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SD Grad Dinner

capp1978's picture

We went to dinner with immediate family for SD's graduation as we are not having a party b/c I refused to plan one.  Earlier in the week DH's mom gave us a check and told us to pay for dinner with that money and whatever was left over to give it to SD.  After dinner as the check comes for dinner, DH's mom slips DH her credit card.  He said what is this?  You already gave me money for dinner.  She said no I didn't (winking).  So DH goes around the table and says "you gave me $500 and told me to pay for the dinner and what was left over SD gets it"  She replied that is your money to do what you see fit but don't tell your stepdad.  DH's mom is literally hiding how much money she is giving to SD from her husband!  DH's mother is the biggest enabler of SD, she thinks SD walks on water and does no wrong.  Her husband sees through it and sees what a trainwreck she is.  He doesn't agree with what DH's mother does.  Today I told DH I think we should give his mom the money back and he said "no that's for SD, mom wants us to give it to SD when she needs it."  DH's mom already spent over $1,000 on prom for SD, now she paid for graduation dinner, gave her $100 cash last night and now wants to give her another $500 but to hide it from her husband?

From my previous blog DH wanted us to give SD $500 cash gift for her graduation.  Instead he bought her a $160 concert ticket and paid a couple hundred dollars toward necessary repairs to her vehicle.  Now he plans to give her an additional $500 when the time is right?  What did she do to deserve this?  Treat her family horribly?  Tell us that she couldn't live one more day under our roof and moved out on her 18th bday? Failed 12th grade?  In DH's mom's words "graduated by the skin of her teeth".  Been fired from 8 jobs in 2 years?  

Maybe I'm so bitter toward SD that I can't see giving her this much.  Maybe I'm bitter that DH's mom doesn't treat BD (DH & I's daughter together the same).  Yes she is young and doesn't understand but for Easter SD got $100 and BD got an egg with $1.  Every two weeks DH's mom takes SD for a mani & pedi.  DH's mom is good to BD but definitely treats SD much better.


futurobrillante99's picture

Tell your DH that he needs to keep that money in escrow because things WILL happen and she'll need money. And if gives her that money now, he won't be taking money from your household budget to fix her problems or else you'll be taking the same amount and putting it in a savings account for yourself.

capp1978's picture

I actually already setup an account in his name only for the $500 and told him here is the money it's yours to do as you please.

twoviewpoints's picture

I take it StepGrandpa wasn't invited to the graduation dinner (that he helped pay for twice)?  Otherwise, I don't see how the $500 is still a 'secret' kept from your Dh's Stepdad. 

FWIW, I have no idea how much cash Grandma put in DD18 graduation card a couple weeks ago. I didn't ask.  I know DD went down to the bank and deposited her all graduation money in DD's savings account. But my mother is single (one deceased Dh, my father,, and one deceased SO of 20yrs) so her money is her money. 

Whatever your DH finally hands out to his kid from Grandma, SD needs to write a thank-you note to both Grandma and StepGrandpa... for any cash and the dinner. 

capp1978's picture

StepGrandpa was there, he knew she paid for dinner but doesn't know about the extra $500 check that DH's mom gave us a few days prior to dinner.  

ESMOD's picture

While it's frustrating to see someone rewarded for doing poorly, unfortunately, you really can't control this woman or the way she wants to spend her money.  Your DH has a bit of a moral dilema since she is trying to make him hide things from her husband... but if she does have money in her own right that she can spend.. perhaps her DH doesn't need to know of every dollar she spends?  Yes it's galling to see SD get the princess treatment but I am guessing grandma thinks the poor child is the odd one out and is trying in some way to even things up in her own mind.

I think it would be a good idea to help SD save for a rainy day...especially if you foresee your DH bailing her out in the future... so him holding on to it until she has a good need for it is a good compromise.