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Failure to Launch

Cindylouwho's picture

Really struggling with SD20 who has no motivation to be an adult.  She has her driving permit, but refuses to get her driver's license. She works, part time only, but has to have a ride to and from work, because she will not get her driver's license. This causes an issue because I can never plan a date night or weekend away because she needs a ride.   I feel it is part of still having some control with her father, my DH. She only works 15-20 hours per week and yet still seems to call in once a month or sometimes more.  She has lived with only her father for many years, BM is toxic. Has some contact with her, but very little.  BM is also now after 4 years of my relationship, married 1 year, she now could become a problem.  Recently she called my DH and asked him to run an errand for her. DH told her no, she has other family that could help her out, and then he told me about the call, which I am very proud that he told me and that he told her no. But my brain says red flag... she could start becoming an issue.  My SD20 has also recenly started showing signs of jealousy of me, which makes me resent her a little.  She makes comments like he got us both flowers for Valentines day, which was so sweet, but she made the comment that hers were bigger than mine. Which they were, but she had regular flowers and I had roses. But it is other things, like if DH offers to make my favorite meal for dinner, she will say, you aren't going to offer me? I have 2 DS, 15 and 13.  They obviosly have some issues as well, teenage boys, leaving muddy shoes in the doorway, teenage attitudes and what not.  However, they are both straight A students, my oldest the DS15 just got his first job. Yet, I have this 20 year adult who will not do dishes when asked, will not help around the house, will only work minimum hours, no driver's license, no motivation. I am afraid my boys will be gone in 3-5 years and she will have failure to launch syndrome. I think I just needed to vent... I stumbled across this site and thought this may be a way to get some thoughts out.

Comments

tog redux's picture

She already has Failure to Launch.  If she's 20 with a part-time job, not going to school, not driving - she's well into it.

What does your DH say about this? He needs to be the one behind pushing her to work full-time and begin helping around the house, paying rent and for other things.  And yes, he needs to push her and not let her make excuses or refuse to help.

hereiam's picture

Is she going to school? Or why is she only working part time?

Your husband needs needs to have a come to Jesus talk with her. She needs to get her driver's license, start working more hours, if she's not going to school, and needs a timeline to move out.

There is absolutely NO excuse for her to not help out around the house in which she lives (I'm assuming, rent free). When I lived at home, I cleaned house like it was my job.

What is wrong with your husband that he is allowing this? He is not doing her any favors. Nor, your marriage.

You might need to have the come to Jesus talk with your husband.

Survivingstephell's picture

You are not her driver and stop doing any their her. She won't change until she gets uncomfortable and inconvenienced herself.  Make her feel that by disengaging with her dysfunction.  Turn her into the maid, cook, lawn care expert and any other chores you need done.  You can talk til your blue in the face, but you will get better results if you force her to get motivated.  BTDT.  Do not feel pity or let her manipulate anymore.  

ndc's picture

Maybe if your DH told her to call and pay for an Uber instead of running her around, she'd have more incentive to get her license.  Charging her rent and giving her responsibilities around the house would help, too.  She obviously doesn't have the internal motivation to launch, so it's unlikely to happen unless your husband pushes it.

Harry's picture

A ride home, does not interfere with you dating.  Her job, she finds a way home by herself.  If DH gives you a problem then you have a DH problem.  Time to test it out 

Cindylouwho's picture

No school... and yes pretty much rent free.  He told her she needed to start paying a very small amount each month in rent, but he hasn't held her acocuntable for it. I have had a few conversations about what I expect out of my boys, but I came in to the picture when she was already failing classes and already no rules.  However, i think you guys are right... it is time for some come to Jesus meetings. DH and I have no issues... none...other than this... the only disagreements we have ever had, have been because I needed time with him or plans got rearranged or dishes sat for days when she had been asked... which by the way, we only started asking her to help when I got diagnosed with cancer and we really needed the kids to pitch in... should have been a no brainer, should not have even had to ask, they should have just helped out as I was very sick.. CANCER FREE now!! WOO HOO!! However, this is all very recent and DH and I both work full time and at 20 with no life and no responsibilities, I still expect her to help.  Talks will be happening soon!! THANK YOU all!!

hereiam's picture

Congratulations on being cancer free, that is awesome!

Now, if you can just get step daugher free.

missgingersnap2021's picture

The flower comment would have set me over the edge! So many things that DH's do wrong is what leads up to young women like your SD. My Dh gives SD flowers every year and I really hope he stops when she turns 18! He has been weaning off on how big and grand they are so thats a good sign. Plus he always gives me way more. (Tis year I got 2 bouquets on Vday and 2 more a few days later. SD got 7 roses (I think roses. I didnt see the flowers he got her)

You life now is my future fear! My SD16 got her license right away but barley drives (just to school and back mostly), doesn't work, has never done any extra curricular activities (supposedly she is palying soccer now but we'll see how long that lasts) and the one time he told me I looked pretty in fornt of her she said "What about me daddy? Dont I look pretty?" (PUKE!)

Movingonisbest's picture

Did you and DH discuss the issues related to your SD prior to getting married? It really is odd that some of these men think a woman is going to be happy to come in and help coddle their failure to launch adult kid or adult kids. Have you ever asked him what the plan is for her given that she is 20 years old and not supporting herself? Assuming she graduated when she was 17 or 18, she has had 2-3 years to figure something out. 

Your SD is an adult and not a kid, so definitely time to have a strategic conversation on getting your SD to launch into adulthood. I wouldn't let this linger on for years. I hope for the sake of your marriage he is on board with realizing your SD needs to launch and the sooner the better.

I was with a man that I told upfront that since my adult kids are independent, I only date men who have adult kids that are independent. Despite all of our adult kids being around the same age, mine were independent and he lied and covered up the fact his were not until he couldn't cover it up anymore.  So while my adult kids were working and supporting themselves, none of his adult kids worked enough to take care of themselves, they all lived with other people, the ones who had kids couldn't afford to take care of them, and they regularly called for money (one even demanded money).  I later found out that was where a lot of his irritability would come from. I ended the relationship with him because I earned significantly more than him, had less adult kids than him, he was dishonest, I wasn't helping financially support his adult kids, and I could tell this was going to be an ongoing problem. Life is so much better without him and those issues.

caninelover's picture

You guys need to agree on how much longer is reasonable and set a deadline for her to move out.

The rides are ridiculous.  A 20 year old is responsible for their own transportation.  If she doesn't want to drive then she should walk or take the bus.  

If she is not in school full time she works full time.  Even if that means doing all the chores around the house for the extra hours.  Or volunteering somewhere for another 10-20 hrs a week.

No way she is leaving home unless pushed.