I'm sorry you are feeling so low- it sounds like you feel the men are 'ganging'upon you and this isn't fair. You don't mention if there are any other women in the equation except BM. I certainly wouldn't speak to her about it. DH isn't being supportive, but I would take him at his word.
Work on balancing out the unhappiness- do things for you. Go out with friends, see family, take a course or class that gets you away from these two. Just don't let them see you care about their remarks.

Ugh! Your DH is not parenting his child. There is no excuse for a child giving anyone attitude.

Kids that age are difficult to like, in general.

If I were in your situation, I'd disengage, but I only have my SSs EOWE, so it's a bit easier to disengage when they are only with you so often.

Since this is now negatively impacting your mental health, maybe you should see a counselor with your husband to work through the issue, ideally one who would point out to your husband that he needs to step up and be a parent.

"Or another exscuse was he sees Dad do it to me so he does it to me."

Is there any validity to what he has said? Has he observed his father treating you this way? If so, your husband is the problem because he is teaching his son how to treat you.

"Every time I talk to my husband about it he says I’m just trying to start drama and I’m acting like a kid arguing with a 12 yr old or even crying."

Your husband is an ass. Your SS will never respect you because your husband doesn't respect you.

The man Can't teach/model something he doesn't value.

No 12 year old should be given the right to bad mouth an adult. Him saying he's paying you back for your griping should have gotten a serious concequenses. He's a child not an adult. Also this idea that he can treat you the same way his dad does is way wrong too.

You've got some major issues goin on here and his mommy isn't going to fix it. You've allowed yourself to be disrespected by a child in your home and DH seems to think that it's ok.

Honestly I would have been back handed for this kind of behavior as a kid and deservedly so. If either of SO's kids started this crap and he just allowed it I'd be going toe to toe with him.

You need to stand up for yourself. Demand the basic respect you are deserved.

It's past time for a divorce. I know it sucks, but SS won't get better because your HUSBAND TREATS YOU THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!!
Get a divorce.

Disengage from SS, stop doing anything for him, or his Dad for that matter, seeing they treat you like a maid, you can go on strike.

Be polite to SS and if he's rude to you ignore the little snot, focus on your daughter...

Forget what the kid is doing for a moment. If the husband is doing it to, it's time to full-stop assess what is happening here. Why are you their punching bag?