2 ex wives...his ex and his mother. there has always been this weird triangle between the 3 of them. dh and his ex have never been good parents and leaned on mil for everything. mil herself has never been a good parent. she is a nurturer (spoiler, always trying to "help", but has 0 actual parenting skills). she's had bad relationships in the past and has no interest in forming adult relationships with other people and is totally dependant on the attention she receives from dh, bm, and skids. not so much from my dh anymore since i came into the picture (broke a few of the momma boy ties and she's resentful of me for it), but the triangle is still intact. she uses the skids to get dh's ear now. dh and bm both go through mil regarding anything to do with the boys (although dh and bm still communicate, hence 2 ex wives). i hate this triangle, but unless i step up and take over their parenting duties, this is how it's been. i've tried to get dh to parent his kids and it became "too hard for him" because bm and mil always ganged up on him and shot him down. he pretty much gives into mil with all her spoiling, coddling, etc...well now ss17 is in trouble (has always been in trouble in one form or another since i've been on the scene with truancy, resistant to teachers and principals, lying, etc.. and has NEVER been punished by his parents (screamed at yes). it has never failed that anytime he's gotten into trouble, nanna buys him the best gifts (spending hundreds of dollars on his BMX bike, $500 trip to florida this spring, buys all his gifts to people for him, spends hundreds on his clothes, etc... to the point that she is totally broke) . i'm waiting for him to drop out of high school so he can get a car! well, i don't think that CAN happen now because she just got fired, 10 months away from retirement. i'm kinda praying she is unable to get unemployment then she'll have to move to kentucky to live with her millionaire daddy and will be out of my daily life! anyway, the law has finally stepped in and is doing what the parents never would. he's under house arrest for fighting with another 17 year old (the story fluctuates so wildly i don't know the truth), and is awaiting a pre-trial court date in june. of course dh DID listen to me about not going out and hiring an attorney (ex wife called him a piece of sh-- cause he didn't) and of course there's going to be a meeting with the triangle at a restaurant between the public defender assigned to him this friday (the atty's office is an hour away and has no local office) and i'm pretty sure mil is going to stick her nose in it and be there (dh invited me to go, but why in the world would i want to sit at that table when i resent each of them so much? ss17 and i have practically NO relationship). i tried to talk to my dh saying that although i understand ss is still a minor and i realize he needs to be involved, i didn't think i was going to be able to do this the next time his son gets into trouble. it's always these late night phone calls from mil ringing some kind of alarm (this is how she gets attention now whether warranted or not). mistake cause anytime i bring up his kids, bm or mil he becomes defensive and angry and a huge fight ensues. he said i'm negative (sorry but i can't find much good in this) and i think he truly believes I am the problem and needs therapy (his mother told him this one time and now it's gospel. i do have anxiety issues, but since i've been with him it's been SEVERE. he's lied to me, covered up things, made deals/arrangements with his family without my knowledge, loaned money (we wouldn't have a penny if he were in charge), has a lack of boundaries with his mom (and previously his ex wife), tends to disney dad parent,...he has severe separation anxiety associated with his mom walking out on him when he was 15 years old (left him with his stepfather and a note and he dropped out of school and hit the streets), but reconnected with her several years later and is terrified of losing her again. she has bent over backwards trying to make ammends to the point of not having a life, but his issues with his mother isn't the problem in his eyes. it's my anxiety. half our problems would disappear if his mother did. she's involved in everything, and then complains about being in the middle! just writing this i know what has to be done, but i don't think i have the strength. i'm living in the basement right now and we're doing an in house separation. i'm soooo tired of this. in the past he's ran to his mom when we fought (another reason she resents me). of course i'm controlling (he always accuses me of this) i've HAD to be. we'd be running from house to house cause we couldn't pay our rent like he did with his ex. he's come SO FAR, but i'm tired of being his teacher, especially when days go by with stonewalling before his defensiveness cracks enough to get through a tiny bit. there's soooo much more. but the bottom line is, we can't even work on our marriage with all these outside influences and dramas constantly going on. i told him we need a couple years drama free, but we can't get past a month or two! and i CAN'T STAND the thought of him and bm constantly coming together because of their son's run ins with the law. i can understand accidents and illnesses (things not self-induced), and helping a soon to be adult child that actually shows effort. but i've seen the game too many times. ss17 says the right words, sheds a tear and does exactly as he pleases. they all fall for it hook, line and sinker. i told dh that if he's going to spend the rest of his life running to attorneys, counselors, meetings with bm, and court dates i won't be able to take it, that i can understand and will do my best to make it through this time seeing ss17 IS still a minor, this is the last time. dh told me that he's promised me to not spend money on bailing his son out (and hasn't as far as i know - but i'm sure mil will), that he's going to be there to support his son. i moved into the basement and after emptying my heart to dh, i get "you need to tell a therapist everything you told me because i don't have any answers". i told him minimal contact for a couple weeks to give us each some space. with time, he can usually come around, but things revert back. it's very tiresome and now my health's suffering. if nothing else, let this be a warning...NEVER MARRY A MAN WITH YOUNG KIDS IF YOU DON'T HAVE THEM, A MAN UNWILLING TO PUT BOUNDARIES AROUND YOUR MARRIAGE AND HIS KIDS, A NEGLIGENT EX WIFE OR UNNATURAL ATTACHMENTS TO THEIR MOTHER, and for the love of god, don't marry a man that has all of these!

there's sooo much more, but i know i wo