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PAS and the Effects

Cover1W's picture

My OSD17 is PASed and we're now into the 4th year of her leaving our home for good with only mostly minor interactions with DH (none of which went well due do OSD's attitude) and now 2 years of absolute silence from her.

DH was ok with Father's Day coming up but I knew better. Father's day, birthdays and holidays are the WORST. He says he's ok until he starts pacing and is all stressed and he says nothing to me (also, the house becomes a mess = distraction) until he blows up. He does see a therapist but I seriously don't think she's helping or understands the family dynamics involved.

My stance on this whole this is classic PAS. A SD with a LOT of entitement issues and emotional issues whic heffects all of her personal relationships. Combine this with a lack of boundaries and clear rules/ramifications for her behavior and blam: lots of problems. She also, we know, runs a heck of a lot of BMs house - no boundaries. I don't see her talking with DH at least into her 20s and maybe even longer. He says, as he's said before, he'd prefer just to move out of the area and leave it all behind, but of course take me.  We've discussed this before that he has to have a PLAN not just up and moving...FFS.

DH does NOT accept this. Nor should he, but last night he made it clear he wants to solve it, "bring it to a head" as it were. I could only listen and hear him out and provide gentle feedback. He told me he did NOT blame me for anything but I didn't understand as I came from and intact family (as does BM he noted) and knew nothing about his childhood and bad split family problems (they were) but he didn't want HIS current family like that now. So read...."I want the family unit I desire" which in my opinion will never happen.

After he got all that out of his system, he said he's going to start contacting BM's other family members.  He wants to appeal to their (particular religous) beliefs and intelligence and rationality. I warned him if they tell him to stop contact he MUST stop as I don't want him accused of harrasment (yes, I think he's at the point he will have a hard time letting go). AND I told him the most likely scenario is he hits a wall of silence. And he has to be prepared for that. And this could possibly drive OSD further away and cause YSD some strife.  He acknowledges the PAS but does not want to accept that 'that's all it is." He's not able to iterate what he means by that. 

While I am worried for him, I'm hoping that this latest scheme goes through ok, that silence is the answer. I suggested he find a new counselor because I don't see him working through this in a healthy way nor is he moving towards acceptance and patience and treating this as the PAS that it is. I suggested more reading for him. He also indicated that he's thinking of writing about his experience which I thought was a good idea (he's a writer) and that may be the best way he can work this out.

He was on his own vacation last week (he does a one week vaca by himself once a year which is totally ok with me) and now he comes back like this. So this will not be a fun week. I'm going to a friend's this weekend (he was ok with this when it was planned as it's FD weekend) and I'm certainly not cancelling that - I'll be back for dinner on Sunday anyway...might pick something up on my way home actually. So yay PAS.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

It sucks. That is the only thing that anyone can really say. These BM's f**k up their kids heads so badly all to hurt their exH's. It is sad and pathetic and should be a crime. I am so sorry you husband is dealing with all of the emotions still. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Oy. I don't think this will end up well for him. And in total agreement with Gimmy. 

Cover1W's picture

I just realized I need to contact his sister and let her know.

She's going through really bad PAS with her SD6. Her BM is crazier than most, really, really bad so sometimes she pulls DH out of it.