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Another Update

Cover1W's picture

I've been enojying other updates and since I haven't really posted much on my own since May...

OSD (16.5) continues to be PAS'd. DH has heard nothing from her since April 2019 when we returned from taking SDs on an overseas trip. He has been continually contacting her via text or email, no responses. He sent her $100 (!!!! WTH?!) for Xmas, no thank you ever received. His therapist is helping him with his emotions about this and he's better, but I recently had to tell him that he needs to be more 'present' around the holidays, his birthday, Father's Day, for YSD and I. He becomes withdrawn and angry. He heard that so that was good; his bday is coming up so hopefully he'll be ok then. He had one last gasp at getting OSD to an outstanding therapist but BM again refused to 'make her go.' I don't talk too much with DH about this any longer and he does harbor hope that BM will eventually help (HA!) or that his family members have some sort of sway with OSD.  I think that once OSD leaves BMs (if ever) and gets out of her teen years she may come around to talking with DH but I don't think I'll trust her ever again as I've seen her be just downright nasty and vindictive.

YSD (14.5) is here 50/50 week on/off still.

The week on/off is better than the 3 days/4 days EOW schedule when school was in session. It's more consistent. But the transfer day is STILL a weeknight around dinner time so DH has to log off work early and then dinner is late. I told him that is ridiculous, schedule it AFTER dinner or on Sunday evenings, or during lunch or something but "YSD wants it this way." You know, because they get what they want. I told him if he's ever later than 7:00 pm getting home there's no way I'm waiting for dinner again. Not my problem.

Her ankle issue seems to be resolved. She's telling her friends( (two of them) it was broken (it wasn't) and is getting a lot of sympathy and she eats it up. She continued to ask DH to massage it for her, as it was a legit part of her PT when she was having problems, but he stopped that last week by telling her NO.  And then he told her, "I want to spend time with Cover, I spent time with you this evening but now I want to see and talk with Cover." Wow - that was great! She's still refusing to do some physical activities, but again, not my problem.

Still has no chores - she continues to keep her room clean and does her laundry, but anything outside of that nada. DH does not make sure she helps other than to sometimes set/clear the dinner table. We've had discussions about her involvement as 'part of the household' and although I tell him part of that is NOT just the fun stuff but the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the yard work - all of which she can participate in but he continues to make it a choice for her so of course, she opts out. So he does her part, no my problem.

She has not yet chosen a high school - DH and BM and YSD had a phone meeting about this last week and it's still not resolved. She's enrolled at both school districts. I overheard her talking with one of her friends the next day (my office is right next to her room and while I don't listen in, I try not to and play music a lot, sometimes she's talking louder than others) and she said she 'didn't understand why everyone cares so much' about her choice (her friend was asking too!). That she doesn't need to make a decision until mid-August so she's "not going to." I told DH and he thanked me and said, "then I'm done trying." Good for him! 

He's also taking seriously my suggestion he look at the signs of autism in girls (even mild) and how they manifest. DH and I contiue to work on his ADHD and my resonses to his ADHD ("ADHD and Marriage" book) and it's a little stalled due to his lack of moving forward in the book. I've reached the first exercise and told him that I was not going any further until he was caught up and ready to do that excercise with me. Clear expectations.  He's going to hate that exercise because it's a week long tracking of what we each do around the house and the time we take doing all those things; mine will be hours long. I'd say we're in a pretty good place. He's respecting my boundaries with the SDs, sometimes not understanding what I need to know (i.e. what effects me directly like schedules) vs. what I don't need to know (about BMs reaction to an email or something), but we're working on that pretty well. I remind him it's not because I don't care, but because I do care and that he's not allowed me a parenting role and spinning my wheels is not helpful.

Meanwhile, he asked me to 'go do something' with YSD today because he's working a long day. He suggested something that will take hours. Um, DH, I don't have TIME to do that (yah know, because I'm working too and have a 'deck date' scheduled with my neighbor this evenign) but I can do X instead, will she do X?  DH:  Sure!  Me, in my head, yeah because the last time I suggested this it didn't happen, so secretly maybe it won't in the end...I'm ok doing it IF she goes because I'll have fun anyway as it's something I enjoy (exception to disengagement) but FFS - she's 14.5. Why does he have to make sure she 'does something?'  We ALL get this!  It's sad because I see, and I know DH sees as well, kids from around the neighborhood all doing things - neither SD ever tried to make friends with the nieghborhood kids (what is with that?).  Not my problem.



missginger's picture

Your last paragraph is my life. DH is constantly either trying to plan things for SD16 or feeling he needs to be right next to her the entire time she is here. He says things like "Ok Sd lets go drive the golf cart" or "Ok SD lets play darts" "Lets play cards" "Lets go to the store". I find it so annoying but at least he isnt trying to force me to join in (like he used too). And she did try to make some friends in the neighborhood but it was very obvious that after hanging with her a few times they didn't to be friends with her. She's sweet but my guess is she was boring and acts younger than her age. 

Cover1W's picture

He makes sure she comes out of her room for entertainment and dinner only. Never for other more mundane family things which drives me nuts but which I have disengaged from.

Amazingly, she agreed to help our neighbor with a teaching project and she's over there now.  *shock*

We did go for our outing and had a good time; good thing I could choose what, where and how.  Amazing how this works isn't it? Giving SM the control and it goes pretty darn good.

tog redux's picture

My DH has not gotten a Happy birthday, Happy father's day, or Merry Christmas in 6 years - and SS20 has been back from alienation for 2 of those years.

He really does need to figure out how to let go and focus on what he DOES have (you and YSD).

Cover1W's picture

Actually he is doing better about not fixating on OSD overall, and is totally scared YSD is going to choose the school closer to BM...which IMHO is not the better school for her; works for OSD but cannot see it working for YSD, but you know, not my issue. Anyway if things are virtual this year, or mostly so, either school is a draw with YSD only marginally more at BMs or marginally more here. And either school district can reallllllly mess up the online teaching so that's a draw too.

YSD doesn't have any chores or anything 'unpleasant' to do becausd DH has literally said he "wants to make sure she's comfortable here." Yeah, and I have actually been hiring more people to do stuff here and just told him I want the housecleaner once a month not every other.  That is my choice to you know, make sure I'M comfortable here.

missginger's picture

OMG!! DH has said the same thing to me about wanting to make "SD comfortable here". Like yours - she does keep her room clean and do her own laundry but that's it! Hleping with cleaning up dinner is about 50%. Adn God forbid she ever cleans her own bathroom!! I love your comment about the housecleaner. I thing I may try that, DH ha offered to get one inthe past but I have always said no. Maybe I need to tellhi (like I did a month ago) that when school starts this yea I expect to clean her own bathroom. If he doesnt make her maybe Ill tell him I need to get a housecleaner once a month...

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, she's helped clean HER bathroom maybe 2 times in 4 years? I stopped, literally stopped going in there unless the housecleaner has cleaned it. And DH pays a little higher % of that housecleaning cost BTW.  The houscleaner has really helped me deal with the mess because I don't have to spend hours cleaning any longer. It was too exhausting and while DH helped, he didn't do the real work, just ran the roomba and maybe mopped the kitchen floor once in a while.  OSDs NEVER EVER have to help clean common areas or help with regular household things like taking out (even their own) trash, recycles, bring in mail, etc.

strugglingSM's picture

Is she really enrolled in two school districts? Typically to enroll in one school district, you need to unenroll from your previous district. The new district usually makes a request from the previous district for records and if the student hasn't unenrolled at that point, that action would unenroll them. That doesn't mean they can't reenroll, but especially when it comes to public school districts in the same state, they are pretty strict, because they can get dinged by the state, if it is perceived that two districts are collecting funding for the same student. 

I have similar struggles with DH and his ADHD, but he's usually pretty good about spending time with me when SSs are here (in part, because SSs are also going into high school in the fall and they spend most of their time complaining or fighting, so he needs a break). 

I'm lucky that DH does not expect me to do individual things with SSs. He used to plan things for himself on weekends with SSs were with us (usually work related) and expect me to entertain in his absence. I've since told him that I'm not a babysitter, so if he's not around, I am the responsible adult present, but I go about my day and don't go out of my way to entertain. 

somethingwicked's picture

I'm exhausted after reading this little update from your Stephell life.

Your DH should daily  kiss your hem and throw rose petals at your feet because you are so good, so supportive, so strong for him and family. And you also set the record straight..reality is what all these guilt ridden daddees need.