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A Monday funk...

Colorado Girl's picture

This may sound so silly and I am the biggest preacher of "you make your own happiness" so if you're not happy, adjust something in your life and then just be happy.....so I need to take my own advice.

I know. I know.

But I am finding myself insanely jealous of "first" marriages. My best friend in the world is married with a beautiful little girl and plans for another one very soon. All the parents on my son's soccer team are still married. They have the same marital problems as me just no BM breathing down their neck. No child support arguments, no phone calls allowed from an ex for either of them, no neurotic woman screaming at DH at a game...you catch my drift.

Granted, I know that things don't work out in marriages and I would never want to be married to my ex, but I wish DH and I would have met 10 years ago and had our own children and lived happily. I also know the logistics of this wish and the improbablity of it. I know that I am a different person because of all that's happened to me in the past 10 years and that we love each other now because of all our experiences and blah blah blah blah.

I'm just tired of having BM invade in on my happiness and watching the disaster that resides in my household. Their children are constantly suffering and statistically are probably going to be very resentful young ladies. Ugh. I feel like my true happiness with DH is accomplished when ALL the factors of his past life are absent....watching a movie and listening to his contagious laugh, reading the Sunday newspaper and discussing an article, him playing with my hair and whispering how beautiful he thinks I am, bike rides at a normal ADULT pace, and so on and so on.

I dreamt of this kind of love I have for my husband. I am just terrified that this dream has turned into a nightmare that will never end, even when the children are grown and living their own lives. I feel like she is going to be a constant thorn in my otherwise mostly perfect life....

Comments

sixxnguns's picture

I have been thinking about the same things for the past couple weeks...as long as BM and SS aren't around things are good..but everyday somehow either both of them wiggle their way into our happiness and ruin it...and I know it shouldn't bother me but I honestly think sometimes if he would've never reproduced with her we wouldn't have to deal with her...

Colorado Girl's picture

be like those V8 commercials and just bonk 'em upside the head and ask them what in the hell they were thinking procreating children within such a toxic relationship?

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

sixxnguns's picture

me and fiancee had this conversation the other night..he was telling me that things started to go sour between he and BM BEFORE FSS was even a thought but he STILL had a kid with her so that's his issue and I asked him that exact question "What were you thinking?"...I don't understand how you can plan a child with anyone you're having issues with..having a child doesn't make a marriage better when it's trouble

Sasha's picture

My DH had a second child with BM even though they had already been separated and things were bad. His excuse? He didn't want the first child to be an only child. Whatever.

So now he has two kids who hate him instead of one. Good thinking, DH!

LVmyBOXERS's picture

and mom already had SD. Band-aid number one. Then they decided to have another but he said after a week they decided it was not a good idea. Too late. Band-aid number 2. He said things went bad after BM cheated. Of course he did not find out until after she left him. But your right, children do not fix a bad marriage. Now he has the worlds most expensive band-aids.

Georgie Girl's picture

It is an empty, sick sort of feeling. I would love to have a marriage that wasn't tainted by ex wives, skids, and visitation schedules. However, the only way I could ever have any of that again would be to be with my ex and I would rather be hit by a bus than be married to him again. *deep sigh*
So every now and then I have to torture myself with just how lovely it is to have that wonderful little (first)family that grows together and where everybody belongs. Blech.
Then I remind myself how great dh is and how happy my life is with him in it. Someday the skids will move out and hopefully with that the contact with bm won't be necessary. Who knows maybe mil will quit with the snide comments too.
Until then, there is always red wine. Smile
Georgie

Colorado Girl's picture

It's what keeps us all going, I think. A hope that the kids will be grown and it will be over. I just keep seeing all these posts with grown (step)children and the BM is STILL a constant presence.

So when does that day come? When we're old farts sitting on our porches rocking in crickety chairs...then will I finally be at peace?

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

need2vent's picture

when we were little and thought, dreamt about our lives it just did not look like this
. Heck my marriage was kind of like my pet situation, when I was a little girl I always imagined a sweet, devoted adorable ,affectionate dog to love and love me , instead I ended up with a snake! LOL(my son has asthma and thinks he wants to be a biologist/herpatoligist.

"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard

LVmyBOXERS's picture

when I was little I dreamt of this perfect husband and we would have these perfect children and live in a perfect home. And what did I end up with. A very, very good husband (at least that part worked out), skids and an ex I wish would just disappear. Maybe once we have our child things will be a little closer to what I imagined. Why can't we see into the future so we can make more informed decisions?!?!?!?!?!

Colorado Girl's picture

the other day and walked by a psychic's office and SERIOUSLY considered stopping. Maybe she could see into my future better than I can because everytime I think I've got it figured out....BAM....some other drama swings my way.

Crazy, huh?

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Sia's picture

I know how you feel..Sometimes I feel like if I had it to do over, knowing what I know, would I? That's really hard for me to say seeing as how my boys are so great. The Skids and BM I could do without! I feel like my kids don't get the attention they would otherwise have gotten. How fair is that to them? Sometimes I think I might leave him to get away from the pressure, but who does this benefit? Not my boys, for sure. I love my DH dearly, and wouldn't want to leave, but it is taking it's toll. I totally get where you are coming from and feel your pain!

debiamia's picture

Before we married DH told me that BM would "calm down" within a year or two. BM continued to stir the pot causing disruption in our lives. The crisis never ended nor did the barage of abusive phone calls, demands for money and attention continued. DH assured me that BM would calm down "soon"now that she was remarried and had someone to help her with the girls. Not so. "Soon we will feel like a real family" he told me. Never happened yet. The ten year mark came and went with no noted progress towards the family goal. BM got wilder and more out of control. Then she began attacking my BD and expected SD20 and 16 to join in. DH decided BMhad gone to far and stepped in to protect OUR household. It worked! BM gave up that battle then went into her next fighting mode- to ruin our relationship and discredit us as parents. I have given up my fairy tale ideas and am much more pragmatic.It was a nice dream and when we are alone WE still have those dreams, memories of trips together with NO phone calls from BM. We have built a buffer around us. A cell phone just for skids and exwife to call but NO ONE knows our private number except the few we have chosen to give it to. We no longer answer the cell phone on Friday evenings (funny she always seems to call when she thinks we are alone) and Saturday mornings. We are very close to being free of her forever. If the skids want to be a part of our lives then so be it,but if they don't- that's sad but we can accept it.

Colorado Girl's picture

awaiting those days when my phone will just stop ringing and when it does I don't have a feeling of dread. My cell phone has a special ringtone just for her (Eminem's - You Make Me Sick to my Stomach }:) ) so when it rings I always know that's it's not her if I don't hear that chorus. I'd like to have that same convenience in my home as well.

I would love to build that bubble around DH and I. Now there's a task for my bucket list....

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Sita Tara's picture

The Dark Side theme from Star Wars as BM's ring on his. I think that was the title of my first post. But yours definitely describes how I feel when I hear it ring.

I don't have a ring tone for her because even though she should have my cell as SD has used it to call her occasionally, she NEVER calls here on it.

DH has a special ring tone for me on his cell. It's "Turn me On" by Norah Jones, ...I'm just sitting here, waiting for you, to come on home, and turn me on...." He likes it when I call and he's in an informal meeting at work. He always tells the guys, "Ummmm... I'm sorry I need to cut the meeting short and get home!" Once the guys found out I picked it out for him, they were all jealous, and one said he needed to go smoke a cigarette after hearing it!

Peace, love, and red wine

Seasons's picture

I have been really busy in my little world of thoughts trying to cope. I haven't had the time to write in. I have been really concerned about a lot of what I read and I just don't know what to offer right now... I come from a divorced home and my family is just a mess. I now have the beautiful engagement ring and I just feel sick. How pathetic I just don't even want to plan a wedding... How do you say I Do for the third time... Especially signing up with the skids, and the stress of marriage. I see the posts and it just scares me. I really understand everything that I am reading and it bothers me... Because I know that I am just right there with you...

Colorado Girl's picture

I wish I could've been as informed as you when I decided to get married. I can't say I wouldn't have forged ahead but I would've done so many things differently.

But don't be too discouraged by my ramblings (or anyone elses). I don't usually come here and rant about the wonderful things he does. There is a lot of goodness in my marriage still. Just recently I came home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a poured glass of wine and a card that let me know he validated a lot of what I was feeling at the time. He still thought I was over reacting, but he just wanted me to know that he was listening, trying to work it out and most importantly still loving me.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

sarahbernheart's picture

CG is so very right, we come on here to vent because we feel safe and it helps us not feel so alone about what is going on in our lives. My FH is a great guy and he is a good dad. I love him with all my heart but because of the great advice I have had I think I am going to put our marriage on hold.. Not JUST because of his kids but because of our lack of communication too. I do not want to rush into another marriage and I guess this "trouble" gives me a reason to wait. Take heart and if you have to wait to get married that is not all bad.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

stepwitch's picture

Colorado Girl, most honest soul, I tried hard to come up with some good advice, but couldn't think of anything. I am my DH first wife, but, Our first child, was his second. THAT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO BE SICK TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THE PROCREATING PART. I hear ya. But there is one good thing, our husbands know they screwed up (literally) maybe it was a Jack Night - who knows, but they finally got it right with us.

Monday will be over in 3 more hours, hang on - Tuesday will be better!!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

sarahbernheart's picture

this is such an awesome website ..I have read all the responses and am so happy to be a part of all this. CG like everyone else, I love my FH heart and soul and know (if I could still keep my Bsons) I would go back and marry him and not my ex...My FH said he never loved his ex (she got pregnant out of wedlock at 18 and they were pretty much forced to get married) but then I ask him WHY did you have more kids with her..he said she tricked him b/c she was afraid he was going to leave her..(she was supposed to be on birth control)and like you when we are not with his Bkids are days are fun and sweet and almost perfect. then like all good fairy tales there is always DRAMA to make the perfect couple unhappy.
My aunt who is very smart says if we can get thru the teenage years without killing them, then we have accomplished something. she was married several times...with TONS of step kids. her advice was you dont have to LOVE them you should respect them as human beings. or like the uncle you never really liked but comes to the parties anyway and your mom makes you be polite cuz the uncle is kinda retarded!!
HA ..go ahead and feel what you feel you are a great person and this will pass.
we are here to lift you up!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Colorado Girl's picture

although I'm sure he drank plenty in the meanwhile. They were together 13 years and married for 8. My husband is one of those that (over)stayed for the kids and catered to her, worked hard and did the best he could for a woman who is incapable to see past her own front nose. That's how it is with her, NOTHING is ever good enough. His marriage to her was tainted by so many issues stemming from her mental illness. I just don't understand why it all needs to overflow into my current marriage.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

klinder180's picture

Its a combination of the weather and this time last year was when we were told my father was passing away Sad

Kevin

Colorado Girl's picture

My dad is ill as well....cancer.

I'm not handling it very well either. Sad

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

frustratedinMA's picture

I have those thoughts all the time.. More often lately.. I look at my girlfriends.. and am jealous of their marriages. They dont all have "happy" marriages, but they certainly dont have to SHARE their spouse w/another family.

I got so mad at DH 2 nights ago. He had been throwing up all day, and had been in a car accident 3 days before that.. So I go out to shovel, because he was so sick.. I come in and he tells me how he tried to call the skids but they were at a friends house.. then he goes on to tell me, so yeah.. I told BM how I had been in a car accident and was throwing up all day today.. I just about hit the ceiling.. WHY WHY WHY does he feel that is ANY of her business?? I asked him that, and asked if 1 wife wasnt enough. 1 person taking care of him wasnt enough? and should I start calling some ex bf's and letting them know what is going on in my life???

Needless to say, I was angry. This isnt how I pictured my life when I was younger.. I was never married before my DH, and will never know that feeling of being a 1st wife. Of it being just me and my DH until WE decide to have children.

Its not the weather for me.. I think its when DH does stupid crap like that, just further reminding me that I am not the ONLY woman in his life other than his mom.

LVmyBOXERS's picture

"This isnt how I pictured my life when I was younger.. I was never married before my DH, and will never know that feeling of being a 1st wife. Of it being just me and my DH until WE decide to have children."

That is just really amazing. I have said and thought this more than once. Why can't I have the life my parents or my friends have. Getting married and not having to incorporate my DH's past life into MY big day. Having money to do things like trips or home decorating instead of paying CS to my DH's past life. Being alone all the time until WE decided to grow our family instead of having DH's past life invade our space. Why? Because that is the choice I made I know. But then again, we really had no idea what choice we were actually making. I had no idea BM or anyone could be so cruel to her own children just to get back at DH or myself. I had no idea kids actually grew up to act the way I see skids act. I had no idea that once person or one little tiny comment could be as devastating as the Atom Bomb. I also had no idea I could ever love a person as much as I do my husband. So, I guess to get that kind of love I have to take the other? WHY?? Why can't it just be us and our boys (2 dogs) in our new home. WHY, WHY, WHY! Stupid girl...

Colorado Girl's picture

the unpredictable. You can't imagine these women doing something you would never do. So a lot of us end up just standing there speechless with a bewildered look on our face. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've said "WTF!?!?!" in the past three years.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Colorado Girl's picture

not only do I feel like I am not the ONLY woman in his life, I feel like I'm the OTHER woman.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Sita Tara's picture

I don't feel that way with DH. But I do think SD feels I am the one who replaced her since she was the most important relationship for DH before he met me, even more important than BM and SD knew this (consciously or not.)

SD is forever talking about the "glory days" when it was just her and Dad for several years....ummmm the problem is that it was really just several months. She has the same math problems as BM.

Peace, love, and red wine

stired_crazy's picture

Ya know, Iunderstand EXACTLY what your feeling, infact I had to put my foot down on something similar and hard.When me and my B.F split up a few times he would call B.M and tell her, infact he confided in her( wrong thing 2 do). I told him when we have problems or something happens our relatioship DOES NOT consist of the 3 of us, I dont recall her paying our bills and so forth.I told him all she does it make things negative by the things she says, I told him if he is with me then he needs to confide in me because I am who he is with and having the relationship problem with, that the x cannot solve anything that goes on between us that only we can.Its hard being the other wife I know, and I think it was habbit for him because they were together 14 years( she was way older when they met so she basicly raised him), but thats a string that needed to be CUT OFF. Habbit or not.. whatever the reasons may be its hurtful, because we are the ones that care for them and are tring to make a life with them. Its just like one time my B.F says regaurding his children( because B.M hates me).. that if he just proves to her that there is no anamosity towards her and no one hates her then she'll loosen up about the kids and maybe be more positive ....
I was like WHAT!!!

"oh, no" you got it confussed I tell him, why should you still have to prove anything to her? She creates all this hate and posions your kids minds towards me and us, You dont have to prove anything to her. The only people you have to prove anything to is to your children about how much you love them( because they matter),Her aproval should mean nothing. He was always having to prove( I realized because he never got that aproval in his marriage from her, he had very low-self esteem). I straightned that out right quick and fast, and I compliment him constantly, I try my best to make him feel secure and that whatever he does is so appreciated.Maybe you need to find out what the reason is on why he feels the need to tell all, maybe there is something on a emotional level he never got from her and sometimes when people are together along time they still try, whatever the case may be he needs to learn to look for it IN YOU !
Dont get to mad or upset about it just yet( although its easier said then done), but sometimes it ends up being psycological and they dont even realize it, maybe she mothered him and thats the emotional problem, it could be many things.. but I would ask and talk about it cailmly with a exspression of concern and tell him how it hurts your feelings and you felt slighted and of less importance.

frustratedinMA's picture

They met when they were both too young.. she got pregnant after 6 mths of knowing him and they split up in less than 2 yrs.

He seems to constantly be trying to get her approval on things.. Its aggravating. I have asked him not to share information w/her UNLESS it pertains directly toward the kids..

Seems odd that I would have to tell him.. DONT tell her we are trying to get pregnant, dont tell her how much I make.. better yet.. dont tell her WHERE I work. He gets made when I say to him, dont tell her.. he says.. god.. what do you think I am.. stupid??? and then when I dont think of telling him to not mention something what does he do??? he tells her. And yes.. there are some things where I do think he is stupid.

I have asked him to put himself in my shoes. I dont think that he truly can. And lately I have felt that I married someone that isnt that bright.. lovable yes.. caring yes.. bright.. not so much.

I just wish he knew what a knife through me that felt like.

stired_crazy's picture

I know it s VERY HARD.. but stay on it.. drill it in his head everytime, keep pointing out to him that this relationship is
"OURS", tell him that you understand he has a child from her other then dealing with that -that he is making you resentful towards him in this relationship, and resentful with the fact that he has anything to do with her period regaurdless of ties, and that you dont want to feel this way becuase its a bad thing, but its a bad that he is causing.
Ask him if he would like for you to call your x and confide all his details and yours because he would not appreciate it at all, I hate to say it but sometimes men need a dose of their own med( as long as it does not come down to cheating, get to that point then it just needs to end).Tell him " AGAIN and AGAIN" this relatioship DOES NOT consist of her
" PERIOD"
and its getting to the point to where your gonna throw your neck around and its not going to be good, and that you want to promote the relationship with his child " BUT THATS IT", but your reaching a point that even that reason is causing a rift because you feel slighted at the fact that because of that child he has to talk 2 her.. and it wouldn't be so bad at all if it could just remain about the child, but its not and you feeling resentful and its getting to the point that you dont care what it consists of.. because its causing you a problem in your relationship, that he needs to make a effort and get his ducks in a row with you or it will be without you, but it will sure be something one way or the other because you refuse to feel of less importance or feel second to none.

dont forget 2 tell him its a respect issue to in your relationship

Stepmom_C's picture

Was so bad also! I'm just now catching up on the posts. I went crazy with both my SD's and seriously just "lost it." It's partly my fault because DH and I had an unusual drop-off day and let BM have the kids Sun for an overnight that wasn't her visitation weekend (she gets 2 w/ends a month for her custody). Well we always go to church together and out to eat on Sundays so I decided to go anyway which means I was also at the dropoff. BAD IDEA STUPID STEPMOM_C. Anyway, BM was 45min late and DH and I had to be somewhere. OK, should've known better... always expect the unexpected right!?!? Or expect nothing and you won't be disappointed...

Long story longer, SD's had to make a card for their teacher for hw due on Monday. THey said they would do it at Mom's. I even wrote out how to spell the teacher's names and everything. Now I can understand SD6 forgetting but SD10? 5th grade?? Give me a break. We mentioned it over 5 times before they left. I should have packed construction paper and crayons and they could have done it 10 times over while waiting for BM... hindsight's 20/20 right? Well that was the small thing that caused my big blowup last night. Really it was about 2 weeks of things building up. Mainly between SD10 and me about that stupid Wii. She wanted a Wii for Christmas, didn't get one. Got guitar hero and all the games she wanted only it was the Playstation version b/c we already had a playstation. So she tells my mom, dad, brother etc...(in front of me) that it's too bad she didn't get that Wii from SANTA (as she glares at me knowing I AM SANTA). Then she says she'll probably get it for her birthday coming up (again looking at me) and I say "No, you already got a lot of games. Your dad and I got something else for you." Then she smarts off that "she means HER MOM's SIDE OF THE FAMILY WOULD GET THE Wii FOR HER"...Right! Ha! Her mom doesn't buy her SHI* and she's going to jump in and save the day for SD10 because mom's so great - blah blah... I'm only the custodial stepmother. ARGH!!!!

Yes, I usually control my feelings and they don't get hurt so easily. Respect and a couple of thank you's once in a while. My BD does this to me and DH. Why can't SD's? Anyway CG - we may know all the answers but still have a BAD day with all of it. I ALSO WISH I WERE THE 1st WIFE! My DH is my 1st husband and absolutely NONE of my friends have this type situation; just my cyber friends Wink

Sita Tara's picture

Mine's a Tue funk. I'm sick (again) and it's warmer but rainy today. I also now have to go through an outrageous pick up fiasco for BS 10 because our community won't support a school levy and they canceled busing for everyone within two miles. We are just over two miles from the middle school, so the older kids still get the bus and BS 10 still takes it in the am to the middle school for art. BUT..he can't walk the two miles down a narrow busy country road with no sidewalks to our house, so his dad and I have to pick him up every day. This road is so heavily trafficked, that they have to stop and re-route traffic for the now 200 plus cars trying to get into the school to pick up their kids. It's NUTS. I am so irritated with the whiny people who claim that 20 bucks a month more on their property taxes will cause them to foreclose. I suspect they're exaggerating a tad, or perhaps if that's really all it would take then they should re-think property ownership because 20 bucks a month surely will hit you at some point for something unforeseen

ANYway...

Get home with him and SD and BS 13 are here, constantly baiting each other with sarcastic "one-up-manship."

I don't like my two oldest children. REALLY don't. I had a book of a response here...but I think I'll post in my own blog so as not to highjack yours!

I get this. I have the fantasy. I grieve normalcy.

You aren't alone.

I so wish they Peace, love, and red wine

Conflicted's picture

You took everything that I have been feeling and you put it down in words. I'm going to print your post and show it to DH because that is EXACTLY where I am coming from.

I can't say that I regret marrying DH because I love him to death, but this is just not any way to live.

You said,
"Somethimes not only I feel like I am not the only woman in his life, I feel I am the other woman"

I can't believe how true that rings for me and thank you for helping me to realize what I am feeling but couldn't quite put into words.

Harleygal's picture

comment about feeling like the "other woman". So true!

Seasons's picture

I not only feel like the other woman sometimes I just feel like his housekeeper, and financial depositer into "our account". Let's all just run away, we can go snow skiing till weather changes then we can go play in the ocean in the summer... I just want to run away from this nightmare... I am just too scared right now...

Colorado Girl's picture

I'll come with ya.... Wink

On a more serious note to your comment, I think a lot of us are just STRESSED OUT of our minds. It's the classic fight or flight reaction. Do you run or stay and fight. I've been attempting the fight method and I am so ready for the running away tactic. Even if it were only for a little while.....

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."