Good for you for finding the help you need! I understand how frustrating custody can be...

For us, BM said just a few months ago she doesn't even want the girls. Showed up in court to cover us lies she told her mom and sister, and ended up with visitation, which she's only using the poison the kids against me (thank goodness so far that's not sticking), worry the kids, not take care of them, and ditch them with her sister. All while they have an actual loving parent who wants to be with them and keep them safe.

It can be SUPER frustrating and I understand not wanting that kind of relationship. Anything that affects your DH, affects you in some way. Watching your spouse hurt really genuinely hurts and can make you mad. In the court room right after court BM was already trying to convince Dh he should do the driving, after everything, I saw forking red. I very seriously considered my chances if I broke her nose right there in the court room.

I hope it helps too! Keep us updated on it all!!!

It's important for you to take care of yourself too.  I get it.  When you care about someone, it's hard to see them go through things that are unfair to them.  And... yeah... I also wanted to mentally gut punch my DH for having kids with his EX...lol. I have an EX too, but at least I can leave him in the past and we don't have to maintain contact!

I hope your therapist helps you to work through these things.  While it is for the most part out of your control, maybe they can help you learn how to acknowledge and deal with these issues and not lose your sanity in the process.

Some of my most challenging STimes was seeing BM lie in court! Lies are always offensive, but even more in a court room, even more that the lies are not protecting anyone, just hurting those she should care about the most. It's heartbreaking to watch this kind of sea-hag continue to do the wrong thing time after time. It is sad and dizzyingly chaotic.

Our BM lied thru the court system for over a decade. My SS, DH, and others all tell me the same stories so it's true, but cray-cray BM is a shameless narcissist (but I repeat myself) and it was hard to watch in person someone I'd only heard stories about, only to see her pull out the theatrics, lies, and sob-stories hoping to again get her way in court. Even after we ultimately won both custody and child support from BM (wage garnishment = the only way to make her pay, until she took a cash-under-the-table gig at a small winery in Fall 2017 where she's intercepted the wage garnishment order and ignores the fact that her license has been revoked... hoping THAT catches up to her) I am relieved SS is now 18 so any court shenanigans from BM are done. 

it was hard NOT to question my sanity.   With all the alternative reality going on (no parenting of kids, massive CS, crazy high conflict PASing Girhippo) I was glad I found this forum.  I was COMPLETELY unfamiliar with the guilt/disney COD parenting!!!

And I was a divorced single mom who ALWAYS disciplined/trained my kids and would expect no less.

Definitely take care of yourself!!!

Good for you to get some support!!!

I completely understand. I felt the same exact way when my SO was going through his long, dragged-out divorce. It was so exhausting, there would be days I would feel completely defeated and like I couldn't do it anymore. Of course, that feeling temporarily passes, and you get your resolve back to deal with more crap, but it's sooo hard, and inevitably you feel defeated again. BM was constantly lying, messaging, filling the kids head with lies and terrible garbage...it was too much. I honestly have never encountered anyone as terrible and crazy as she is. And I worked in a jail! Even now, I ask SO, How...HOW did you stay with her for 16 years??? It is mind-boggling to me. For me, it did get better eventually. Once custody was settled...and then after she took him back to court 4 months later to try and get 50/50 custody (failed).....it has finally settled down to a manageable level of drama and crazy. Don't get me wrong, it still seems like at least once a month something crops up, but it's much better. Hopefully that's the case for you as well!

Good for you, Coco. Taking care of your mental health is very important.

I understand how you feel about for your DH being with such a vile thing. Is she anything like BioHo? 'Ho hid her true self until she already had her claws sunk into my DH. She hid it for a loooooong time. I was also with someone - I call him The Chameloen - who turned out to be a nasty piece of work. The Chameleon "makes" himself into what he thinks his potential partner wants. And it WORKS. For a time. Our relationship lasted so long, that Chameleon was having difficulty maintaining the character he had created. The facade would crack, the real him would show through for a brief moment, then he'd shore up the crack and carry on.

What I'm trying to say is that she may not have SEEMED like such a vile POS until it was too late. {{hugs}}

I totally get what you're going through. I'm having exactly the same struggle. Are we really just terrible, horrible, no good very bad people? What are we missing that has allowed everything in our situation to have happened?

I understand that feeling toward your husband of, what the hell were you thinking when you married/reproduced with this person.

But I've certainly filled my closet with some shabby people over the years. I've sabotaged myself at work. I left a door open once and was burgled of everything I had.

People make mistakes. When we choose a spouse, we (perhaps without realizing it) choose to take on their mistakes, their battles and their baggage. Maybe that's a mistake in itself that we make. But imagine if your husband became very sick and disabled. You chose him without knowing he would become sick and what a burden and drain that would be. You sure aren't going to abandon him because he's sick.

I hope things get better for you soon. It's a long road.