Clove, you are a good person, with a big heart,  but you have been way too involved and now your SD is using that against you and using you as the scapegoat.

Your DH is not losing his daughter because of you, but you have given SD and TT the perfect set up to blame you. I hope your DH sees through it. What does he say about all of this?

over reaction on her part right now? after all she can barely tolerate her mom and sister as it is, now she plans to live with them?

Please don't feel the slightest bit guilty over this.  Your DH is not losing his daughter because of you.  I think that but for you she would have skedaddled to TT a long time ago.  I also think she'll want to come crawling back real soon, but it doesn't sound like her dad is interested in playing her games.  TT probably needs the CS money which is why she's filing for full custody.

You have done nothing wrong.  If anything you've been too nice.  Let Munchkin go - it probably wasn't a real relationship on her end anyway.  Take care of yourself and your DH - I'm sure your household will be much more peaceful with Munchkin living with TT.  I'm sure Munchkin will miss you and what you could offer her more than your household will miss her.

I highly doubt munchkin is going to be living with TT full time. TT (from what I gather) does not have the funds for a lawyer etc. 

Under no circumstances should you be giving any punishment. That needs to come from your DH. Whether you pay the phone bill or not. 

Do NOT get hung up on what munchkin says... teen girls are NOT fun. 
 

Edit: I read your other response. So munchkin is just going to leave your area and start school somewhere else her sophomore year of high school. Once again... doubtful. Plus your DH would have to ok that... Sounds all fishy to me.

You didnt do anything wrong... it's their constant drama fueling this...  

This is not at all your fault. She's acting like a bratty teenager, SM is the easiest scapegoat, and she's playing the typical "I'm not gonna live here then" COD card. 

You're human, people make mistakes. Theres no chance of living with someone and never getting in a disagreement. The problem is, and we all know, it's easier for kids to blame and not forgive a stepparent than a bio. Or feel like they don't have to forgive and are entitled to not respect the step as a parent.

Well, I'm sorry. I know how you cared for her and hoped she wouldn't take the predictable "stepchild with a crazy mom" path in her adolescence.

If this blows over and she comes back to your home, promise yourself you will disengage and stop being the parent. 

Also - it's your DH's choice not to fight for his daughter, if it comes to that.

I just wrote you a long message on the other blog. I am not sure it is relevant now. Feel free to ignore.

I am pretty disapointed in your husband in that he is willing to let his daughter live with BM 100% rather than stick up for you and your authority to give consequences for miss-use of the phone that you pay for. 

I feel like the poster above that this claim that TT will file for custody is all talk and will not happen. Wait to worry about it when your husband is served with the paperwork.

the fault lies with your DH for never setting boundries.  You are a very convienant scapegoat.  Munchkin can use you with TT and get what she wants...a life free of responsibilities.  It hurts....btdt with GWR.  I was his scapegoat...but that's ok.  His loss...just like this is Munchkins loss.  

So..if DH loses his daughter its not because of you...that is his own fault.  Its his circus and his monkey...he had the power to control how things turned out.  

So...dust yourself off and pat yourself on the back for being a good step mom.  Like they say...when someone shows you who they really are...believe them.  Now you know...believe her.

You're never there, but you also helicopter too much? And TT is seeking full custody because of an argument? That sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama, and i don't like the idea of letting her bounce back and forth because of every argument. I think that if you and DH are serious about not giving up on her you should tell both her and TT that she sticks to the custody arrangement. She should not get to decide based on her teenage emotions. You and DH decide. 

ETA he is not "losing his daughter because of you". If he loses her it's because he allows it. You didn't abuse her. She is a teenager and they can't be allowed to call the shots. She does not know what's best for her. 

This is not your fault. If you're guilty of anything, it's caring too much. It's evident that you care a great deal for her and that you've put a lot of time and emotional effort into the relationship.

She's a child (this is not an excuse, but it could be a reason). Children do whatever they have to do to get whatever they perceive as their needs met. It's only natural and unless they are taught some degree of discipline and empathy, there isn't a limit to their selfishness.

My SDs were 14 and 16 when they *very* abruptly turned on me. This was after 12 years of me giving them nothing but love and support. The things that they said I did to offend them were either complete fabrications or purposeful misattribution of my true intentions. It hurt. It still hurts sometimes. But I know that my heart was in the right place. I think you know that yours has been too.

I understand you reaction. You have lived in this situation for a long time. Your intuition is telling you from your experience that this is more than normal teenage rebellion.

You can see munchkin falling into the very familiar behavior patterns and you are experiencing deja vu. 

It is best you step away and just let it play out, because as an SM you are powerless to stop it. DH has to be the one at this point to handle the situation in a way he feels he can live with.

You did everything you could for Munchkin for her to not turn out like FF. For her to turn on you, lie, accuse you of harassing her (and accuse you of not being available at the same time?!), she is all in with TT. I agree with you and with another poster, TT has definitely been planning this. Kids this age shouldn't decide the visitation schedule, if TT is unwilling to support it and feed into a temper tantrum from a teenager, she is backing her manipulated horse for full custody.

And how will Munchkin feel about things in a few months when she's stuck with TT all the time? She'll probably throw more tantrums. After what you went through with FF, I understand your DH saying if TT files he won't even respond. Enough's enough.

None of this is your fault though. It is a teenager being promised a house with no rules, no boundaries, no consequences, she can do whatever she wants! And you're the easy scapegoat to get her there. See how that turns out for her.

You have been wonderful to this child. You have done what parents should do. I hope in time she realizes what she's lost. And if she does come back, guard yourself. She's shown her true colors and if it worked for her once, she would probably do it again.

Lastly, thank you for posting everything that you do. You have given me a lot of insight into my own relationship with my SD. As we approach high school we've heard many times over "the COs don't apply anymore once we're in high school!" [they do, BM has just told them this because another 3+ years of court, SD would almost be 18]. For all of the good times we do have, and for all of those moments where I think things will be ok, I see a similar fate for SD and SS coming.

You "helicopter too much" but "are not supportive?" Either she doesn't know what "helicoptering" is or is just saying anything. I am so sorry this has happened. Clearly, your intentions have all been pure when it comes to this girl, you've given your time, money and affection, and typical, she turns on you over perceived slights. This is NOT your fault, so don't blame yourself. The best you can do is, if she ever does come back around, protect your heart and never really "care" or get invested (emotionally or financially) with her. Sending you {{HUGS.}}}

I am so sorry that the tables fully seemed to have turned with Munchkin. TT is sooooo far out there and her sister is just like her, I was always glad to hear that she had a model of "normal" with your and DH. 

Try not to feel guilt, you have a big heart so I am sure you will, but this was the plan, it was always TT's plan to do this. Munchkin is her paycheck and nothing more. She isn't going to leave the FF behind. 

I hope that in the end, this move brings peace to your life and marriage. 

I'm really sorry to hear this I had hope that Munchkin would maybe see the light, but I guess not.

I responded on your other post and I'll say the same thing here, these kids have no loyalty...well they do its just to the toxic parent. Munchkin is also old enough now to know what she is doing, it's not just because she's a kid and doesn't know any better.

Spawn was 16 when I formally disengaged from her because I was tired of her throwing DH and I under the bus to Meth Mouth and us having to always deal with the fall out any time Spawn wasn't happy or felt she was mistreated.

I went through something very similar with my skid. I'm happy to chat privately about this if you want. I don't post my story on here because I'm paranoid.

You can't overcome the train wreck of Toxic Troll.

If Munchkin leaves, please disengage from TT and FF permanently.  No need to let them near you any further.

I suspect Munchkin will change her mind soon though.

Hugs to you cLove

Not your problem, you must disengage, and in disengagement you don't pay any bills 

And I am sorry to say. I saw this coming. 

I want you to truly understand and take this to heart.  Your DH abdicated his parenting role with Munchkin a long time ago.  You are the only one of any of her parents to "care" to push for her to do well in school... to worry about her issues with TT and FF.

It is NOT your fault that he is losing his daughter.  He admitedly will not fight this.  He wasn't really parenting anyway..  

Were never spoken:   "No good deed goes unpunished."  ESPECIALLY in Stepmom world.

DEFINITELY not your fault!!!

There was a study done that personality is up to 70% genetic. You gave Munchkin quite a shot to have nurture overcome nature but these are her choices. Quite honestly, you were the only parent she had. I'm sorry. I know this hurts but you gave more then you ever had too. Be proud of that. 

Just an aside, I'm hoping since she's refusing to see Dad, you have taken away her phone completely. Toxic Troll can pay for it.