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"ss9" only invited fiancé to his birthday party. Shaking my head at bm

collinanderson's picture

It's bm week with the kids , and yesterday was Ss8 (well now ss9's Birthday), and both fiancé and I called to wish him a happy birthday. When fiancé wished him, he said "thank you"; when I wished him.... noting. Fiancé did say to him that when someone wishes you on your Birthday, you always say thank you because it's respectful, and shows that you care. We both hear bm say "just say it" (she can't whisper to save her live), and he humbles "thanks"

Today fiancé recieved a text from bm saying that she's thowing ss9 a birthday party in the evening today, and was wondering if he could come because "ss9" really wanted him there. Here's the thing, it was just my fiancé, no mention of me. He responded and asked what about me, and she replies with, "it's his birthday and he would get to pick who is and isn't invited". I wasn't going to go even if I was invited because bm really doesn't like me and being in a house with her, would be noting but awkard. She has so many problems with fiancé being with another man (it's actually kind of funny when you think about it). I tell my fiancé that if he wants to go he can, I won't mind. You know what he says to me?

"if you're not going, why should I go?" Kind of fell harding for him right there. He basically told her that it would be inappropriate for him to go without me. We are planning on thowing ss9 a birthday this friday(it's our week) when the kids (ss10, and ss9) are back here anyway.

I'm really glad my little buddy( ss10) doesn't fall to bm antics, He's very rational for his age (from my last post, he asked me when me and fiancé do get married, if he could call me dad "C"- I seriously love that kid). My relationship with ss9 used to be great until fiancé (Bf at the time) proposed a couple of months back; that's when things started going down hill. 



STaround's picture

I think that seperate parties are the way to go.  I also think that no one other than parent should intrude on other parents time, and even tht should be judicious 

collinanderson's picture

This is the first time she's ever done something like this before 

Iamwoman's picture

Yep yep! We always throw separate parties and separate everything!

There is simply no middle ground with a HCBM.

Even if she did invite you, I would be suspicious.

I actively avoid HCBM, and there is no reason not to.

The way family courts and some dumb counselors these days dictate that everyone should be “one happy family” for the “sake of the kids” is utter nonsense. 

If we were capable of being “one happy family” we either ther would not have gotten divorced in the first place or we would all live together in a commune as a family.

The fact is that divorce (or a break up) usually happens when one person finally realizes the other person is insane. There is simply no “getting along” with an insane (narc, socio, or psycho) person. Period.

Parallel parenting is the way to go.

elkclan's picture

I dunno - I feel a bit differently. I get along really well with my stepsons but BM is crazy. If they want their dad at a special event - e.g. birthday parties that's being held at BM's house but don't want the stress for themselves or for their mother of a new partner - then what's the big deal? This isn't a milestone event that's held in a neutral territory like a graduation or a wedding - where I would expect a parent's new partner to be invited. 

BM - who owes you NOTHING - has set up a situation where dad has to make a choice. He has chosen to an adult over a child. This isn't the choice I'd make. I mean you didn't want to go anyway - did you? Congratulations - you won in a contest with a 10 yr old child. 

And however grudgingly she has encouraged her kid to say thanks. Teaching her kid to be polite is the way to go - just as your fiance is trying to do, too.