I have heard about this from several of you but
I never have had it happen in our house until this weekend. And it makes me sad and angry. Both the boys tried to blackmail their father into spending money on them. The oldest even tried to talk crap about DH behind his back to me. Here's what happened.
I was eating lunch with Severus, Harry and DD2 and we started talking about this summer. Severus said that the summer was boring because DH didn't spend any time with them. I said he took 2 weeks off work to spend exclusively with the boys (one week was work from home and one week he took them to his mom's so they could spend time with their cousins). Severus said it didn't count because DH "spent all his time sitting on his butt watching TV". :jawdrop: This man maybe watches an hour of TV a day. He works out 2 hours a day and works outside improving our property in the evenings and the weekends. This is a hard working guy. I explained this to Severus and asked what he was doing while DH was out in the garden or mowing the back 40 or putting up a fence around the back yard. Severus: Playing the Xbox. Me: So who was sitting on their a$$? I told him those types of comments would not be accepted.
Later that afternoon we were going to take all the kids to an amusement park. They all had earned tickets. DH was looking up the parking policy and found out that by coincidence the park was closed for a private party. There was nothing we could do. We told the boys we would go the next time they came. So, of course, they were disappointed. About an hour later:
Harry: I'm bored.
DH: Let's go outside and throw the football around.
Harry: No, I don't want to do that.
DH: Let's go run the tractor around.
Harry: No, not that either.
DH: So when you say your bored, it just means you don't want to do anything unless I'm spending money on you, right?
Harry: Says Nothing (sheepish smile)
The boys asked to watch one of those teeny bopper disney movies so we put it on. About half way through:
Severus: What time do we go home?
DH: 4 like usual.
Severus: What time is it?
DH: 3:15 or so why?
Severus: I'm bored. I want to go home.
Me: So what do you do when you are bored at your mom's? Ask to come to your Dad's?
Severus: No. I ask to go play with friends.
Me: Well, why don't you go make some friends here? You will have to go outside though.
Severus: Says nothing (Pouty look)
I was really upset. What it came down to is that if we didn't take them somewhere or buy them something then they didn't want to be with their father. I am so disappointed in them and so sad for my DH. He has done everything for them and they don't care. It comes down to what he will spend on them now. My heart is sick.
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Children feel entitled.
Children feel entitled to whatever they want, especially children of divorces/seperations. I have noticed my SD8 whining alot about us not ever taking her to do anything. Yet, FH spent over 1000 bucks on her birthday less than 3 months ago. I get so aggravated with SD when she whines, but it's even worse when she calls BM and complains to her that we never do anything. SD will tell BM" they always say we are gonna do something then we never do" I am sorry, but my FH pays over $400 a month in support, more than our mortgage every month. We may not take her somewhere every weekend but we cant AFFORD to.
The only advice I can offer you is don't let your DH play into their games. My FH plays into SD's games, and it makes me sick. The phrase "give em an inch, they take a mile" applies here. SD gets dinner at a nice restaurant nearly every time she comes, but I can't tell you the last time FH just took me, or took just me and my DD. We have to wait until SD comes. My DD cannot open a toy that was bought for both, she has to wait for SD. SD is sooo rediculously spoiled now, she EXPECTS something new every time that she comes. When FH gave her an inflatable water slide that cost him $700 for her birthday her response was(while looking at a book of all the water slides toys r us had) "I wish you got me this one instead" I think I threw up in my mouth when she said that.
Be careful what you give, you might create a monster!!!
IT CAN be changed
Entitled children CAN learn. But the key is a total change of heart in the overindulging parent. He/she has to give up his/her guilt-parenting ways and see that it is only setting up a life of failure and disappointment for the child(ren).
And it IS possible for those Disneyland parents to change. I am married to a recovering guilt-parenting dad myself and NEVER thought I would see the day when he would change his ways of over-spoiling his THREE Princesses!
When I first came into the picture, I could not BELIEVE the nonsense I was seeing. He would take them to the mall for WEEKLY shopping trips, spending well over $700 A POP on designer clothes (and they went to Catholic school and wore school UNIFORMS 5-days-a-week!), "Build-A-Bear" trips, etc.
They all had cell phones by the time they were 8, 11, and 13 when I started dating him. I could NOT belive it. They had at least 10 American Girl dolls, and bins-upon-bins FILLED with AG clothes just strewn everywhere.
There were yearly trips to Walt Disney World- only staying at the nicest resorts. And there were shopping trips THERE, too!
And don't even get me started on Christmas or Birthdays. EVERYTHING was over-the-top. And it was never appreciated by the girls.
And they didn't take care of anything they had. And they ALWAYS WANTED MORE.
Finally, after working on him (and getting professional help from a "Parenting Coach") he is a changed man! He realizes that he was doing a major disservice to his children, and finally learned to say the word he was once so afraid of...the dreaded "NO" word.
We now have a modest budget in place for Christmas and birthdays. And no "pouty" faces allowed...or everything can easily be returned if they're not happy with what they got!
He can finally put boundaries into effect. He makes rules and stands by the consequences when the rules are broken. He is no longer a 24/7 ATM machine to them.
Oh, there was a little "kickback" from them in the beginning, but guess what? They still love him. They still come over according to the custody schedule. They don't give him ANY LIP when he talks now (and there used to be A LOT of arguing before he put his foot down!) They truly respect him now.
And I, as his wife and partner, respect him a lot more now!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
That's fantastic, 5teens!
When did this happen? I think one of the last things I remember reading from you was about the last Disney trip with the princesses and how they weren't satisfied because it wasn't somewhere else.
Congratulations!!!
Good memory, stepmasochist!
You are correct. Against my better judgement, DH & I took the entire clan (all 7) to WDW last December (between Xmas and New Year). Once again, we stayed at a luxury resort in the park and DH went all out (mostly for him and I), but because of taking 7 people, you can only imagine how expense the trip could be!
Well, while we had a very nice Xmas, and then had this trip ON TOP OF IT, while getting on the plane to go home, middle SD17 (the most troulbed of all) had the nerve to make a comment about, "how LUCKY her friend was because SHE was in NYC for the week and HER PARENTS always give her EVERYTHING she wants!"
I, along with most of the shocked and appalled people who just heard this spoiled child, wanted to kick her a$$ onto the jetway!
DH was crestfallen, but realized that this comment was a result of all the years of guilt-parenting he had committed. And it strengthed his resolve even further to do a better job at parenting his children with a firmer hand.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Casper...
What would your husband do to you, if at that moment during those 2 conversations you piped up...
To Harry..."Wow... that's sad that you would not want to spend actual time with your dad, and instead sit here and complain about how 'bored' you are..."
and to Severus... "Geez... maybe instead of trying to get home, you could enjoy some time with your father. Do you think that you're a joy to be around just because you are sitting here? "
I have real hard time keeping my mouth shut... and have butted in on several conversations like this when SD was younger.
DH was shocked, SD was embarrassed. And I was pretty much not able to contain myself. I've never been one to be told what I can and can't say. I can't live like that.
But I was wondering if you butted in what your husband would say to you, because it sounds like he is frustrated as well. And, if you could... what would you say?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Just to set things strait
DH did not "cave" to the boys on taking them somewhere or buying them anything "just because". We were going to the amusement park as an end of summer fun thing for the whole family and all 3 kids had earned tickets from the summer reading program. Both of us were floored by this behavior because it is the first time it has come up. I would like to have a technique in mind for if this type of thing happens again because to me it is unacceptable. I will not allow these kids to blackmail their father. On the plus side, I don't think BM will allow it either. I don't think they will get very far. It is just hurtful to know that they would try.
I understand Casper...
That's why I was asking. I didn't think that DH caved based on your response. Now, knowing that BM and DH won't allow their behavior... I guess my advice would be to let them know how they look when they say things like that.
I think they need to be told what their behavior makes them look like. Like a verbal spanking, if you will. Does that make sense?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Sure does.
Embarrasment can be a useful tool. I will practice some good hits for the next weekend we have them. At least, this time I won't be caught off guard.
"I was really upset. What it
"I was really upset. What it came down to is that if we didn't take them somewhere or buy them something then they didn't want to be with their father. I am so disappointed in them and so sad for my DH. He has done everything for them and they don't care. It comes down to what he will spend on them now. My heart is sick."
While you say that your DH "didn't cave" just to give them something for nothing (which is encouraging) and that his ex is probably on board in not fostering this behavior, I'm still curious to find out WHY this is happening. Because these are usually the MAIN TWO causes of this type of behavior.
I do agree with Stick, though. At age 10 and 12, the boys are old enough to have their bad attitudes "called to the carpet" each and every time they do it. They may not even realize that this type of behavior is hurtful to their dad.
And maybe it needs to be your DH who needs to be the one who confronts them directly- it may carry more weight with them than you saying something to them (a mistake I have made in the past with my own 3 SDs).
Something like, "Boys, it really hurts my feelings when you say things like, 'I want to go back to mom's house early.' It makes me feel like I'm not important to you and that you only want to be here if I take you somewhere or buy you something. And that makes me feel very sad."
They may be saying these things purely out of habit or just being, for lack of a better term, "stupid kids", who just don't realize that their PARENTS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
I think that is it exactly 5Teens
They don't realize their parents have feelings. I don't really know where it is coming from right now. Other than their age and they really were disappointed about not being able to go to the amusement park. I guess getting hyped up and let down messed with them. And I get that. I can't speak for DH, but I for one will not let another one of these types of remarks pass. And I will encourage him to stand up for himself too.
And you have to nip that kind of stuff in the bud
especially for kids who have a lot of "power" in their households (and that seems to be a LOT of kids these days, doesn't it?)
Because it becomes a habit with these kids today. They feel they can get away with saying some pretty mean and nasty things to their parents (because they can). And then it's like they are the "adults" talking to their "parent children".
It's completely bass-ackwards! And disturbing when you hear it.
When I came into the picture, I could not BELIEVE the way middle SD spoke to her father. She was then 11. She would take a "tone" with him like she was his WIFE...
and he would allow it! Oh, you can believe that once I knew I would be a permanent fixture in his life, that attitude stopped real quick! And the funny thing is that she has NEVER spoken to ME with that attitude. Not ONCE.
And you know why? Because I've always commanded respect with the kids. I'm a teacher and know how to talk to kids. And no CHILD is going to take an ATTITUDE with me. And even though DH had a hard time addressing it, I had no problem calling her bad attitude to the carpet by saying,
"Excuse me, SD. That is MY DH you are speaking to. Apologize to him for taking that tone with him and try repeating your sentence again. And THIS TIME, lose the attitude. Thank you."
And EVERY TIME, I'd do it when I'd hear it. Oh, she pretty much can't stand me. But she does it. And DH has finally caught on to doing the same when SD takes the attitude, where as before he would have just let her get away with it!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"