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Starting to get a little resentful

CLove's picture

Munchkin SD14, as sweet as she can be, is really getting on my nerves recently. I dont know what it is, its possibly because shes a teenager now...help me steptalkers, help me off this ledge of resentment Im on.

She is SO FREAKING LAZY.

ive been working all day every day. This is her week with us. NO HELP at all, and dirty dishes in the sink. I guess its lucky that she makes her own food now.

She talks incessantly about nothing, all night. I guess we are lucky that she is communicating.

NOW, she wants a bass. And DH is going to get her an amplifyer to go with it. No discussions with me about noise level.

She just "gets things". Does nothing to earn them.

AT 14, I was dusting and vacuming and cleaning the ENTIRE house. Doing ALL the laundry, folding and putting away.

AND I was working every weekend at a family business.

I know its not her fault, its her lazy parental units, but its causing some resentment. I mean, even Feral Forger was helping...at 13 she was watching her old gma for an entire weekend.

And when I get home, Im expected to cook dinner for DH and Munchkin (who doesnt ever help and is starting to argue about doing dishes)

Our living room armchair, which is peeling for some reason, is her favorite, and somehow she doesnt see the peelings as they gather on the floor! I even put a blanket over it, and asked that she not sit in it. Im going to have DH take the darn thing out, and get rid of it this weekend.

Whew. Thanks for letting me vent. Of course none of this is discussed with her, except how she is having the darn bass shipped to our house...

Comments

JRI's picture

Have you asked her to help?  " M, can you xyz for me, please?" or how about, "M, how would you like to fix dinner every (specify day)?"  It probably wouldnt hurt her to learn or practice simple dishes.

After raising 2 girls and flashing back to my own days, she sounds perfectly normal.  I can remember staying at my grandmother's and her (an angel) waking me up at 11:30 with an aggravated look on her face. Teenagers are notoriously self-centeted, I know I never gave my parents' possible tiredness one second's thought.

The best thing you can do is stay composed. "There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful"( Co-Dependent No More). 

CLove's picture

I hear you - thats a great idea. I shy away from all that but I need to be more proactive.

I think a large part of my frustration with Munchkin is that I am probably projecting my original frustration with Toxic TRoll and Feral Forger onto her, because well shes there.

Im just so frustrated that Toxic Troll gets to "sit back", gets to go to vacations to Hawaii, gets the accolades and mothers day and all that, but Im stuck here giving out her social security because Toxic Troll doesnt seem to be able to find it, Im stuck doing interdistrict transfer because Toxic Troll cant seem to get up in a good enough mood that week. We struggle to pay for everything we need we do without sometimes, while she is getting money for doing nothing. It sickens me to my core.

So think that may be part of it. 

But these are GREAT ideas. I just think asking her to do ANYTHING that she doesnt get paid for is setting myself up for failure and attitude.

futurobrillante99's picture

You're only stuck doing the things you stick yourself with doing. I know that sounds trite, but saying you're stuck implies that someone is holding a gun to your head. What is probably more accurate is that you choose to do what you do to either show love, win favor or avoid conflict.

Choosing to avoid conflict.......is still a choice.

I know it's not easy to say, "No." It takes practice to say it and not feel guilty. Once you do it enough, it becomes second nature.

CLove's picture

Shes so sweet, I cant seem to help myself plus I feel sorry for her because Toxic Troll is such a bad mother.

Then when Im at my weakest with sympathy "wham", she wants a bass guitar and amplifyer.

futurobrillante99's picture

You said your husband ordered the guitar without consulting you. Aren't you upset with him?

CLove's picture

"They" are ordering the amplifyer. I just heard about it last night. No asking or discussing with me, I OVERHEARD it.

I am indeed. Pissed.

We argued about it also. Out of earshot of Munchkin, of course.

Im still pissed today, which is part of my frustration with Munchkin SD14. She somehow manages to cause issues between us, and maybe my frustration is misdirected...maybe Im projecting because its really DH that I am upset with.

Cover1W's picture

I get it.  I'm in the same boat. YSD14.5 hangs out in her room alllllllll day. Not on electronics BTW (she abhors them). No chores, no jobs, nothing. She makes her own (weird) food then puts all her dishes in the sink for DH to do, even though there's a dishwasher right there. DH does them without complaint. He got on MY case last night because I refused to do any dishes left by him or YSD during the day (I cooked birthday dinner for him so did it all no issue) because they are PERFECTLY CAPABLE and I'M NOT THE MAID. I seriously don't think he understands the amount of mess those two make - I simply told him that "I do all my own dishes throughout the day, all the time, so no one else had to do them. I will not help those who are perfectly capable and no, it's not strange that I don't. I do enough around here."

YSD asks what I meant. "It's about the equitable division of labor" I responded.

Then DH says we're not going to go there and I agreed to move on. And left all the dishes.

And no, I cannot say anything because DH either dismisses what I ask of YSD by saying I'm too perfectionist (no, because I'm ignoring all the other messes around the house and on the kitchen counter - all I'm asking for is the dishes to be taken care of) right in front of her or tells her that she doesn't have to do it then, he'll take care of it later or something else. Then denies he undermines me later in the day when we are alone.

So I just give up and let him do it.

And why are you "EXPECTED"  to cook dinner?  If I'm cooking dinner, that's the one thing DH knows I won't mess with - YSD sets and clears the table if I am cooking, period.

CLove's picture

So when hes tired, he will try to get me to do it.
I also like cooking with him typically.

For SOME reason I cannot get to the bottom of, I have started avoiding cooking when Munchkin is with us. When its just us, its not even an issue, Im happy to do it.

Its just so weird.

JRI's picture

You are understandably so irritated at TT, I really get it.  And, you are right, probably transferring those feelings onto M.  From what you say about that sweet girl, i'm betting anything that if you asked for her help with some specific things, especially if you phrased it like you did, about being tired out, that she would love to help you.

My experience with teens is I had to be specific, like can you please vacuum the living room rug and go over the couch and chair, too.  Or, what do you plan to have for dinner Wednesday? Let's see, do we have the ingredients?  Would you please write down what we don't have?  Sometimes its almost worth just doing it ourselves but with a kind, willing girl like her, it would be worth it ( and give her something to do and feel praise-worthy).

CLove's picture

Sometimes shes moody, sometimes shes helpful, sometimes theres attitude.

But I have to give her a chance to be a better person. I know what Im doing is somewhat passive aggressive...something I really need to work on.

Thanks JRI, for the ledge-talking!

CLove's picture

AND another thing that really messed me up. We got a new armchair for the living room. its her favorite place to sit in the whole house, its where she does her classes (zoom)

It started peeling. Every day I watched as the little pieces gathered on the rug in front of her. I said nothing. Then on Saturday when there was a sizable gathering )no masks!) I pulled the vacuum out (yes I am discovering thats passive agressive) and left it. right in front of her. Where it sat for a few hours.

Her father comes out of nowhere "Munchkin can you please vacuum the living room?" 

she does it.

Ive got a lot to learn.

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

I rarely comment but read often. But have to chime in. I'm absolutely shit at domestic stuff. I'm a slob. I just don't see shit. For some reason I can run a whole school, have computer files organised to perfection, but my house? Yep, a mess. More than that, though, I don't see it. I really don't. I prob wouldn't have noticed that pile. I don't want to be this way, but I am. Two points. 1. Tell her. She honestly might not see it. 2. I wish I were made to do more stuff as a kid to train me. My mum agrees but then still, in her late 70s continues to refuse all help for family lunches etc. A bit control freaky I think. But I certainly was not trained to help and wish I were. In fact my colleagues now treat me like a kid which I'm fine with. Classroom gets messy? They tell me to stay back and clean it and I'm sook with that. Haha.