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YSD18 Next Visit Upcoming!

Cover1W's picture

I realized she's only been here three times (two?) since Xmas holidays.  That would be a total of 4-6 days in 5.5 months.

The school's event DH was going to go to last week was cancelled. Did YSD call or text him to let him know the day before? Or that morning?  OF COURSE NOT. So DH arranges his long day, and finds out about the cancellation word of mouth mid-afternoon. He tried calling YSD and texting her multiple times to confirm the cancellation and to find out if she had some time to go out to dinner instead.  Nothing, zilch. He ended up somehow talking with BM and BM made her contact DH. Also BM apparently is a bit worried about YSD's social issues too because she warned DH that there's no getting her to a restaurant, even the ONE she likes (she will only do takeout). That'll make for an interesting college experience. Anyway, DH ended up not seeing YSD at all (because she had to write an essay for her college that was due Friday night - Right, riiiiiiight - total lie b/c she would be at the school event otherwise) - DH was pretty mad at this point, and because he could have been having fun with me and some friends I went out with!

He also found out BM and YSD already have plane tix to go to the college moving in, a week before classes start. YSD hasn't said a word to him about this. He's trying to decide whether to go, I'm encouraging him to go, or if YSD is going to ignore and shun him. Well, that's another notch on her "going to get DH mad belt" for sure. AND he suspects OSD may be there too, HER college is only 45 minutes away (imagine that!). Who cares DH - you GO.

SO - DH is going to have a talk with YSD this weekend about her attitude towards him and her lack of communication and rudeness (2nd convo about this!  He did super good with his last one...I personally think it's too little too late since there was no expecations even when the SDs were kids...but you never know I guess). He's going to lay it out that he's paying for half of her expensive college costs so she doesn't have any burden and she'd better start actiing more grateful and talk with him about what's going on or he will pull his support for further years. She's also expected this summer to decide what she wants to keep and what to get rid of. If she doesn't, then we will. I agreed with DH to keep the room as "hers" for one year (really, it can be a guest room anyway too during that time) and after that it's going to be my office / extra guest room with the current bigger 2nd bedroom as a full time guest room so I don't have to vacate it when we have people staying with us.

And NO MORE TRAMPOLINE!  We're selling it at the end of the summer or earlier if she doesn't use it when the weather is good.

It'll be an interesting Father's Day Weekend!  And don't forget, DH is expecting her to stay the night on Sunday since she's done with school...graduation is the next day in the evening...any bets she's going to freak out and she cannot stay on Sunday?


la_dulce_vida's picture

ICK! These crappy kids. I feel badly for your husband, but he had a hand in choosing the BM and parenting his kids, so....

Cover1W's picture

Yeah the trampoline was bought for her when she was 16! DH was pressuring her to pick a big gift...and YSD hates being asked what she wants. I think she chose it because of fun memories of one when she was younger. I was 300x against it...besides, she never has friends over.

I cannot overstep with DH and his kids because he wants authority as "dad" so i cannot sell it now, but if it's clear she's not coming over much by mid July and doesn't use it on nice days, I'll put it up then.

Her lovely almost new bike...which she likes and has used more, we'll see. She doesn't want it at college. If it sits through a full year here I'll sell that too.

Rags's picture

Rather thn pulling support for next year, tell her she calls M/W/F and meets him for dinner whenever he says, and she spends half+1day of every holiday with him or she gets cutt off immediately.  Also, she gets nothing until she shows him grades of Cs or better.  She takes out loans and he pays them off at the end of the semester when she performs to the above standard.  If she cries "Then get the money from your mother."

Kids like this get nothing up front. They sign the loans, they perform as stipulated, or... they carry the loans.  One semester at a time. Full compliance, or not a Cent.  They wanna play kid games as supposed adults, they can live adult consequences.

I know this experience. I lived it myself.  I was in some ways... that kid.

Cover1W's picture

Well, she's going half way across the country so there's no way he can just take her out. And you cannot force an 18-19 yo to go with you anywhere. I think he will see her over the holidays, she's always been conscientious about that.

She'll get very high grades I'm sure, no issues there.

DH and BM have always catered to the SDs (who are super smart, high academic performers but both with social issues) and there's no way I can change this dynamic or have any say over anything but for how it directly effects me; i.e. physical things like the freaking trampoline. If DH's school costs get to be too much and he starts not having enough for expenses THEN I'll have a basis for that talk. I have to let this play out because it's usually been in my favor to do so.

Rags's picture

Even top academic performers who have no social skills struggle in careers.  Unless they are work alone technical wizards that just take someone sliding lunch under their lab door and let them code, or design.

One of my fomer companies had a Fellow track where highly technically proficient individual contributors could reach executive levels without running organizations.   If the wizard introverts can find that type of opporrunity, the sky is their limit.  If not, many struggle mightily and are miserable professionally.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Sounds sooo familiar. My SD18 is exactly the same way with her DH, yet she expects him to pay for half her college. She can't even be bothered to talk to him on the phone, or she makes excuses like "I have to poop." 

Ugh. Its so disappointing to watch the smartest of the bunch of them act like a complete idiot and self centered fool.  

Cover1W's picture

OH MY GOSH I totally forgot to add that while talking with DH (reference original post above) he said to me that if he had to do it all over again he'd CATER MORE TO THEM and do what they wanted so he could at least have a relationship with his daughters.

I stared at him and asked if he REALLY thought that would be the answer?!  Yes, he would.

I said, well, I would not have stayed with you then, I would absolutely have left you.

He didn't have an answer to that.