but still she's got stuff squirrelled away everywhere. Craft things, junk, empty boxes, cardboard pieces, too small clothes, etc. I also noted she's taken a LOT to BMs, i.e. clothing she can wear. She's only got a few things left here. I told DH at lunch today that I was gonig to put two boxes in her room for her this week, "donate" and "trash/recycle." She can put things in them when she's here, until she leaves for school. Everything else she can keep. DH practically jumps down my throat, "...But we don't want her room changed!" NO DH, we agreed one year, that's not a problem, but she does need to get rid of things she doesn't need/want.  "...But I don't want her to feel she's being kicked out." FFS I'm NOT doing that, she should be going through her things since the next time she's here it'll be for Xmas!  "...But (woe is me I have so many issues already with my daughters) don't tell her you are using it as a guest room, don't tell her this that or the other thing eitther!" OK, DH, I won't do ANYTHING then, we'll just lock up her room and NO ONE can use it ever for the next year but her. Is that what you are saying? "But no, that's not it, just don't upset her."  FFS I'm only asking her to put things in one of two boxes. If she doesn't I WILL go through things because we need a dedicated guest space! You are framing me as the horrble step-mother again, like I don't have any say or only bad intentions! He finally relents, but I'll bet you all $500 that once I tell her about this plan, and she has until she leaves for college to do so, that's it's NORMAL to do this general clean out, that she'll complain to DH and then viola nothing will be done. And I will clean it up anyway and by this fall, or when we have guests after she leaves, I'll move my office into her room - I can easily move my desk out of there if she visits. DONE and DONE. No more discussion other than to give YSD the boxes on Monday/Tuesday and walk away.


thinkthrice's picture

The perpetual SHRINE!  The trick is not to say anything to DH.  Now the trampoline is obvious, but I would be telling DH that it is an insurance liability and we have to get rid of it stat!   All the other things just v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y start getting rid of them one by one.   In a year's time I guarantee he will never notice and most likely she won't either.

JRI's picture

Your SD and my SD62 must be terribly sensitive snowflakes cuz I, too, am often cautioned not to "upset" poor, sick SD62.  I think you can tell by my posts I am a very tactful person but apparently my remarks are much too brutal.  It is so aggravating cuz I'm usually telling her a truthful fact, certainly not my real opinions which, I agree, would certainly upset her.


Rags's picture

Emotional attachment to trash. That is an odd thing to me.  We move so often that we have evolved to get rid of just about everything except for any high quality expensive stuff we added while living in a place.  That has resulted in a decent sized home with very nice high quality things as we have no room for crap.  

My IL clan has the keep the crap virus.  To the point that stinky collapsed cheap furniture is kept because it was "Grammas chair", etc....  That goes until I am there and have had enough of the crap. I then purchase a replacement that is new, decent quality, and I dump the crap and put the new furniture, etc... in place.  I get a tight jaw glare for a few days, then silence, then before long how much the new stuff is enjoyed starts to come out.

I don't ask. I act.  So far, I get some pushback from some of the family for not asking. Interestingly the person everyone gets their skivvies in a twist over me not asking rarely has an issue with it. At least they do not say a thing to me. Including thankyou. Though the thanks do come down the road.  

The Horder piles of crap eventually grow to overwhelming levels and when it has to be dealt with under threat of fines, etc... it is a tear fest, "but that was (fill in the blank) thing!" emotional shit puddle. So much of the stuff is not even actual belongings. It is decades old bill files, school records of deceased predecessors, etc....  Not furniture made by a special person, or a favorite hat, etc...

When my GPs passed, there was none of the go through each piece of paper, etc, etc, etc... it was a quick review, keep this, trash that, and get on with it.  I am generally the keeper of the family memories and had a number of important meaningful items to find and preserve. The best example is my GM's ship yard welder/s license and a hand made slag hammer my GrandDad made for her stamped with her name.  My GM built liberty ships during WW2. Yes, her name was.... Wanda. She was truly Wanda the Welder.  My GrandDad was a foreman in the ship yards.  There are other things I highlighted to keep that make up notable family history items.  Not junk. Though there was plenty of that as well.

So, start the one bag a week get rid of the crap effort.  I would donate the tramp and get it gone If it was me. 

No discussion, just gone. If anyone asks, just tell the truth. "Oh. No one gave an answer so I donated to a charity."


AgedOut's picture

" I would donate the tramp and get it gone If it was me. "


because my brain said "but her Dadddddddyyyyyy will miss her, his own personal Pigpen." 

Yesterdays's picture

I would donate the trampoline as well. I always say to my kids if you want to buy that (sort of thing) when you're ah adult you can buy it for your own house. 

Yesterdays's picture

I was gonig to put two boxes in her room for her this week, "donate" and "trash/recycle." She can put things in them when she's here, until she leaves for school. Everything else she can keep. DH practically jumps down my throat, "...But we don't want her room changed!

Ummm... Ya... You don't want it changed sure... But you're literally talking about donate and trash stuff. Things that people periodically go through in their lifetime... Stuff they no longer need or use.... (and there's probably lots). It doesn't make sense to have rooms "frozen in time" for absolutely no reason.

It seems like he's holding onto the nostalgia (and his baby kid) and the memories.. Which is normal to an extent however people grow up and times change.

Im not sure of your plans for the room and whatnot however to me if you're keeping it as a room for her to return to on some weekends then maybe it makes sense to have a bed, and maybe a shelf of some of her nice belongings... No clothes kept there etc.

Just a few framed pics and nice things and donate or send the rest with the kid. As they grow up their belongings that they want to keep should go with the kid (imo)

As soon as I moved out my mom sent pretty much everything with me. As in here's a box bring it with you when you leave lol. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

I never kept a room for my 3 kids when they left. My DS34 went to college in 2008. DD30 wasted no time moving into his bedroom in the basement. When she left for college, DD28 moved into the basement bedroom. No shrines kept.

My DS34 has never moved back home. My DD30 is only here with me temporarily.

I think this is just a case of daddy doesn't want his pwecious poopsie to be upset. Grow a pair, dude.

Yesterdays's picture

I won't be keeping a room either. I would probably have a guest room with just neutral stuff/decorations. I'll be sending my kids stuff with them when they have their own place. Going to college will be a bit different probably. When they have their own place for sure

Covers husband is just over the top.. Can't even get rid of old belongings, trash and donate ANYTHING??? Keep giant trampoline in yard for kid going to college? Nuts 

Cover1W's picture

I KNOW AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I know it's related to OSD's rejection of him, he's said as much. So it's deeply psychological. And he's always made the "parenting" like clear with me. I'm not. So I don't. Then he wonders why I don't have a good relationship with his's impossible. Disengagement has been the best for me.

AgedOut's picture

The day my youngest moved out, he loaded the truck with his things and we hugged him goodbye and off he went. He forgot something and came back later that day and we had already removed the bed and were setting up book shelves. He's like "really Mom?" yup! 

advice.only2's picture

My DH was like this he wanted to leave Spawn and BD’s room exactly the way it was, half of the room was all Spawns crap, and she hadn’t been to our house in over a year.  I think it was right after she graduated that I went in and began boxing up all her stuff.  I boxed up everything, used period pads that had been rotting under her bed, poopy underwear stuffed in drawers, a purse that had a rotted Lunchables in it, a big, huge hair ball from her brush shoved in her drawer.  The list of disgusting stuff I found goes on.  I boxed it all up put it all out in the garage and then gave her dresser to my best friend for her kid.  The mattress for her bed was stained with period blood so my best friends husband took it to the dump.  I had the whole room cleaned up and re-arranged before my DH got home that day.  When he came home, he was really upset, and I told him that if Spawn showed any inclination of coming back to visit, I would pay for a new bed and mattress and all her stuff was just packed up in the garage.  Well shocker Spawn never came back, but she did reach out to DH and asked for all her stuff.  I guess she was really surprised when he dropped off all the neatly packed boxes, I just wonder if she ever actually opened those boxes to all her surprises she left behind.

Cover1W's picture

So after sleeping on it, I decided to not say ONE WORD to YSD about it. She won't do it most likely and DH will support her and basically tell her she doesn't have to anyway.

So once she's gone, I'll go in there and clean up all the obvious recycling / trash. She's neat so it'll be easy. The worst thing in there is a pair of old worn out sneakers. Then I'll make room for guests by boxing up the craft things/kids books so I can move my desk in there easily when needed. I'm ok with leaving the room as "hers" for one year as agreed to with DH, but it WILL be used when guests are here - period.

No discussion, pure disengagement.

CLove's picture

I remember going through this with SD25 Feral Forger...

She had the room with the best light in the entire house & sunsets(!). She spent the majority of her time with us in there and it was trashed with the funkiest funk you ever smelt.

She graduated and had just turned 18. Attempted a summer of 2 classes at community college near to both our house and Toxic Trolls previous apartment nearby. THEN she got a job a few towns over (aprox 32 miles away, and no driving and how could she possibly bus it...!) and ghosted us. 7 months went by and only a text here and there when husband reached out.

7 months after ghosting and only 1 time she showed up at about 2-3 am to collect christmas cards (ca$h) and then left again.

January. It was a time of clearing and cleaning. Husband came up to me and stated "Im doing a dump run, do you need me to take anything?" I gave him the LOOK, and opened the door to the Feral Forger shrine to her ch!t. The wave of funk emanating out turning us a little green.

So, with husbands agreement, we took out a queen electric bed base, stained mattress, two dressers, a mirrored vanity, a chair, bags and bags of trash. I binned up what looked like she would want to keep. 7 years later I still have it and want to pack it up and send it along...

That weekend, SD18 PPSDN wanted my help after seeing what I can do, with her room, and all evening she dragged bag upon bag out and down the hall where I had designated a spot for trash and another for donate. LOL. That night she started her period. Talk about commemorations!!!

SD25 Feral Forger apparently got mad that I "messed with her stuff"...but she hasnt asked for anything back...

And I made that room MINE.

Time to redo it Im thinking.

Rags's picture

We moved a couple of weeks after he left for boarding school. When he moved home for his last semester of HS we were in a different home, town, and state.  His room still had his furniture in it and clothing. All kid crap was long gone from the move a year and a half earlier.  We moved again just after he graduated from HS.  We bought a house a few months after we moved.  We move overseas a few months after he shipped out for USAF BMT when he was 18.  Since then we have lived on 3 continents, a number of countries, and in who remembers how many homes.  Other than pics, we have almost zero items from his childhood.  He has a table he made in HS shop class, DW has a dragon mug he made in middle school, and a couple of art work pieces. That is it.  

Occassionally DW has a crissis over not feeling settled. I feel bad about that, however, she then aligns on the amazing experiences we have lived.  Those I do not regret which tends to mitigate the regret I have over our transience.