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OSD - trip on

Cover1W's picture

So many of you know the saga of my OSD.  Has spoken to DH one time since April, in order to blame him for everything she thinks is wrong. Otherwise it's been silence (through his birthday, father's day, holidays, her birthday, etc.) from her.

So we've been planning a trip to Europe to visit his family since November.  DH and I discussed and agreed that OSD could come if 1) she interacts with DH before the trip and prior to us purchasing tickets by 'x' date 2) I, Cover, do no pay for one iota of OSDs expenses, nothing 3) I do not plan anything 4) I do not parent nor make decisions regarding skids during the trip.  He agreed.

So DH finally tells me, almost a week after he found out OSD did in fact want to go on the trip, that OSD was interested in going. (his sister told me prior to this)  This prompted a long discussion.

I said that it was fine she came as it wasn't my decision, but reminded him if she goes I do not pay for her or take any ownership of planning, etc.  He took offense to this. I reminded him again that ultimately I have no control over this situation. He admitted that there's always a chance she could change her mind or that if she continues the silent treatment he will not have her along, but he views this as a 'chance at reconciliaion" (as predicted) and a way to get in with her again. He seemed to calm down until I added that he also needs to check with the airline about what happens if OSD doesn't go - does it cancel all our tickets or just hers?  Then he started accusing me of being unsupportive, that he wants to feel like I have his back and I'm always criticising.

Which changed the entire conversation.  I don't cry often, but man, I broke down.  We had a good talk about how to react to one another (I do admit I can be critial and very blunt - I don't varnish the truth) and he takes things too personally.  I also told him he has NO IDEA how I feel and who has MY back?  I'm the one who must wait for him and SDs most of the time, or I cannot deterime whether the kitchen is clean or not - then how do I live for myself?  He has no idea, zero, about how hard my situtation as a fracking step-mom is.  He said, "Yes, I do, I had a step parent..." NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN A STEP-MOM...I have no one iota of ability to make decisions about the SDs - I always go through you - you can undermine me, outright ignore me, do nothing, etc.  I am NOT their mother.  They are like nieces to me.  And I did not birth them, I did not raise them.  I met OSD when she was almost 10 already - I have no input into her early childhood so don't tell me I have any motherly role at all.  I will not pay more for them, I will not do special expenses, esp for OSD moving forward. Etc., etc.  Thank goodness for this site for giving me the language to talk about this.

He seemed to actually be listening.  And he said he wants to understand more about the step-mom role, which is fine and dandy, if you do the work on it (and himself first - without him getting HIS needs figured out he cannot put himself in my shoes for the most part).  He agreed that he should be the main planner for this trip as it's to visit his family (like I do the planning when we visit mine).  I will not pay for OSD if she goes.  I will not interact with her but to be polite.  My only requirement for this trip is to have one night away with DH alone (skids with his sister for a night).  That he pay the joint cc back immediately for the plane tix cost I do not cover.  I bring my own funds for the trip for my costs and he does the rest.

We have tix booked now.  So the trip is on.  I'm looking forward to going, but with some trepidation...it's like good/bad. 

Comments

Monkeysee's picture

I hate that argument - ‘I know what it’s like to be a SP because I had a SP’. My response, oh yeah? So then do I know what it’s like to be a mother because I have a mother?

Funny how quickly people realize the flaw in their logic when it’s spelled out like that.

Im glad you had a good chat with DH & I hope he genuinely heard you. I’d be nervous about how it’d go with OSD (convenient she wants to come despite NC since April...), but I’m sure you’ll still have a fab time.

Cover1W's picture

Yes, it'll be fun no matter what, esp. since I don't have to do all the planning.  And his younger sister and I get along extremely well.  We'll be staying with her family.  She IS a step-mom too in a very similar situation with her OSS.  She's been super supportive.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Oh, please. That's like saying I know how to be a teacher because I had one. Or I know how to be a pedi/manicurist because I had one. He may as well compare apples with rock salt. There is NO comparison. And everyone's stephell is different.

Did he have his little hissy fit because he doesn't WANT to do all of the planning??  It doesn't matter if he's a passive parent - his circus; his monkeys. If you aren't there, he HAS to step up.

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, I called him on it right away.  No hesitation.

I think he was saying that because HIS step dad acted like 'his dad' and took an active parenting role; that he was reacting to the fact that I was saying I have no role in raising OSD or any parent feelings toward her and have zero say in anything that's gone down with her. He's told me before his SD never said "they aren't my kids" - well, I've pointed out, your mother let him, had pretty much 100% custody but for some each summer, and your dad lived in another country.  But that is nothing like my situation. And I do think that he thinks because I'm there that I will be the "mother" part of it or the other parent - but he doesn't treat me like it in the end, so I'm not. And I'm not helping with this one. Line drawn hard. 

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

But that is nothing like my situation.

DingDingDingDingDing!!!!! And THAT, DH, is the difference. Apples and rock salt. The poopie head.

notasm3's picture

He was offended that you did not want to pay for OSD.  What a a$$hole.  Why would you pay for his pathetic crotch dropping?

SS34 had this idea that anything that I owned was fair game for him to take and use.  Fortunately my DH did not ever go along with that crap. 

Cover1W's picture

He actually accepted that part. It was my relunctance to happily accept the situation he was unhappy about.