First Post - Vent, Advice, Questions
Hello Everyone! I have spent a whole lot of time reading blogs over the years, and am finally feeling safe enought to post....mainly because snoopy SD17.5 is out of my house for good.
I know the following story sounds unbelievable, but I'm sure that at least one or more of the SP's on this site have experienced the same level of nonsense. There's so much history that I would literally be writing for weeks, so I'll save some of that info for my future posts. The most pressing current situation is that my husband (together 16 yrs, married 13), has just been served with a full-on custody suit.
SD will be 18 in less than six months, so WTF was our immediate response.
The past four years of SD's teenage years have been an absolute rollercoaster of insanity. She has bounced back and forth between us and BM several times, and anytime the rules are enforced at one home, she's packing up and heading back to the path of least resistance. We have always had rules, and they have never changed. We do not allow any kind of social networking in our home for those under 18. We do not allow piercings, tattoos, or any other permanent body modification until age 18. We expect her to dress appropriately, attend school, and be kind to the other people in our home. We have had to eliminate picture messages on her cell phone, as there have been several instances of inappropriate photo exchanges with her MANY, MANY boyfriends. She is required to be on birth control, as she is hyper sexually active, has had three pregnancy scares, and an STD (which she'll have for the rest of her life). In one summer, the girl had five times more sexual partners than I've had in my entire life.
I have tried very hard not to be judgmental towards her, just keep her safe. We also required weekly counseling sessions to help her deal with all of the things mentioned above, in addition to having a BPD BM, and a history of BM abandonment, anorexia, cutting, and sexual abuse.
Things came to a head a few months ago after SD had been living with us for a little over a year. Her leaving our home was completely precipitated by BM and her passive-aggressive PAS, and instead of facing a mild consequence for failing to check in with us when she was supposed to, SD chose instead to go back to BM's, where there are no expectations or consequences. BM is BFF, not parent. I have been the only one doing any of the "mothering" for years, and now, SD doesn't have me, her dad (my DH), or her counselor to come to for help. It sounds harsh, I know, but I am DONE dealing with her. I have been the scapegoat, thrown under the proverbial bus, and screwed over by her more times than I can count. The peace in our home since her latest departure has been blissful. I just can't deal with any more of her histrionics, and I have a responsibility to protect our other two DD's from her influence and rage.
So here's what I am really looking for advice and comments on. When SD moved in with us this last time, we thought it would be a permanent situation, and went through a child support modification. (In the past, we just kept paying BM monthly CS, and never asked for a dime back, or for support from her.) We currently have a $5k small claims judgment against BM for overpaid CS, and medical expenses that she was supposed to pay half of. BM also owes us almost $1k in CS arrears. We cannot collect on the judgment, because BM closed all of her bank accounts and only works 20 hrs a week, and her disposable income is below the state statute for garnishments.
However, now that SD is back living at her apartment, BM has filed a FULL custody packet against my husband. (She already HAS custody, this was just her way of circumventing the year-long CS mod process). In the suit, she asks for full custody (legal and physical), for DH's visitation rights to be terminated (alleging mental abuse), and monthly CS that is four times what she was receiving a year ago. AGAIN, we are talking about a "child" that will be 18 in less than six months.
Any ideas on how we should address this? I don't think that we should focus on ANY of BM's requests except CS. Why pay an attorney to "fight" to keep visitation and joint legal? Who really gives a sh*t at this point?! If SD doesn't want to visit with her dad, SM, and two half-sisters, then WTFE, IMO.
I have tried and tried and tried and tried and now I am tired and could give two sh*ts. I just want to make sure that we are protected financially. Of course BM will use our passivity in regard to the custody and vistation as "proof-positive" that we "never really cared about poor SD".
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Comments
Have a lawyer and don't let
Have a lawyer and don't let them take you and DH to the cleaners to support BM and SD living off you for the next three years.
We do have an attorney, and
We do have an attorney, and it is expected at this point that BM will be representing herself. I am both relieved and worried about this. Relieved because, as my therapist has so eloquently stated several times "People with mental illness present with a neon sign of instability on their heads", yet worried that a judge may buy her "I'm so destitute" line of garbage.
Unfortunately, we live in a state where the age of majority is considered 21, if the "child" is enrolled in full-time school. DH's original CS order states payment should be through age 18, whereas the newest request BM has presented to the court asks that CS be extended through age 21. Not only that, but she is asking for 1) a life insurance policy (that my DH will make either BM or SD the sole beneficiary of), 2) that she (BM) be entitled to claim SD on this year's taxes (we had SD in our home, full-time, with NO overnight visits with BM at all, for seven months of this year, and six months of last), 3) that CS be calculated based on DH's gross income for the past year, when he was working 80+ hrs a week to make ends meet (when we were paying full monthly CS to BM, receving NO CS from BM, and taking care of ALL of SD's needs).
The CS issue has several key problems. The biggest is the calculation of BOTH parent's wages. DH has recently been notified that his company is cutting ALL overtime hours. This is going to impact our household immensely. I cannot work due to physical disability, and am in middle of the lengthly, arduous Social Security benefit process. It will likely be at LEAST a year or more before benefits are awarded, if then. We sold nearly everything of value that we owned while SD was living here to make ends meet, and now BM is asking for FOUR times the amount of CS that was in place for the last fourteen years. BM works 20 hours per week, and has an average hourly rate of around $18, yet she is claiming the state minimum wage, because at 20 hrs/week, that's technically what she makes. However, there is NOTHING stopping her from working full-time, and she has a history of under-employment. If she worked full-time, her monthly income would be very close to what my DH makes monthly without the sh*t tons of overtime he's been forced to work.
So let me get this right....BM gets to claim state health benefits, aid, and food stamps because she doesn't want to work full-time, yet my DH will be forced to get an ADDITIONAL job in order to pay this outrageous amount of CS she is asking for? Because that's exactly what would have to happen if BM gets her way. Not only that, but SD just posted on FB that her mommy just bought her a high-end luxury car. The only way this could happen is because BM is dating yet another new guy, and he has BM listed with the state as the "registered agent" for his personal business. We KNOW that BM is benefitting from his business, either by her bills being paid or drawing "under the table" wages. But we can't PROVE he's paying anything.
Furthermore, DH and I have two DD's. We would LOVE to be able to promise them a fat monthly stipend when they go off to college. But the likelihood of us being able to do that is nil. My DD's MAY have SS benefits because of my disability, but SD would have also been eligible for those benefits, should she have still lived in our home. So because poor SD is a product of a ONS and her parents aren't together, she is now entitled to almost a grand a month, simply for breathing? BM certainly isn't going to be sending her any money once she's in college. Hell, she's already charging SD monthly RENT, and SD is still in high school!! :?
We have MOUNTAINS of information for the judge, but whether or not he/she wants to hear about it is a whole other story. In our experience, judges don't want to comb through piles of stuff to make a judgement, nor do they want to hear hours of testimony. I am just so scared that we will lose everything we have, be forced to move into a small apartment, and our DD's will suffer because of BM's unadulterated GREED. Her child is a paycheck, and always has been. Ditto for her other THREE out-of-wedlock kids with THREE different men. BM and the system make me :sick: