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No more dinner!

Cover1W's picture

As of yesterday I will no longer make dinner when SDs are with us.

DP got a little annoyed last night because I did not make sure SD12 had dinner. We had earlier mutually agreed she was NOT sick after staying home from school for a couple days. She only ate snack food and stayed in bed and used her electronics ... Which DP knows now is a problem but does nothing so I say nothing.

So yesterday I was home first darn it. I asked how she was (tired and cold), took her temp which was normal, gave her more water and told her her dad would check on her when he got home. He is worried about her (as I've said before she has food issues, I think related to extreme picky eating: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/03/01/pickiness-the-secret-ea...).

DP gets home and checks on her and comes to me and asks if I knew she hadn't eaten all day. (Ignoring the empty chip bowl and plate with Nutella remains next to her.) No, I did not know, she asked me for water and said nothing about hunger. He was clearly upset. Whatever. I told him there were several things she could eat. He ended up fixing her something. And I overheard him telling her she has to stop eating junk food for meals and told her nutrition is important. She said, "But I don't like that stuff." Which is true, she will starve rather than eat it (see link).

DP eventually got a list of foods she wants him to get for her: salmon, smoked salmon, sushi salmon eggs, frozen waffles (white flour), etc. All either expensive or really, processed crap. She does eat corn and cauliflower (if roasted). He proudly told me she DOES eat different things (not really) and he'll go to store to make sure she has them. I said that's fine, go for it.

So with her for options I'm letting DP take over dinners with them. He needs to see, again, why cooking two (or three!!) meals at a time is not feasible.

Comments

Gimlet's picture

Cover, I had to do the same thing and it's worked out well for me. SS15 has the same issue, there are a handful of foods he will eat. He has seen the doctor and a nutritionist, and they both just said to focus on calories and make him take vitamins unless we wanted to get into more intense therapy, which SS15 wants no part of (he sees a regular therapist for other issues).

I make a healthy dinner for me and FDH and FDH handles the processed BS that SS15 will eat (he also likes salmon, which is weird to me since it is such a strong flavor). If components of my dinner are ones SS15 will eat, I will make enough for him.

I stopped being upset that he was throwing food away, and placed it back on FDH to handle and it's going a lot better.

Cover1W's picture

That's pretty much what I've been doing. I make one dinner for me, DP and SD9. There's always something that SD12 can eat w/in her limited "food selection" on the table. But apparently, DP now thinks it's not enough.

DP has refused to see that she actually has a problem with food...he continues to think it's normal picky eating, which I don't believe it is. My sister was a picky eater and SD9 was a picky eater until this year and grew out of it. SD12 still has the diet of a 5 y.o.
Therapy is not an option for DP.
SD12 refuses to take vitamins of any type because they don't taste right to her.
(I don't get involved in that discussion at all, she could take capsules)

So if he's going to tailor dinners around SD12, then he can do so himself. There's been several times I haven't eaten what he's made because it's so bland and full of olive oil and/or butter I can't eat it (for noodles). So it may be the case I'm more on my own for dinners which is fine, so long as I can cook, because it's like a tornado hit the kitchen when he's done cooking.
I make healthy, yummy food from scratch. SD9 loves it. I think he's going to see that SD9 won't be eating as much...

Gimlet's picture

Yeah, she is worse than SS15, who will try new things, hates 99% of them but will take his vitamins while making terrible faces the whole time. I would say your thoughts on the issue are pretty accurate.

Yes! I am a very good cook, I make healthy meals and I don't want to eat crappy food because SS15 won't eat my good stuff. My FDH also makes a mess in the kitchen and frankly isn't a good cook. I love to cook and I want to eat my scratch food, and so does FDH.

LOL, buttered noodles. So many buttered noodles. I'll make scratch pasta sauce or pesto, and just leave noodles out to butter for SS15.

Good for SD9, it's always nice when your efforts are appreciated Smile

Gimlet's picture

Same with my DD, she took care of meals and the house when I was finishing my degree at night. She was completely flabbergasted when she saw that neither of the skids can cook anything, although the older one is better now.

This is an point of contention with me and FDH, who has great intentions and terrible follow through with teaching SS to cook. I think it's for the good of the kid to learn. He is making him sign up for home-ec class though, so I hope that's a start.

Cover1W's picture

With SD12, I think it's beyond picky eating and is actually a disorder. My link in the OP has the information about it.

Yeah, because he was not happy with ME, I'm done with it.

Cover1W's picture

Actually, I do think it's an issue.
She has a few OCD things going on as well, but I dare not ever bring those up, but DP is noticing lately.

Seeing and experiencing how SD12 reacts to food vs. SD9 over the past two years has been eye-opening.
Both used to be extremely picky on the same level.
After working with both of them, at the same time, with the same foods, same everything, SD9 never reacted the same way as SD12 did. I've done a lot of reading about SED and the potentially related tactile OCD issue and it clicked for me. What's helped SD12 is following SED guidelines about how to make sure kids with this eat - and it works, without catering to them.

DP, since he doesn't think there's an actual problem, is going to go back to catering to her. Which is the worst scenario since it doesn't teach her independence or control over her own food choices when at a table of food she didn't make or choose (like at a restaurant or a friends home...both major problems for her); a major problem as these kids get older and her peers start noticing (and they have, she's told me her new friends think she's weird that she won't eat normal food).

Teas83's picture

I'm with Lady on this one. It just seems too convenient that she's got a "disorder". Of course, you know her better than we do but she sounds pretty manipulative.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Good for you!!! I am food free now as well- don't even have to make Thanksgiving or Christmas anymore. SO is going to handle all menu planning for his kids and cooking. After Christmas I was done with trying to appease them and their processed food menu so I told him no more for me. I am super excited, one because I don't have to cook and I get to watch him try to do it. Should be great entertainment watching his face when they b**** about his food.

GoingWicked's picture

I don't cook for my SD because she tosses what I fix her anyway. But I do buy her food she can fix herself, cereal, ramen, mac and cheese, canned goods, that way she can eat it or I can donate it if she doesn't. So my DH told SD all the those foods I bought for she's been eating are bad for her (true, but she doesn't eat otherwise) -- so now she takes 2 bites of what he fixes (if he fixes anything), tosses it as soon as he leaves the table, then goes on and eats candy and twinkies for meals instead, and because he doesn't fix her breakfast, she's had nothing but candy for breakfast every morning ever since.

ybarra357's picture

Sushi salmon eggs? Seriously? Hell you can pick up salmon eggs in the bait department at Walmart for pretty cheap!! Blum 3

Cover1W's picture

Yes. I almost laughed when he said that.

She finds *one* new thing she sort of likes, and she tells DP who latches on to that one thing as proof that she "eats different things." No, she eats less than 20 foods in all. Salmon eggs is NOT a major protein source and I'll bet you that she'll fix herself rice and salmon eggs, eat half of the container over the course of about 5 meals and never finish it. Container will have to be thrown away and she'll not ask for them again, falling back to her routine of plain rice, plain noodles, cup o'noodles, and mac-n-cheese (specific brand, boxed). It's gotta be sweet or salty or she won't eat it.

I'll be watching the dinner making with bated breath. I know he's going to ask me for help but I simply won't do any cooking/meal planning. I don't mind helping prep within reason, but that's as far as I go.

WalkOnBy's picture

I wonder what she really means??

Salmon sushi?

Salmon roll?

Salmon roll with roe on top?

Sushi salmon eggs - HA!!!

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.
She's had them in tiny quantities once or twice.
I think she'll likely make rice balls, then dab on a little salmon eggs, and viola - salty rice.

Cover1W's picture

See that's the problem with this.
Sweet/salty is a very basic food/eat drive, along with fat. So if the "wires" are crossed, if the foods don't meet the "junk food palate" - which is the POINT of the junk food but most of us can control what we eat - then the person can't eat it. To get ANY food in them, the choice of food items is severely limited and they must eat what they eat.

1) a person with this problem WILL STARVE rather than eat a new/unknown food. Yes. SD12 will do this no matter how hungry she is. SD9 will not do this, she'll eat it even if she doesn't want to.

2) Veggies/fruit taste "rotten" to the person, explained by adults with this disorder. I have asked SD12 to taste many veggies/fruits and this is exactly how she describes them. Usually these people will eat ONE or maybe TWO carefully selected fruit/veggie and that's as far as it goes. I have seen her try a veg/fruit and run to spit it out before she vomits. Seriously. SD9 thinks this is crazy too.

3) there are therapies that do work, but the problem usually has to be caught before the kid is around 6-7 when people usually start naturally trying more food. SD9 is picky, and started growing out of normal picky eating in a big way when she was 8.

4) this is not limited to food. It effects toothpaste flavor/texture, floss taste, water taste (yes!), limited drink intake (mostly just water), vitamin taking, medicine taking, candy choice (we limit sweets and although she is drawn to candy like a hawk she's simultaneously very, very picky about what she'll eat for sweets), and it goes on. It effects EVERYTHING she could put in her mouth...which may be a good thing in the future LOL.

I won't argue this any longer, because I experience this all the time when SDs are with us, but those who have kids, or skids, with this problem do recognize it as more than just lack of being presented with food choices when young. It's like saying oh, your kid isn't ADHD, they just need more discipline and firm parental guidance.

Problem Eating (SD meets ALL of these)

Eat less than 20 foods
Eat fewer and fewer foods over time until they are limited to about 5-10 foods they will eat
Refuse foods of certain textures altogether
Will eat one food over and over, but unlike picky eaters they will eventually burn out and not go back to eating that food again
Will not accept new foods on their plate and will not tolerate even touching or tasting a new food
Cry, scream and tantrum when new foods are placed on their plate
Are unwilling to try a new food even after 10 exposures
Have a rigidity and need for routine/sameness during meals
Are inflexible about certain foods

They can be helped with therapy and parents who offer consistent support with food choices/independence, however they are never "cured."

Picky Eaters

Will eat less than 30 different foods
Will eat one or more foods from each type of food texture
Will have one favorite food that they will eat consistently, then may burn out and not eat that food, but after 2 weeks will resume eating that food again
Will accept new foods on their plate and willingly touch or try new foods
Will eat a new food after being exposed to it at least 10 times