Shit Hit The Fan w SS13
SS13 has been here for 1.5 weeks. So far, it has been decent with no real issues. He was excited to get here, excited to find out about my pregnancy, and he has eased in nicely. DH set firm limits on SS' phone use, which SS has mostly stuck to, outside of BM and GF trying to circumvent those limits.
Tonight, I had scheduled a family photoshoot to (1) capture updated family photos of DH, SS13, DD3 and I, but (2) to also serve as a pregnancy announcement in a few weeks. It was important to us that SS be included. SS said nothing about the photoshoot. Last night, we took SS shopping to buy him new shorts for the pictures. We also offered to buy him a new polo, which he declined. Fast forward to tonight, SS finds a polo in his closet from last year (still fits) but it's a little kids brand. SS says nothing about it and gets dressed. Then, BM and GF call SS, without coordinating with DH for the call, right before we are about to leave. SS answers, tells them he can't talk because we are doing photos. BM then texts DH stating they tried to call, but we have plans, so SS needs to call after. DH told BM that maybe she should have contacted DH to coordinate instead of going through SS, but that SS would call later when he was available. The photoshoot seemed to go well and we are excited to receive the images. SS called BM on the way home but was acting weird after the call ended.
When we got home, DH and I went through SS' texts while he was busy and what we found was appalling. SS told BM that the shirt he had was a little kid brand and that thank God they buy him better clothes. BM and GF then encouraged this behavior, mocking our household and sending gifs of toddlers dressed as grandma's, telling SS that he is basically a grandma in our clothes and that's how everyone in public would see him. SS then told BM and GF that DD3 wore makeup to the shoot. This is not true - DD was playing with play makeup brushes while I was getting ready but in no way, shape, or form did she have access to or have makeup on. BM and GF then went on trashing DD and I, comparing us to toddlers and tiaras. There were plenty of "jokes" and hysterical laughing emojis between the group. I was crushed. I had a mini meltdown away from SS and told DH that if SS was going to act that way about DD and I, I wanted him out of my house and that he would lose access to DD and I and all the benefits that come with it. I told DH that I was done doing nice things for SS and taking SS into consideration when doing things, planning visits, etc. I told DH that if he wanted BM and GF so much, he could have them full time and realize how shitty that is because they don't do anything for him.
DH and I both agreed a conversation needed to happen, but didn't know how to do that without exposing that we are reading the phone, because if SS, BM and GF knew that, they would lock it down harder and we wouldn't be able to keep tabs anymore. DH handled the conversation without once mentioning the phone or anything pertaining to tonight's comments. DH sat SS down (without me) and basically told him that he has noticed SS' behavior in recent weeks and that he is concerned. DH talked about his own experience having half brothers that were SS' age and having them speak negatively about DH's Dad and DH in front of DH's Dad and DH and what it did to the family unit. DH talked about respect, trust, and love being an action and how SS' behavior didn't reflect respect for any of us, didn't show that he trusted us, and didn't show that he had love for our family despite all that we have done and continue to do for him. DH highlighted all the things I have done for SS and how SS has showed little to no appreciation for those things. DH addressed the double standards of everything SS does for BM and GF that he never does for us. DH explained that he does not talk poorly about BM or GF ever and that whether BM and GF do or don't, it's not appropriate, period. DH also told SS that when we call him and he takes calls openly in front of BM and GF, but then runs and hides during his calls here with them, it leaves the impression that he and them are shit talking, even if they aren't. DH told SS that he doesn't have to be here if he doesn't want to be here, but that we wouldn't tolerate rude, selfish, or entitled behavior. DH also made it clear that even though DH went on to marry me and have 2 more kids, everything we have done in the last 13 years has been in addition to SS, not in replacement of and that we don't love or treat him any less. DH said SS shut down for most of the conversation, but did state plainly that he does want to be here and nobody forced him here, before running upstairs choked up. All in all, DH said he could tell that SS's brain was turning and processing what was being said, even if he didn't engage in the conversation much.
Oddly enough, after the conversation, SS was alone for 20 minutes while DH debriefed me, and SS never texted BM or GF for comfort. I thought for sure that would be the first thing he would have done. I stayed upstairs in my room until SS went to bed; I didn't want to be around him.
I am curious to see what the next few days bring and whether it will be terribly uncomfortable or not. I am also curious if/how this will get back to BM and GF and what hellfire they will reign on us. I contacted my therapist to see if she has appointment available for next week so I can process and discuss this event. We have 2.5 weeks left with SS, so I'm hoping things start to improve.
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Comments
It’s rather
shocking that SS set up the whole situation with the polo shirt so that he would have something to make BM happy by denigrating you. I realize he's still a kid but come on. That took forethought, planning and even cunning to pull off.
I think your SS's story is one of the saddest here on ST. The demands that are placed on him are sadistic and the manipulation he has to endure is horrible. I don't see a way out for him. You and his dad are doing everything you can to give him some semblance of normalcy but it would take incredible strength on his part to break away from his mother's poison even when he becomes an adult.
I don't think the polo was
I don't think the polo was that calculated. We asked him if he wanted to get a new polo for the photos while we were out shopping and he said "No" because he had some at our house that would work. Once it came time to get ready for the photoshoot and saw the kiddie brand on the tag, that's when it went south. He just failed to mention any of those extra details to BM.
Honestly, for as book smart as SS is (2 advanced placement classes and nothing but straight As for years), I am baffled by the lack of common sense I have observed over the last few weeks. I swear DD3 has significantly more common sense than SS13.
The irony of all of that though, is during the photoshoot, he liked the way he looked enough to ask the photographer for extra solo photos of himself, so clearly it wasn't that big of a deal to him.
It’s good
to know it wasn't as calculated as I thought, but even without that the entire exchange with BM was pretty appalling, especially with bringing his little sister into it.
I realize this has been going on for ages but it can be very intoxicating when a parent elevates you into adult status by sharing confidences with you. My own mother did this by complaining to me about my father, starting when I was about 14. I was given all kinds of positive feedback for coming up with my own "observations." And my parents weren't even divorced. The thing was, my dad was a much better parent than my mother and eventually I came to see it for what it was and quit playing. My mother was not happy, to put it mildly. But your SS's situation is much more complex because of the physical distance between you and the control BM exerts over every aspect of his life.
I wonder if SS's chameleon-like behavior affects every aspect of his life - does he fake his feelings at your house, too? At school? With friends? Is he constantly trying to please whomever he's with? Can he ever just be himself, and does he actually know what he really feels?
It sounds like your DH is doing everything right in dealing with his son and the terrible situation that is his life, as are you. But it must be so hard.
Yes, DH and I were appalled
Yes, DH and I were appalled to see how low BM and GF stooped. We always knew they were petty and vindictive but even this surprised us.
BM has absolutely elevated SS to an "adult" status and SS has said that. At BM and GF's house, he is considered an equal party and is subjected to more mature conversations and decision making that isn't age appropriate. He does struggle with that at our house because we force him back into the kid role and he wants an equal seat at the table as the adults.
I think SS is a chameleon, trying to fit in with whoever he is with. BM is that way in her romantic relationships, mirroring her personality to whomever she is with. It wouldn't surprise me if SS picked up that habit.
This is soooo hurtful, but I
This is soooo hurtful, but I have logged on to say I have been here and handled it a lot more poorly.
I had such different experiences with my step daughter vs stepson and he hurt me in ways I didn't know really possible. I was the main parent across both houses - school, enrolments, uniforms, food, clothing, sports, everything... when our relationship turned bad due to PA with his mum I knew stuff was being said about me but there was one text exchange when he was about 15 I saw between them where he mocked me for asking where these expensive shoes were I had bought and she laughed and emojis and gifs were exchanged... he came downstairs in the moment I saw it, he asked me a question and I shouted FUUCCCKKK YOUUU. Honestly my worst parenting moment. We moved on from it but that was my first true moment fo starting disconnecting from him in a way that hurt me. He is now 20, a lot better but, the PA damage was done.
He does however reach out to me at the most odd time, with random videos of him or facts or things that "remind him of me", which in a way I know I do have some space in his head/impact on him, but good or bad I can no longer let it affect me.
You should be so proud for not just losing it when you read any of that stuff, especially about DD. I think you are an amazing mum and stepmum and wife. You are always thinking of the greater good whether that be SS, DH, your DD. I'm sorry this has occurred for you, just remember it really is a case of this isn't about you, it's them.
Lastly one thing I like to remind myself of when dealing with these step dynamics "a lion does not concern themselves with the option of sheep". You are the lion. Xx
Oh trust me - mentally, I was
Oh trust me - mentally, I was ready to lose my shit. I try not to lose it in front of SS because I know it's just one more thing he will take back to them to laugh at. I want SS, BM, and GF to think their opinions have no hold over me, because for the most part, they don't. Bringing DD into it is where I became upset, so I calmly called DH upstairs, we went to the garage and I whisper raged to him with several choices words and obscenities until I felt calm enough to go back inside. I then avoided SS for the rest of the night, which I'm sure made SS uncomfortable and kept him wondering why, since he got an earful from DH, but that okay. SS needs to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes.
I keep trying to remind myself that BM and GF only concern themselves with the smallest details of our household and it's activities due to jealousy, insecurity, etc. When communicating with SS, they called out the fact that we were doing yet another photoshoot when we just did one for the kids at Christmas. It was clearly bothering them for some reason, but that's not our problem and what we do isn't their concern.
There is no handbook for handling these tiny spies in our home that actively work against us and disrupt everything. We all just do our best. I just try to do my best, but honestly, sometimes I wish I could just have a full blown meltdown. Thank you for the kind words!
If possible, try to use the
If possible, try to use the tv or movies as indirect teaching moments. If there's a mean girl situation, don't miss the opportunity to make comments about the character being a bit old to play such childish games ... then add that sadly, not everyone has the emotional intelligence to grow out of it. Never mention his situation, just plant seeds... both positive and negative. The point is to develop his critical thinking skills, to open his mind a little without him feeling like a target.
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with all this crap. The two crones are probably ramping up their act because they can't handle him enjoying himself with you guys... especially since you have given things that they promised and never followed through on (real vacation trip, baby sibling etc.) Your word can be taken to the bank - the same can't be said for them.
I love this idea! There also
I love this idea! There also must be books around this topic.
"There is no handbook for
"There is no handbook for handling these tiny spies in our home that actively work against us and disrupt everything."
I couldn't do it. Seriously. I'm so sorry you are going through this and also trying to raise your own family in the midst of it. You did the right thing. I guess the one good thing is the distance and the small amount of time he is actually in your home. BM is so toxic. He's been trained from birth to be her little minion. He gets rewarded for playing along in the "us vs them" game and probably pays in passive aggressive ways if he doesn't. But it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it any easier on you. Your DH at least seems to see reality and have your back. So, 2 positive things (that and the distance.) I'm so sorry you are linked to this putrid personality disordered BM.
I think. What ever that’s worth
SS is trying to keep everyone happy. As telling BM group thinks they want to hear. '''Life at BMG is so much better''''. Then telling you. ''' life is so great at BFG'''
What do you expect? BMG. Has SS the majority of time '''his life''. BMG don't give him a second to himself... They put him in every activity known to mankind. Track him every second. [ sure there tracing program on his phone '' warch'']
If he doesn't tell BMG he's having a good time. It will be reprogrammed when he gets home. He's 13 he understands how his life works.
This is so hurtful! I also
This is so hurtful! I also feel bad for SS, as he is obviously under a great amount of pressure from BM & GF to act like an ahole and criticize you all to make them happy and maintain their acceptance. I have seen adults buckle to a toxic BM's wishes in this manner.
I'd be tempted to do a little reverse psychology, if that's what you can call it: "SS, I just realized that shirt you had on has a kids' label. I'm going to ask the photographer to Photoshop out the logo. You're not a little kid, so we don't want you to be represented like one." <big middle finger to BM & GF who you know are dying to see the photos>
I do worry that there might be little hope here. It's why I say our situation has been like dealing with a cult--it is cult-like behavior. Still, I think you and your DH have handled this expertly. It had to be so difficult NOT to mention the texts.
People can be so damn mean because of their stupid insecurities and bs!
Just to echo the sentiment
Just to echo the sentiment here.
SS gets praised for doing what he did with BM and GF.. he is 'hostage" to them since he spends so much time with them. I doubt his feelings are quite as negative as the conversation reflected.. he is just trying to curry favor.. and potentially avoid fallout for appearing to enjoy anything at your home.
"Hostage" is the perfect word
"Hostage" is the perfect word.
Been there, done that - SD15
Been there, done that - SD15 was EXACTLY the same about the cell phone. Just like SS, SD would pretend everything is kosher & not say anything to DH or I. Other than being standoff-ish, we never assumed the worst about SD. I also went out of the way to make sure SD was included in our family beach trip (back in 2022), coordinated dates & fully paid for. I went through her phone and the text messages she was sending her BM were APPALLING. This wasn't just a one-time thing, She was bad mouthing us for MONTHS.
- Called me a "horrible mom" whenever our newborn cried.
- Called newborn a "dumbass" when she got annoyed with his crying.
- Called me a "sarcastic bitch" and "hates me"
- Made up lies about DH saying he doesn't include her "does nothing" for her, hates DH, hates our house etc.
I NEVER looked at SD15 the same after that. IMO, it's not something you can really apologize about. SD gaves some excuse of when she gets mad she just says hurtful things. So defended herself and said she was just mad ALL those times. Yes, SD was a pre-teen/teen at this time, but I just simply DON'T forgive her for it. I'm 100% sure she has continued the bad mouthing over the years, we just stopped looking through her phone for it.
The only advice I can give is believe SS when he shows you his true colors. It will save you the heartache in the long run. Focus on your little ones and be thankful he is not there atleast 50/50. Sorry you are going through this too. The rest of his trip/relationship with you will be AWKWARD.
Over the last few months,
Over the last few months, maybe even the last year, it has been much easier to detach with each visit because his behavior makes it easier to let him go. Stuff like this, while it hurts in the moment, continues to solidify for me that I will be completely fine if he walks out of our life.
Yes, let this serve as the
Yes, let this serve as the reassurance that you are doing the right thing when it comes to disengaging!
I have this gut feeling that,
I have this gut feeling that, when SS goes to college and gets a taste of freedom, BM's world is going to crash around her ears...
I have this
gut feeling that SS is going to have a mental breakdown before then. The amount of pressure that kid is under is absolutely appalling.
SS is only 13 and I'm already
SS is only 13 and I'm already seeing indicators of significant anxiety and signs of impending mental breakdown. I see a full blown mental breakdown in the next one to two years. He has already been to therapy for anxiety and racing thoughts, so I don't think it will be long, unfortunately.
I do agree that when he goes to college, BM and GF are going to lose their minds. They won't be able to control SS at all. DH truly thinks there is a strong chance that BM and GF will get divorced after SS moves on because they have built their entire relationship around SS and losing him to adulthood and college will destroy the foundation of their relationship. They have nothing else in common without SS. Plus who are they going to control and boss around all day if he's not there?
I went to school with a girl
I went to school with a girl with a toxic BM. She didn't have a breakdown but left the state for college, became a psychologist, built her own life, and never looked back. There's always been about 1000 miles between her and her mom.
And BM
will fire any therapist who doesn't say what she wants them to say - that dad and SM are the cause of all his problems and his "cure" demands an immediate cessation of visitation and contact. I'm wondering if the end of his therapy wasn't caused by that this go round.
UPDATE: I don't think the
UPDATE: I don't think the conversation with SS did much. He came downstairs this morning and laughed and joked like nothing happened. DH and I let him sit bored today while we worked, to which he sat on the couch and watched TV all day.
This afternoon, he had the gall to ask DH if he would take him to Target to buy a new video game. DH said absolutely not. DH said that for (1) SS is completely grounded from all video games at BM's house until Fall, which we are mostly supporting at our house outside of an hour per day, and (2) after all the crap DH and SS just discussed last night, he is not being rewarded. When DH told SS "No," SS responded, "I have the money to pay for it." That is so not the point SS and I'm so glad to know nothing was learned. He is still coming off as his arrogant, entitled, no regard for anyone else self. There was no sign of gratitude, no sign of remorse, no love or respect today, just a "me me me" attitude. Thankfully, he still hasn't texted BM, GF, or anyone from their clan about DH's conversation, but I'm not holding my breath that it will remain quiet for long.
Once again
BM. grounds SS from video games all summer [ your time ]. And you go along with it . You are playing BM games. BM. Should ground SS untill thanksgiving in her home but not ground him in your home
I'm really sorry SS hurt you
I'm really sorry SS hurt you like that. It's SICK these women brought DD into their manipulation of SS. IMHO I don't think SS feels any of the way he portrayed in those texts. From what you describe I think he truly loves DD and soon to be baby castle.
This poor kid is in a terrible situation. I think he has hope though. The fact that he is 13 and is still enjoying time with you despite the endless efforts of PAS on BM & GF is very impressive. I know it's HARD to see it because of all the negativity BM & GF bring down on you guys.