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Stupid Argument

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Submitted by CompletelyPuzzled on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 9:53pm

So today, my DF and I had a stupid argument. We were talking about stepkids. And DF states that he thinks of my kids as his own, which I find sweet. But lets face it, I don't relate to his feelings...at all. He sees my kids half the time. My ex doesn't interfere with our daily lives. He pays his child support on time and stays out of our lives. However, BM is constantly interfering in our lives and poisoning his kids against him. And, I only see his kids a few times a year. I like his kids. I really do. I mean we have problems with SD7 sometimes, but they seem like good kids most of the time. However, I don't think of them as my kids. I told him that I haven't bonded with them enough to think of them as my kids. I explained that I have spent such limited time with them that we haven't built up that kind of relationship. And, its hard to get close to them when there mom is constantly poisoning them against us. He got upset with me and stated that we should think of the kid as our kids. Am I wrong for being honest with him? I have read so many stories on this site and I know that I have a better relationship with my two SDs than many stepmoms. I told him that I look forward to watching the girls grow up and I will try to be fair to them. However, I refused to promise him that I will love them one day. He seemed upset and told me that it is because he wants us to be complete family. I think he is being unrealistic and has to realize that step families are not easy and do not happen overnight. And yet, I still feel like the bad guy. Anyone else have this problem?

Comments

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 3:51am

I think you've been honest, and he's being an idealist. Like many divorced Dads he feels guilty about his broken family so he want to 'fix' it by giving his children a replacement mum and a new 'complete family'. I doubt he really does love your children like his own, but he wants to imagine that he does because it's all part of his fantasy. Some of its good intentions, some of its unrealistic expectations, but it's all high risk in terms of the likelihood that things will not live up to his imaginings, leaving him angry and disappointed and focussing those emotions on you. Your approach is healthier and more constructive and less likely to lead to resentment and conflict.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 4:20am

my dh tried to use the "I love your kids like my own" too. he's a liar. no way possible. he wasn't there when they were babies (and that's when most of the bonding occurs - it's SCIENCE). he is unrealistic. tell him to educate himself, then throw these expectations of you. it may not "feel good", but it is what it is. all he should expect from you is kindness towards his kids. good 'nuf.

kellyyy's picture

Submitted by kellyyy on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 7:43am

My DH is like this also. I think they want us to bond more with their kids so we will act like their mom and take care of them. I tried really hard but actions fromskids and BM made me never want to try again. I disengaged and avoid them like the plague. I dont like spending time with them. Dh can't get it through his head. He gets mad everytime I leave while they are around. he says he is ok but I know he isnt. I hope he deals with it soon.

StarStuff's picture

Submitted by StarStuff on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 11:30am

I don't think of SD10 as "my own". I didn't birth her, didn't know her as a baby/small child. I met her when she was 6 and when she was 7 my DH got full custody of her for about 2.5 years. SD's BM turned her life around and has been back in the picture for the past year; yesterday my DH gave up his full custody and signed the 50/50 custody agreement, which makes me happy. We've fallen on hard times and DH and I are currently living with my mother while SD finishes the school year with her mother...basically trying to keep SD as stable as possible (she's had a rough time growing up).

You can reinforce to your SO that you do care about his children; you're not saying that you hate them, but some relationships take a while to grow and you're open to whatever the future brings. I do care about my SD, want to see her do well, etc, but there is just no maternal bond for me. I'm expecting my first at the beginning of August, so I'm excited to experience the bond that I'll have with my child. I hope your SO can understand that you mean well...you're feelings are totally normal and legitimate.