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Clove update - Steplife Dormancy (NOT) *edited*

CLove's picture

(Edit: Well, like a dummy masochist, I poked into SD24 FF insta account, which I do occasionally in down-low  mode to make sure that she is "good" or at least "doing ok" because then I know we wont get the texts - rather husband, cause shes blocked on my phone - and saw what I always dread.......... and saw a post with a picture of SD24 Feral Forger smugly sitting in a hospital bed with the tell tale bracelett and that smirky smug smile I hate. Im NOT going to mention it unless husband does, and I already know what this will probably mean - she isnt working because something is desperately wrong. Lupus imaginarium? Tik Tok withdrawals? My stepmom was mean and didnt let me have my old room backius?)

I saw that in another Blog and am "borrowing" it. 

Since SD16almost17 Power Sulk has been staying with Toxic Troll BM, who is busy spending her "head trama 21K", SD visitation has been at zero. No drama, even though SD24 Feral Forger lives down the road in a house share from their section 8 by-the-beach apartment. I guess FF is sticking it out at her 2 jobs. SD16/17 has her school friends, her mother and must be happy because ultimately thats where she wanted to be all along, with her own room and not living with her sister.

Its been just husband and I, and barnical buddy. And now even BB is starting to annoy husband, who has been super tired and stressed from new job at new business. 2 more months and his probationary time ends and he starts getting full benefits and retirement account and accrued vacation time. Hes been nervous and tired, but also more attentive, less impatient with me and us.

Ive been out hiking and puttering around doing my own thing. Not really spending time with friends much, because my friends all have kids, so its just been me. I went down the coast and watched the sunset over the fog line saturday, while husband went fishing. Doing a lot of thinking, reading and writing lately. Where do empty nesters fly when there arent any anchors left? Wherever the heck they want. Sometimes the options are too many to handle and I fly all over the place, almost ready to land on something then I change my mind.

I mean, I know that I wasnt anchored down by children in a parental sense, but there were years in there whereby I "anchored" to the sense of "family" that child visitation brought, if even in a temporary capacity. I used to plan things to include fun with kiddo. And then when all she wanted to do was stay in her room, I gradually just did my own thing. Now there is an child-free room when I come home from my adventures. A child-free room with 2 bass guitars in new condition, a mandolin with a broken string, a ukelele with a broken string and acoustic guitar thats dusty and out of tune.

Im having the uke restrung, and tuned today....they havent been claimed or asked for and Im thinking of taking up a music instrument in time for summer frolicking. I did text Skiddo if she would at all be interested in selling one of them yesterday evening, but sadly her mo is to not respond to my texts unless I change a password or she wants something from her dad and he isnt answering. And its a day later. Im not going to continue texting. If she wants her instruments back, she will get them in really great condition ready to play and dust free with all strings. 

Mothers day was a marathon of cleaning and clearing, then a homemade spaghetti dinner for mom and dad. Thats all mom wanted. A month prior they had gone to a fancy dinner and contracted COVID, but they were vaccinated and so believe thats why they did not suffer symptoms beyond a small cold. So she did not want to have a brunch in a crowded location. Just wanted to spend time. She is the woman who has everything and if she doesnt have it she can buy it herself, so she just simply wanted some time and attention.

Mom turned us on to "Blacklist" which we quickly became addicted to and binged like 7 episodes the rest of the day.

Easy peasy. Otherwise I was a little melancholy about not having kiddos of my own to celebrate me in my motherhoodness, but thats a topic for the Bio-free zone.


JRI's picture

Sounds like things are simmering down.  I'm glad for you.

CLove's picture

I took acoustic guitar lessons, with a guitar signed by Joan Baez. It was supposedly "mine", but not really and I have given it the ex.

Now, Im thinking of revisiting that or start the uke. Its a decent one - not top of the line, but decent.

CastleJJ's picture

New rule: If you text SD, asking her if she wants an item, and she doesn't respond within 1 week, the item gets sold, donated, regifted, or thrown out. No more storing items for SD if she can't even extend the courtesy of responding "Yes I want it" to a simple text. And any money made from selling any of SD's items goes back in yours and DH's pocket if you guys bought the item to begin with. 

CLove's picture

This time around...

Im not going to "offer" her things back. And after the one text I wont "offer" to purchase.

But Im not going in there to clear until at least a few more months have gone by. Her sister got 7, so Ill give it at least a few more months before I begin to bag and box things. Her legal "visitation" is still in place. Im just letting it play by day, week by week.

I plan on getting the full canopy bed out of there, selling it, and putting a futon in for guests and then I can store and organize our household there. The house is feeling very cluttered because we acquire so much through friends, family and facebook marketplace. My room has my different things that I will need to organize. Household stuff like ironing boards, a sewing machine, husbands fishing pole collection (vast), Im thinking will live in there.


CajunMom's picture

I hear you....and I hear you CLEAR. You ARE experiencing "empty nesting." You did all the things a mother does and while it didn't work out in your favor, you still did all the work and now have to make a major adjustment in your life, just as if you'd raised your own kids and they left home.  I have my own heartaches about the parental things I did within the stepworld, only to have it used against me or not acknowledged at all. And while the bitter pain is gone, there is still - and always will be - some hurt that will come up on occasion. 

I had the "empty nest" issues when my bios left home but not too bad as both kids were very independent even as teenagers, did well in college and now are thriving adults. I found things I wanted to do that were not do-able while raising kids. I always loved sewing but went from garments to quilting. I'm also gardening again. Nice veggie garden going along with lots of flowers and cut flowers growing. I've added exercise into my life and I'm going to try one of your fun things...hiking. I do that a lot when we travel but I'd like to find some trails here at home. 

Sending you lots of love and good vibes...may your life become so full with goodness that the stephell will soon be far from your thoughts. Hugs.

CLove's picture

I use an app, and that one seems to be pretty spot on wrt topography and distance. Im planning on hopefully going outside of many different comfort zones...with maybe some camping and hiking more complex/technical spots.

caninelover's picture

Relax from life and drama, and take real time to figure out what YOU enjoy (not even what you and DH enjoy - just YOU by yourself).  Try things, experiment, and enjoy the peace of a drama free life.  I sure am!!!

AgedOut's picture

you're finally getting a taste of life on your terms and you're thriving. This makes me so happy. Empty nesting means finding your personal happy and you're doing exactly that. 

CLove's picture

For SO LONG there was so much drama with BM and SKids. Beating, stealing, lying, rudeness, arguments, threats. This dark cloud that hovered right above us. Its mabye not dormant, but weakened and we are stronger because we know it really cant hurt us like we thought it could.

We are now a lot more hopeful towards the future. No one is actively attacking anyone. Its summer here soon. SD16/17 PS - shes happy. SD24 FF is not attacking and is not in trouble or in the phych ward. BM has money, so isnt threatening court.

I guess I needed certain things to happen so that the emotional chain I had been tied with has been cut.

Sometimes the bird in the cage doesnt know where exactly to fly to, or their wings arent strong enough to go anywhere, but with some flapping around and seeing other birds flying to exotic locals, the seeds of a new life germinate.

The new life without stepdrama Biggrin

caninelover's picture

I was so happy when DH said happy fur mother's day to me ❤️.  And clipped me some roses from our garden.  He is a good man, despite his bio - kid messes.

CLove's picture

I didnt get that, except from one friend who also has no human kids and has 2 dogs.

But Husband helped clean and then washed all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen I anihilated for the MD dinner.

Merry's picture

My steplife is dormant too. That's a great term and one I can plug into my head in addition to some disengagement mantras.

I also restarted music lessons (piano) several years ago. Love the learning. Good for my head and my soul. I was thinking about how I go through the day and most of my time is for my employer, for DH, or for DH and me as a couple. Very, very little for just ME. I need to feel good about ME if I want to do any good for the others. Music helps a lot.

CLove's picture

Im trying to find things that I can absolutely absorbed into. Tried learning a new language, then geography...Im more being drawn towards art.

Cover1W's picture

I get it. YSD17 is coming over maybe around 1x per month for two days maximum at this point. I'm interested to see what summer is going to look like. Last summer it was not nearly 50/50 as she was at BM's or vacationing with BM most of the time.

I am finding it very relaxing and am planning on getting rid of a lot of stuff in the next year in preparation for downsizing and a potential move in a year or two...somewhere yet to be determined, but with DH.

CLove's picture

And not just for downsizing type activitys! 3 boats! Who needs 3? And 6 cars? we dont need 6 cars. 

My boss and I were talking about having "stuff", and part of how you end up with too much.

If its ORGANIZED you know what you have and dont have. Then you dont keep buying the same thing, which is what I do...

lol. Downsizing and moving towards beach town is one of my goals...

Kloewent's picture

Checkout "Swedish Death Cleaning" I have been doing it and it is invigorating! Gotten rid of so much stuff and now I can get anything out of my cabinets without moving something else. I have been using the things I love again because they are accessible. Highly recommend.

PetSpoiler's picture

Dormancy... I like it.  I intend to keep my step life dormant.  If my husband wants to resume a relationship with his son, he'll have to do it outside our home.  He and his family won't be welcomed here.  I would be surprised if he did.  That would mean him going to gatherings without me and our bios and I just don't see him doing that.  

CLove's picture

Husband gets to do his relationship with SD24 Feral Forger somewhere else. Big surprise she has no time for him. 

Husband would rather go fishing anyways.

CLove's picture

SD24 Feral Forger posted a photo of her in a hospital bed with the "bracelet" on...

Im not even going to bring it up.

If shes in the hospital then things will be drama "over there" in beach town. 

Im keeping the room full of skiddo youngests stuff!

AgedOut's picture

Oh I'm sure it's her attention seeking. I almost feel bad for the younger SK. Almost. All she seems to have wanted was her Mom's attention and now she finally hass it and her older sister rears her ugly head again. 

CLove's picture

I almost do too...but not enough to really matter.

Yep, this is ongoing over YEARS. Then Toxic Troll gets her bonus points as she cries "poor babeeeeeeee!"

JRI's picture

Sad that FF is in the hospital but if they're not calling you guys, they have it covered.  If its truly serious, they will call.

CLove's picture

She was sitting up in bed looking fine, smiling. And I doubt that SD16/17 would contact me seeing as how she doesnt really like her sister.

CLove's picture

SD24 Feral Forger will worm her way back into living with them.