You are here

BM Entitlement

Cover1W's picture

Um, Wow.

BM, since just before we were married in Sept., was on about me contributing to the SDs expenses and so forth, yeah, no. DH effectively shut her down on that. Then she got all into not wanting to pay for her half of their insurance premium (which is currently on my plan at work, because it's super affordable and really good coverage which I did for DH when he lost his) and why don't I just pay it.
I told DH that if she pulls that then I will never, ever cover them again and they will be off my plan in a hot minute once our open enrollment comes about (soon!).

So "um, Wow." Was all I could say for a second after DH told me this whopper this weekend.
Discussing misc. stuff regarding his CS payments and budgets, he says, "I didn't tell you but when BM backed off you paying for stuff for the SDs, she alluded to the fact that you could help pay for college or something."

WTF? Um, no.

This got me thinking that BM, who is notoriously cheap, is perhaps investigating the state laws regarding support. And maybe some of her family members are encouraging her to do so. So today I double checked the law and nope, my income has nothing to do with it unless I become a "parent" (i.e. DH gets primary or full custody) or DH requests a support modification. Otherwise, the documents can be requested but are explicitly left out of any calculations and can only be requested in specific circumstances.

DH will be relieved. But it also means that if HE wants a modification (he has 49% custody per the CS order, but it's really 50/50 - I've told him to track each and every time SDs are here and he'll have to prove it) my income would likely be pulled into it. And he's not going to like that information.

BM cannot request my information nor can she request a modification due to my income unless I'm fabulously wealthy or win the lottery or some other crazy income change - and that's also rare. And I'm not wealthy. LOL.

I told DH, "You know what, that means I'm for sure dropping SDs off the plan 6/30. I want zero ties to the SDs financially like that. No contracts, no verbal contracts, nothing. Has she even paid you yet for this month's half of the insurance premium? No? Then if she doesn't pay up, and don't you remind her, you made it clear it's due first week of each month, that also causes me to drop them."

She's very nice on the surface but she's pretty much made sure I'll have nothing to do with her any longer.


DaizyDuke's picture

Why does this woman think YOU should be fiscally responsible for HER children? Does she have a husband who is shelling out money for skids or something? Where in the world would she come up with these hair brained ideas?

Cover1W's picture

1) She's cheap
2) Wealthy father and siblings who help pay for various things
3) Unmarried, single; but she did say to DH during these fiscal conversations about my income that if SHE had a partner she would expect them to pay for the SDs.


Cover1W's picture

Exactly! It's saving her hundreds of dollars! I never even get a thank you!
She's seriously not wanting to pay $70, $70!, for her share of the SDs premium cost.
Ok, then, I drop them, have a good time paying that $300+.

I have to say my DH has been very supportive of me in all this. So I'm not faulting him at all.

Cover1W's picture

She's the one named on the CS for providing health insurance for the SDs, not DH.

DH is afraid to push back as well but he's starting to re-think things lately.

TwoOfUs's picture

I'm always amazed by this stuff. My BM hasn't flat out said anything like this, but she does seem to think that "we" should pay for everything skid-related in addition to CS...and she has to know that I'm a part of that "we" and that I make more than DH. It's like she just expects it...I honestly don't know where people get off. She has also gone directly to DH's parents without talking to him first for big requests for the kids. Man, he tore into her for that one.

After a couple years, I separated finances and started making sure that I am fully funding my retirement directly from my personal account. I still cover more of the household bills, but at least now DH and I both see clearly how much more I'm doing...and he's a little more reluctant to spend when he hasn't been contributing equally. Before, all money just went into this big, mushy pot and he always grossly overestimated his share of that...

Cover1W's picture

That's why I've never combined accounts with DH. We have one joint "household" account for joint bills and home expenses we contribute the same $ amount to. I file taxes married but filing separately as well.

Ninji's picture

DH and I already pay for everything for Skids and by DH and I...I mean mainly me. Even with that, BM thinks I should pay more out because she thinks I'm rich and I'm high society (whatever that means). Just because I work for the government does not mean I'm rich. And if I didn't pay for the kids she popped out, I would actually have some money.

WalkOnBy's picture

Your income likely won't come into play if you "become a "parent" (i.e. DH gets primary or full custody) or DH requests a support modification," either.

Your husband getting custody of his kids doesn't magically make you a parent. Similarly, if he were to request a support modification, your income is off the table.

Check your laws again and look for these things - it is highly unlikely that she would be able to get her stupid mitts on your money.

Cover1W's picture

Here's the quote:

"Sources of income and tax planning...the court may deviate from the standard calculation after considering the following: income of a new spouse or new domestic partner if the parent who is married to the new spouse or in a partnership with a new domestic partner is asking for a deviation based on any other reason. Income of a new spouse or new domestic partner is not, by itself, a sufficient reason for deviation."

"Some of the items a court can consider in deciding whether to deviate from the guidelines are: income of a new spouse, new domestic partner or other adults in the household (but only if a deviation is being requested for a reason other than the availability of this income); a particular source of income is not a recurring source (i.e. overtime, bonuses); extraordinary debt not voluntarily incurred;..."

BM has used almost this same language found here: "If you take that child into your home, and your new spouse basically assumes the role of a parent, a duty to support that child may arise." LOL. I asked if I was adopting them or being named a guardian - was BM going to agree to that?

WalkOnBy's picture

and here is the relevant part of that "Income of a new spouse or new domestic partner is not, by itself, a sufficient reason for deviation."

I don't see anything here about the stepparent acting as a parent...what am I missing?

Cover1W's picture

Yep, I know she cant' say anything now about my income because she's made it clear in texts and emails that my income is the motivating factor. I need to remind DH to save those things forever....

oh no, it doesn't apply - only if custody goes to DH would my income apply and I "assume" a parent role. So that would only be relevant if BM gave up the SDs, we took them in and she has to pay CS to DH. Not gonna happen.

Cover1W's picture

We discussed that - I wouldn't be able to live with him b/c we have a little thing called domestic partnership on the books here and that counts as well, or it turns into common law marriage, which also counts.

I'd have to divorce him and move out which neither of us wants. (we did discuss it so good on us!)

Cover1W's picture

No, I don't think for any second she'd give him custody legally (at least right now - however her daddy big bucks paid for the horrific divorce attorney she hired who went after blood so DH can't ignore anything she says)....BUT we have discussed the fact that either SD might want to live with us for longer periods since we are very close to the school in our area (where both SDs will attend starting next year when SD11 moves to our school district for middle school), esp. after they are both in the high schools.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm reading this that the spouse's income can be considered if their partner is asking for a "deviation" from the usual child support guidelines. If he asks for a modification that is within the normal child support guidelines your income would not be taken into consideration.

"the court may deviate from the standard calculation after considering the following..."
"Some of the items a court can consider in deciding whether to deviate from the guidelines are"

Icansorelate's picture

It definitely depends on the state. I was told by my attorney that in NJ, college is the one time a stepparents income CAN come into play.

My ex BM (who does not believe I am ex but I am)...thinks my income should support her

WalkOnBy's picture

right, but that has nothing to do with family court, or the legal obligation to support a skid.

WalkOnBy's picture

yeah, but that is not something a court can or would order....

Obviously, if they use the parent with the smaller income, the potential for aid goes way up.

WalkOnBy's picture

yeah and if any kid EVER said that to me, I would tell them to go jump in the lake.

Also, said skid would not get one thin dime from me.

No skid or kid is going to tell me how I am going to spend MY money.

ESMOD's picture

I also covered my SD's on my plan at work. My DH was required to provide insurance for his girls... It cost about 500/year extra to have a family plan vs just a plan for my DH and myself.

In your situation, are you asking for half the total cost of the premiums.. or just half the difference between what you would pay if they were not on your plan?

TBH.. I would look into what the alternative is for the kids and what your DH's responsibility will be because your household could end up net worse off.

I get the frustration as BM in my case also on occasion wanted to reach into my pockets so to speak. I did actually cover the girl's medical costs a few times when DH and BM didn't have the money.. but it wasn't something I was told to do.

I cared about their well being and I always made it clear that if I did something it was voluntary and my choice. I would very clearly let BM know that you have no obligation and anything you do is out of the goodness of your heart.... period.

Cover1W's picture

I am asking for half of the SDs premium cost only. $70 per month.
DH covers the other $70 plus his share which he pays to me (actually, he pays all of the difference so BM really owes him).

The kicker is BM IS ON THE CS AS THE PRIMARY INSURANCE PROVIDER. When the CS was made her insurance was super cheap. It's gone up and DH agreed to help provide it. DH lost his job about a year ago and went contract - so no insurance coverage.

DH wrote a very good email to BM a couple months ago about how it's none of her business what I do and don't do, they aren't my kids nor my responsibility. If I choose to do things for them it's not a requirement but because I want to (like buying a coat or new shoes - which I've stopped doing since BM's attitude reared up).

She seem to not have heard that of course. And not understand that I don't need a bigger house like we have or have to pay half the mortgage of it, or half the food bills or electricity, etc. DH heard that loud and clear and was in agreement with me. Told him I'd be happy to sell the house and downsize to a two bedroom to save $...

WalkOnBy's picture

wow, you are being more than generous. If she is the one who is supposed to cover them, I would let her do that Smile

Cover1W's picture

Yes, because I have a good plan and the SDs can get good medical/dental/vision insurance.
And BM doesn't seem to get that.

I told DH that I don't want to remove them from my plan but I dam sure will if she continues the games she's playing.

SM12's picture

You are doing great stopping this from the beginning and not learning the hard way like many of us.

Our BM carries the health insurance (at least she does now after the judge smacked her down for not covering them) because it costs way too much through DH's job. BM gets extra CS each month because she has to carry them on her insurance. During the time she thought she was slick and took them off her insurance, the OSS ended up getting hurt and needed surgery. Anyway, during one of my and DH's discussions regarding this, I offered to cover the SS's on my insurance. I was already on the family plan so it wasn't going to cost me much more to add them. I told DH that one of the requirements for me doing so was that he had to take BM back to court to get the CS lowered since she was not covering them any longer. He was too afraid of BM to do this so I refused to cover them at all. In all reality, I am thrilled he refused. I don't want intertwined with that mess.

z3girl's picture

I'm in NJ, and thank GAWD my income was not needed when SD went to college! BM did put in court docs that DH had to buy me a new car, therefore he must have the money to pay for more of SD's tuition. Um, I paid for my own car! Doesn't matter, judge didn't even acknowledge that argument. Only cared about DH's vs BM's income, and didn't even care that with DH's higher income and our lower standard of living left him with more money; only the ratio of their incomes mattered. Thank goodness!

notsobad's picture

"DH had to buy me a new car, therefore he must have the money to pay for more of SD's tuition. Um, I paid for my own car!"

What is it with these women? Why don't they think we can buy our own vehicles?

BM here didn't take it to court but she did tell the skids and anyone else who would listen that DH bought a brand new $50K car for his new family while his kids had to share her pos.
Sorry, lady I bought that $50K car myself and yes my kids get to drive it!