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Trip Up?

Cover1W's picture

Sooooooo, DH received a few texts from BM this weekend and one doozy from OSD(15) as well.


BM apparently told him she and OSD ‘had a lot of talks’ this weekend about the situation with DH.

She mentioned that OSD’s ‘decision’ was ‘the best she could offer at this time.’


OSD’s text was basically telling DH he could take her to a movie this coming Saturday.


DH was NOT HAPPY.  BUT on the plus side, we were able to have a really good conversation about it.

First thing was, after he was done ranting about the BM and about OSDs attitude of privilege and getting ready to text BM back, I told him to set down his phone.  “Why would you want to contact BM after what you just said about her and what she is participating in?  I’ve said a million times that you should not trust her, you don’t, and then WHY are you trying to communicate with her again?!”  He put down his phone and agreed to sleep on any answer or response to BM.


Then on to OSD as we discussed…

*So the best she can offer is a couple hours of a movie SHE wants to see, that she gets dropped off right before and picked up right after.  How do you talk there?  You don’t – exactly what she wants.

We agree on this 100%.

*And then the ‘best she can offer at this time’ is measly two hours after almost a year now of not talking with DH – so, how does she turn that around into a 10 day vacation abroad?  She doesn’t.  I think, DH, that she has zero intention of going on this trip at all.

He pauses, but thinks this is a rational assessment.

*And if she does come over for a weekend at our home (which I don’t think she will do) then what are the requirements for interactions?  And if she does come, and her attitude stinks…it’s still no trip.

He has thought of this and has a plan.  OK, good.  But he’s also aware she hasn’t for one iota insinuated she’ll step foot in our home.

*And if she doesn’t trip is still off for her. 

Good.  He’s sticking to this.


This morning he let me know that he thought about it.  He’s going to let her know he’ll take her to a movie IF she has dinner with him first.  “She has to learn to communicate and compromise,” said DH.  And if she doesn’t agree to dinner (we don’t think she will), then no movie and no trip.


So guys…what say you?

  1. OSD agrees to dinner and movie but won’t come for weekend; no trip.
  2. OSD states only movie and no weekend; no trip.
  3. OSD has no intention of going on trip in the first place.
  4. OSD magically reforms, apologizes to everyone, and goes on the trip and we all have so much Fun!

Addendum:  We also discussed YSD(13).  DH is going to have some serious talks with her this summer about what high school she wants to go to.  If she goes to OSD’s high school, near BMs, then we will move.  She has to make a decision one way or another over the summer due to logistics.   Tours and enrollment at the high schools start late fall/before holidays so DH needs to know over the summer. 



Harry's picture

No trip for SD until she becomes a person.  No trip this year. She can not give everybody, you and DH a hard time and expect to be rewarded with a trip.  If she changed maybe next year.  If not no anything next year 

Cover1W's picture

He's got massive guilt - mostly from his childhood and his "choices" he made when he was around her age.  I really do think he's not taking her...hoping for this hugely.

Notup4it's picture

The thing is is that chasing her hasn’t worked for him..., so he needs to stop. It was the exact same with my stepkids too- they are alienated fully now but for a long time they would give these tiny crumbs (most likely BMs idea) so that they kept being chased- we can visit but ONLY for an hour, we can go to a quick movie, and they wouldn’t even talk or would be snippy and hostile and DH just would feel worse. 

It was always a fight to even get them to do that.  The only person who gets enjoyment out of the scenario is the alienating BM.... the kid doesn’t want to go, and the parent just feels like absolute crap.

i actually think it is a tactic in some instances to keep the alienation strong and growing.... if they just never say the other parent then at some point the kid might feel guilt or start to question the alienating parents motives- this way the war is still kept fresh.

Cover1W's picture

We actually talked about this, not in so many words and well put as you did, but this idea did come up.  Thank you.

tog redux's picture

I wonder what BM would do if SD made a "decision" not to go to school anymore? Oh, right - she'd make her go.

Just like she could make her go to DH's if she didn't so much enjoy using her as a weapon against DH. My SS was alienated for 3 years, so I've been there. DH needs to let OSD know (NOT BM), that he's decided that it doesn't make sense for her to go on the trip given how angry she is at him, he's sorry, he'll miss her.

Then drop it. Don't try to get her to come over, or see a movie or anything.  Text her every now and then with a "hi SD, hope you are well, love you, Dad" and let it be.  She and BM are having soooo much fun with all this power and control. Take it from them and get on with your lives. Let SD come around when she's grown up a bit. And IGNORE BM.

Notup4it's picture

This is totally what I would do. It got so distressing watching DH pretty much grovel and fight to spend even an hour with them.

The message that it sends to these kids who are developing personality disorders enforced and encouraged by the BMs is atrocious.  These kids think that they can defy authority and that they are higher “ranked” then the parent. They also think that they are so much above everyone else that not getting their attention is punishment.

It is sad and hard because they are kids, but the path they are on is just so repulsive. They know they are hurting someone and getting pleasure out of it. 

It also would make me sick thinking about borderline GUBM being over the moon happy controlling those little pitences.... like handing a little cracker to a starving man.  You know that BM won’t ever allow the kid on the trip too and will do whatever she can to stop it.... they love the chance to be able to ruin plans. To get hopes up only to smash them..... it is their only joy in life.

Cover1W's picture

I've advised him EXACTLY all of what you have said, but he thinks it's too harsh.  THEN he gets frustrated and upset and threatens to run away, i.e. "I've had it, we are moving away back to X country, I can't take it."  Then he calms down and it all begins again.

He tried talking with me again last night about another 'version' of how he sees it. I let him finish and said, "Whatever you think is best."  He was a little upset that I "... just sat there and didn't say anything, give any input or even disagree."  Well, DH, I told him, I'm kind of done with this situation.  I've told you many times what I think, and however you choose to look at it, I cannot change anything, I have no say in it at all.  He said, "Yes, you are done with it, that's ok.  Thank you."


tog redux's picture

He needs to let it go and get some distance. My DH used to react like that too when he was still trying to "fix" the problem. Once he let it go, he was so much happier and more relaxed.  So when SS came back around (they usually do) he was able to deal with him and BM without so much reactivity. 

Good call on just disengaging youself and letting him manage it.